Bittersweet Endings, Bittersweet Beginnings Part 2
I just got back from Omaha. Yes, just got back. That means I missed chorale. I went to my first therapy session, and it ran a little late, and then my mom had to orchestrate rides for everyone before she could bring me back to Dana. On top of that, my brother Joel was a little monster and made everything difficult, especially when he acted like I was trying to kill him in front of his friend. That pissed me off to the point that I actually wanted to kill him . . . But, anyway, my psychologist, Sharon, seems pretty cool. I only talked with her a little bit today because my mom was there, and we had to go over paperwork and stuff. But, it looks like I am diagnosed with major depression and possibly some other really cool sounding mental disorder, but I don't remember it because it's a really long word. But it sounds cool. Yay for cool diseases.
Let's see, where did I leave off . . . . god that post was long . . . oh yeah, Scott and Nick. Well, back to the story, Scott and I were in his room and after his phone conversation he said he was going to say some things that I probably wouldn't want to hear, but he's been going through crap lately and he wants to talk about it. So, I said that he could talk to me. After all, what kind of friend would I be if I refused to listen to his problems. So, he proceeded to tell me that he'd been cheating on Diana for the past month with some girl from Omaha. And they'd been having sex, and a lot of it.
Surprisingly, that didn't crush me as much as I thought it would have. I mean, it hurt a little bit, yeah. But it didn't affect me as much as I expected. I suppose my new found feelings for Nick helped me in that department. Well, Scott said that he has been frustrated with Diana not wanting to spend time with him, and when some attractive girl did want to spend time with him, he didn't stop it. But now the girl doesn't want to talk to him and he and Diana are having problems. Now, I disapprove of this situation for a variety of reasons. First of all, Scott and I have once had a very in depth debate on the meaning of love. He doubted my love for him, claiming that it was merely infatuation. And I doubted his love for Diana because he doesn't talk to her and generally acts indifferent about her. This little situation only strengthens my view that he does not really "love" Diana and Diana does not really "love him. I mean, she has dumped him three times already. If you love someone, you don't give up on them. You try and work things out instead of calling it quits. Also, if you love someone, you can't cheat on them. yes, Diana hasn't been paying much attention to Scott, and I know it can be difficult to reject advances, but to start a purely physical relationship where you fuck her every other day for a month? Come one. That just doesn't happen if you are truly in love with someone. And apperantly Scott has done this several times over the course of his relationships with Diana. It just doesn't add up. The whole situation is a big mess and niether one of them seem to know what is going on with themselves, let alone eachother.
Then, of course, I ask myself: Who the hell am I to be making judgements about them? What business of it is mine? Am I so perfect that I can look down on them? Haven't I had sex with people while having feelings for Scott? What makes me so much better? And so I thought about those things. To be fair, I don't know exactly what's going on. I just know what I see. And my situation is different from Scott's. Scott is actually in a relationship with Diana. I am not in a relationship with Scott. If I actually was, the situation would be different, and I know for a fact that I would not even contemplate having sex with anyone else. Because I am not in a relationship with Scott, I have spent the past two years trying to force myself to be with other people in the hopes that I will lose interest in Scott. And it has been hell. Everytime I feel horrible about it. But I keep trying because I don't know what else to do. Scott says he loves Diana. She is his girlfriend. He has her. He doesn't have to worry about making her love him, because he is already dating her. And despite all this, he has relationships with other people. I just don't understand that. I know that is something I could never do.
Where am I going with this? I'm not sure anymore. I'm just rambling on and on about how frustrated I am with Scott, and how frustrated I am with myself because I'm frustrated with Scott. If I truly am falling out of love with him, isn't that a bad thing? That I can force myself to stop loving? That such strong feelings can be changed? If love can be changed, where is the beauty and purpose in it? If I can fall out of love with Scott, will I ever be able to stay in love with someone for the rest of my life, till death do us part? Am I weak? Will I spend the rest of my life tumbling in and out of relationships and never truly be happy? Or rather, is this what is meant to be? Did God plan this? Am I falling out of love with Scott because Nick truly is the man I'm supposed to be with? Is Nick really that special of a person? But . . . do I really know Nick? Should I be putting all this emotional faith in him when I've only seen him on three occasions? Am I not setting myself up for an even bigger dissappointment?
I ask too many damn questions.
Too many damn questions that I can't answer.
Which brings me to my current state. On one hand, my "Scott Saga" seems to be coming to a close. I suppose it's both good and bad. Bittersweet. And my "Nick Saga" seems to be just beginning. That also is both good and bad. A Bittersweet Beginning. Life is funny like that. I hope everything turns out alright.
Eric 4/22/2003 06:46:00 PM
