Let me tell you right now that this is going to be a long post. Very long. Insanely long. You see, I have just had one of the most emotional/eventful weekends of my life, and my evil iMac at home kicked me off the internet every time I tried to post . . . thus the previous message had to be e-mailed to me just so I could post it and not have to write it again. As most stories should, I will just start at the beginning, or rather, where my posts have left off . . .
Nick told me to call him before he went to work, which was at 11:00. Being the typical me, I overslept and was woken up by Steve's phone call. At first I felt bad, but I figured I'd make it up to Nick by going to visit him. Steve didn't mind, so we went to Nick's McDonalds. I saw him as soon as we walked in, but his back was turned, so he didn't see me right away(God, I know the kid by his back, and I've known him less than a week). Anyway, when he turned around, his face lit up. Literally lit up. I've never had anyone smile at me like that before. Never. It filled me up. I felt like his smile surrounded me and wrapped me up in . . . I don't know, happiness or something. I went to the register and had already eaten lunch so I just ordered a McFlurry, and Nick had his manager come over and give it to me for free. That was sweet. After Nick made me my ice cream, we got a brief chance to talk. I apologized for sleeping late. He wondered why I didn't call, but said that my coming in person was more fun anyway. Then I remembered that Steve was there too, so I introduced them. Then Nick had to go back to work and Steve and I sat down to eat. For the next half hour Steve and I talked, and as Nick walked around doing various McDonalds chores, he'd always smile that smile at me when our eyes would meet. I wanted to melt right there in the booth.
When Steve and I got up to leave, I went to say bye to Nick, but he said he'd be off in 20 minutes, so we should stick around until then. So, of course, we did. When he was finally off, he came over and said that some person he knows would be able to get him some alcohol for this evening, and that I should call him later so we could meet up at the Run or something. So, we gave him Steve's cell number, and then we said good-bye and he reached over and grabbed my waist and brought his lips next to my ear and whispered oh so sweetly that he would see me later. Feeling the greatest high of my life, Steve and I walked outside and got in his car. Ironically, the weather was cold and gray. Very cloudy, so we assumed that my sub-concious weather control had passed. Unfortunately, this wasn't exactly the case.
So, Steve and I got gas, and wandered around Omaha. We went to Super Target and picked up Spirited Away, a visor for Steve, and the Evanescence cd. That is a very, very kick ass cd, by the way. I'm listening to it right now. Go buy it as soon as you can! So, I spent $40 at Super Target. Then we went to Warehouse Music because they are closing and everything there is 60-80% off. So, I spent another $30 buying cd's and a DVD there. Then we went to Borders where the new XY magazine was out, and I finally got my hands on a Toreador clanbook. So, there went another $30. I had to severely restrain myself from spending another $15 on a Magic of Faerun book. That was sooo hard. But, anyway, after my little shopping spree, I am once again $150 short of paying for my Germany trip. I'll get the money. I'm sure I will. From my brother most likely, but there's always the chance that my parents'll pick it up. Afterall, they said they'd help me pay for the trip and I've paid for all of the rest of it . . . but they're parents, they change thier minds when it's convenient. Who knows, the money'll come from somewhere.
After spending faaaar more time in Borders than either of us expected we and Jason(he met us at Borders) went to Taco Bell for food. Then Steve and I proceeded to gross Jason out in any way we could think of. It was surprisingly difficult, but we succeeded. Yay for jizz! By this time it was nearly midnight, so Jason left for home and Steve took me back to my house. Well, I got home and got out all my old issues of XY for Steve, and I called Nick. I asked him how he was getting to the Run b/c I wasn't sure how I was going to get a ride there, and I was going to see if Steve could just drop me off whereever Nick was. And Nick said that he was at a friend's house and he was no longer sure he was going to the Run.
So, I asked him if he could call me and let me know for sure when he decided so I didn't show up to the club by myself. He said he'd be right back, and after a short pause, he said that he was getting tired and that he was going to just crash instead of going clubbing. He said he was sorry, but he was just tired. I told him that it was ok and that I'd talk to him later, and I hung up.
At the moment, I was absolutely crushed that I wasn't going to get to see him. Steve noticed, and he didn't want to leave me. I didn't want Steve to leave either, but his mother had other ideas. So, Steve had to go, and I was left in a . . . I don't know what to call it. I was immensly dissappointed. I didn't blame Nick. I can understand being tired, and he was sorry. I was just really really looking forward to seeing him one more time and getting to know him a little better, and that didn't happen. The rest of the evening was a blur. I vaguely remember playing Final Fantasy, but I must've died or not gotten very far. The next day was pretty much a blur too. I literally stayed in bed until 7:00 in the evening. I wasn't sleeping. I just couldn't make myself get out of bed. I didn't want to be conscious. I just wanted to be asleep and turn my brian off so I didn't have to think. It worked fairly well b/c I only vaguely remember turning down Steve's invitation to a movie. I suppose I should've gone, but once again, I just didn't want to be awake. Anyway, around 7:00, my mom drug me out of bed and forced me to eat dinner. Then she took me back to school to get my anti-depression medication. I had forgotten it at school and hadn't taken it in 2 days. And for those of you on happy pills, you know that even missing pills for two days can have an effect on your chemistry to the extent that you relapse, which is exactly why I couldn't make myself get out of bed Saturday. Well, at least I know my pills are working, b/c I can't function when they're not.
Thus came Easter. My easter initially consisted of my siblings draggin me out of bed at 9:00 so I could "find" my easter basket. You see, they weren't allowed to start the easter egg hunt until I had gotten my basket. So, I climbed upstairs, grabbed my "hidden"(sitting in plain sight in the living room) Easter Cup(No basket for me, I've graduated to the East Cup!) and went back to bed. I woke up around 1:00 and played some more FF when Alan called me saying we were meeting at Steve's. Then I waited for another hour or so until Steve came to get me. Then we watched Trigun, which was pretty cool. Unfortunately, that was all we got to do before Steve's parents kicked us out. I didn't particularly feel like going home, and Steve didn't particularly feel like staying home, so we went cruising for a place to sit and eat and talk or whatever. DQ failed us, so we ended up at my BK in the hopes that I could get free food. Unfortunately, I couldn't. The managers are getting stingier and stingier every day, I swear. So, we ate and talked and BK closed, and Steve still didn't feel like going home, so we watched Speedway Junky at my house. The movie was pretty good. It had some gay themes and had quite a few parallels to my own life in it. The relationship between the two main characters (1 gay, 1 straight) really struck home. The movie ended pretty sadly, but the main character fullfilled his dream, so it was good in a way. Life is like that a lot. Things are bad, but they end up being just good enough to keep you going. The whole "silver-lining on every cloud" is very, very true. After the movie was over, and Steve was an hour and a half late going home, I got on AIM and talked to Jason for a little while. Jason is quite an interesting guy. He's one of those people that I don't completely understand, and it fascinates me. It also doesn't hurt that he greatly resembles John, my random "fun" buddy. It's actually quite eerie sometimes how much they look alike. Jason is just shorter and skinnier. Well, I'm assuming he's skinnier. I've never seen Jason with his shirt off . . .
And then comes today. I woke up late, yet again, by Steve's phone call. Then I promptly fell back asleep and woke up moments before Steve arrived at my house. So, I took a 2 minutes shower, threw on my clothes and jumped out the door so I didn't keep him and his sister waiting too long. We went downtown and looked at some used cars for sale. The whole downtown and cars thing got me thinking about when my friend Emily's car was stolen, and how it would be really funny if one of these cars ended up being hers. But we went and looked at a couple, and honestly, I wouldn't mind haveing either of them. I need a car, very badly. But, I would prefer the mustang . . .
Anyway, afterwards we ate at Sonic and went back to Steve's house and I was able to post my long waiting post from last Thursday, and I even got to do some of my solo adventure with Alan over AIM. Then Steve had to take me home b/c of his parents, so I went home, finished my laundary, and got to Dana just in time to go to rehearsal. I tried on some costume pieces, and they all fit great, making my director very excited. Then I got a chance to talk to Scott. I showed him my shoulders and he thought I got in a fight at first. Then I told him that I got them from Nick, and he was ready to go beat Nick's ass. But I told him I'd tell him the whole story later. Then he tells me that over the course of the weekend his car got stolen, which makes my little thought about Emily's car earlier in the day quite ironic. And he broke up with Diana . . .
He didn't have time to give me the entire story, so after practice I went over to his room. As soon as I get there, Diana calls him and he proceeds to talk to her for the next 45 minutes. Now, it probably wasn't my place to listen, but Scott didn't ask me to leave, and frankly, the subject matter is of some importance to me, so, I listened. Scott is really frustrated because Diana doesn't act like she cares about him. She treats him like he's a burden, and he's sick of feeling like that. After the talk, they patched things up somewhat, but Scott's still unhappy and doesn't want to be in a relationship with her. But he's a stupid boy, so he's still in it. The whole situation is very confusing and I'm not explaining it very well. Then again, this is their relationship, and it isn't exactly fair to be publishing it on the web . . . So I guess I won't recite the entire conversation. I'll just explain what is relevent to me, and my thoughts on the whole thing.
Scott and Diana have been dating on and off for the past 3 years. They'll date for a little while, then she'll dump him. They'll date some more, then she'll dump him. Now, I know Scott's not a perfect person, so I'm sure she had her reasons for breaking up with him. I just don't understand why she keeps taking him back only to get frustrated with his faults all over again and dump him. It's cruel, really. She is leading him on and putting him through a lot of shit. I've seen him plead with her on the phone to spend time with him. He deserves more than that. He desereves someone who undestands him and accepts him and wants to be with him. He's a really special person and he deserves to be treated better.
It's really difficult talking about this, because I'm so confused about the whole thing now. On one hand, I have Scott. He is a very, very good friend. And I am very deeply in love with him. For all of him. For his faults as well as his good points. I connect with him on a different level than anyone else. But he is not gay. Somewhere deep inside of me, I believe that someday, maybe, I will actually have a chance to be with him, but I know that day is not anytime soon. It's difficult, but I know that I have to move on.
On the other hand, I have Nick. I have known him for little more than a week. I have spent less than a total of ten hours around him, but I feel something strange with him. This sense of "rightness". Like it just fits. I feel that there is something very, very special about Nick. This is so hard to explain . . . Nick has . . . thrown me off, I guess. I'm no longer completely certain of how I feel. Because I am still very much in love with Scott, but at the same time, I feel this attraction and connection with Nick that is something different, yet so similar at the same time. I am a firm believer that if you truly love someone that you can't cheat on them because you can't love anyone as much. And for the past year and a half, I haven't been able to get Scott out of my head. I couldn't look at other guys without feeling guilty that I was somehow being unfaithful. I didn't want to be with anyone else even if I couldn't have Scott. And, suddenly, there is Nick. And I can think about Nick and not feel guilty. I want to be with Nick. I want to get to know him. I feel comfortable around Nick in a way that I haven't ever felt comfortable with anyone before . . . except for Scott . . .
I was sitting there listening to Scott talk about Diana and every time I thought about how I could make him so much happier than her, Nick floats into my head and I think that I want to make Nick happy that same way. I don't really know what to think. I'm having feelings for someone besides Scott. It's kind of scary. I don't know if I'm in love with Nick. I mean, I haven't really gotten to know him well enough to know much for certain. All I know is that he is the first person to make me feel . . . loved . . . I guess. He showed me how much I am worth, and made me feel so alive. I really don't know what's going on. Is it because I am consciously trying to get rid of my feelings for Scott? Is it because I'm trying to attatch myself to someone else? Or is it happening the way that it's supposed to? Am I just falling out of love with Scott? I don't know.
It's after 5:30 in the morning. I'm too tired to think. I'll finish tomorrow.
Eric 4/22/2003 05:36:00 AM
