Steve and Jason and I all had a talk today. We got things resolved, and I think that we're more understanding of eachother than we ever were before as a result. Communication is a beuatiful thing. And Blogger played an important role in the whole resolving issue. Yay for blogger. Jason and I have decided that blogging helps us analyze our thoughts. Steve claims to be able to anyalyze himself without blogger, but Jason and I find it difficult. Because, at least in my case, I'm a very confused person. I tend to over-react to things and have stronger emotions than are warranted in lots of situations. And there are also many times where I'm so emotionally charged that I can't sort my feelings out into anything coherentd. I get confused about myself a lot, and when I type out my thoughts, it helps me to try and organize them. And just by getting them out so I can read them helps me look at everything more objectively. When it's all in my head, it's too personal. There are too many emotions intertwined with it. But as I put it into words on a page, I can get past those emotions and look at the situation more clearly. So that's mainly what I'm using this page for; to sort out my emotions. To make more sense of myself and to try to grow as a person by identifying my weak points and improving them, and by getting to know my good points so I have something to keep me going when times get hard. And if anyone reading this has any insight on what's going on in my head, or has any advice for me about any situation, go right ahead and tell me. It'll be appreciated. Even if it's to tell me I'm being a conceited asshole, I want to hear it, because then I'll be able to look at myself and try to stop being an asshole. Jason mentioned something about being more cautious when he posts his blogs. I don't think he should worry about it. His blog is his blog. He shouldn't have to alter its contents just so he doesn't offend people. He should say what he has on his mind. By doing so he has already strengthened our friendship and helped himself to sort out his feelings so he's not quite as depressed anymore. And on a further note, I will not be tailoring my blog for anyone else as well. Yes, my posts are long. Yes, I get into a little bit of detail of my sex life. But, hey, this is to help me. It is written by me, for me, not for anyone else in particular. So, if there's something you don't like, you don't have to read it. Or you can tell me and let me know. Which ever you want to do.
So, yeah, I meet with my psychologist a week from tomorrow. I wonder if I should have her read this. Maybe it would speed my treatment along. I don't know. Just a thought.
On a completely different note, this little date thing is kinda annoying. I mean, yes, technically it is Tuesday, but the things I write about concern Monday. The day before. So my header says I wrote this on Tuesday, which it technically is, but I talk about stuff from Monday, so it looks like I'm going nuts or something. I suppose it would fix that if I just blogged before midnight, but, well, I don't really have time to blog before midnight. I'll just have to deal with it, I guess. Silly time.
So, apperantly, I'm Scott's bitch. His dirty bitch. At least, according to him I am. Not that I mind. In fact, I'm all for being his bitch. I just think it's funny how he's calling me that . . . So, yeah, Scott is officially broken up with Diana. Apperantly she took some guy to her sorority formal, and purposely didn't take Scott. Scott said he was fed up with her shit. I don't blame him. That's a really shitty thing to do to your boyfriend. Really shitty. And, apperantly, she didn't think it would get back to him. She is such a stupid bitch. Good riddance, I say. So, yeah, I'm Scott's dirty bitch, and he's taken to being physically playful. You know, that macho "punch your buddy on the shoulder" stuff that guys do to show affection. But it's somewhat violent, so it's manly and not girly. And he keeps trying to get me to punch him back. Hard too. He keeps telling me to hit him harder and harder. I do what he tells me. It's just kinda odd. I've never been much of one to rough house with friends. Not that I don't like it, I just have never really done it before. Let's see, what else? Oh yeah, Scott took a water gun and squirted it up onto me from behind as he moaned, "I'm Cumming". And he spontanteously says the word boner, just to get me aroused. And to top it off, there's the usual fascination with my love life.
How incredibly frigging annoying. Seriously. I'm finally starting to get over him, and he's worse than ever. It's funny, though, how he'll do all these things to make me question him, but the moment I point it out, he tells me some story about some hot girl he did, or point out every female in sight and say how hot they are. Boys are confusing.
There is one thing about Scott that disturbs me greatly, though. He has a propensity to use substances that are harmful to his body. Drugs. Now, he doesn't do the really scary stuff like crack and heroin, but it still really bothers me. He drinks a lot, he smokes tobacco occassionally when he's drunk, smokes pot whenever his "friends" ask him to, and tonight I find out that he also sometimes chews tobbacco. Sure, three out of the four are legal, but it really bothers me. I had a great uncle who died of lung cancer that was a direct result of his smoking. These substances can kill. They destroy his body from the inside out. It is the dumbest thing that he spends so much time working out to be in such good physical shape, and then he goes and uses these drugs which poison his body. I don't get it. I've told him how much it bothers me, and he always responds that he doesn't do it that much, and it's not that bad, and I drink too, so I don't have any room to talk.
For one thing, I don't drink very often. Once every couple months at the most. And I never drink to the point where my body can't take it anymore and I have to puke it all up. I really took that DARE program in elementary school to heart. I don't want to use substances that will poison my body. It doesn't make sense to me. I find it repulsive. But yet, I drink sometimes. Drinking is legal just like ciggarettes, and drinking causes health problems too, right? Now, I'll admit that I don't know all the facts, but it is my understanding that your body has the ability to break down alcohol provided it is not consumed in large quantities and overwhealms the liver. Your body doesn't have the ability to break down tar and nicotine. Your body doesn't have the ability to break down THC in pot, or heal the burns in your lungs caused my inhaling smoke. Why would anyone want to do this, even occasionally? Scott claims that its fun and it gives him a buzz, and it's something to do. That is such bullshit. While it may be fun initially, I just find the idea of inhaling smoke or chewing brown shit disgusting. And there are infinitely better things to do than poison yourself to have something to do. It jsut makes me so mad to know he's hurting himself like that. It's true that the only time he smoke tobacco is when he's drunk and just does it on a whim, and he only does pot when his friends offer to give him some. But it just makes me mad how he doesn't have enough of a backbone to say no to his "friends" and the thought of him chewing or having a ciggarette in his mouth makes me want to puke. It just hurts because I care for him so much. I want him to be healthy and be happy and live a good, long life. I don't want to see him hurt himself and throw that away. He's too good for that. He just needs to grow up and realize it. He's very immature in a lot of ways. He's far from perfect.
I think that's what really proves to me that I truly love him. The fact that I know he's not perfect, and I still flove him anyway. Despite his flaws. I read somewhere that "you don't love because, you love despite". And I think it really makes a lot of sense. To love a person, you have to love all of them. Every aspect of them. You take the good with the bad. You can't just have the good. The world doesn't work that way. Everyone has some flaw, and if you can't accept someone's flaw, you can't completely accept them as a person. If you can't love a person's flaws, you can't fully love them as a person. I see that Scott has flaws. I recognize that, and I love him all the more because of it. Because I don't see some fake, aggradnized view of him that isn't really true. I see him as he really is, and I'm still in love with him. I don't hate his flaws. I don't like them either, but I want to help him control them. I wouldn't give up on him because of them. And, honestly, is there really anymore to true love than that? If anyone has an answer, let me know.
