Can I just say that I love Steve to death and he is the bestest ever? Because he is. He had the guts to do something that I'm too cowardly to do, and as a result, I am happier than I have been in a long time. What is it Steve did, you ask. Steve talked to Nick. He asked Nick what was up between him and I, and Nick told him. As you can probably imagine, the answer was favorable. Nick likes me!!!!!!!!!!!!! He likes me!!!!!!!!! I like Nick!!!!!!! He likes ME!!!!! I AM SOOO HAAAAAAPY!!!!!
So, yeah, I'm excited. The past week was rather upsetting because Nick has been online almost constantly, and yet he'd never IM me. And then the last conversation I had with him (See previous blog) left me feeling like there was no chance at all between us. Thank god I was wrong. Steve talked to Nick and Nick told him that he really does have feelings for me, and we'd be dating if he was still in Omaha. (You have no idea the feeling that gives me to think of that. Tingles just run up and down my spine. Yay!) But, the thing is, Nick didn't think that I had feelings for him. And that is completely my fault. I had been so worried about appearing desperate and looking like an idiot that I was too afriad to talk to him. I felt that I had to wait for him to make the first move, and if he didn't it meant he wasn't interested. All those times that he didn't IM me, he was probably sitting at his computer wondering why I wasn't IMing him. And I just feel like a big dork.
So far in my life, I have never been an initiator. I've always waited for someone else to make the first move. In everything. I never ask for things when I'm at someone else's house because I think that if they really wanted to give me something, they'd offer it. And I usually wait for my friends to call me to do stuff because I think that if they don't call me, it means that they don't want to hang out. And this is a really messed up way for me to look at the world. I need to go out and get the things that I want. I can't just wait for it to be offered to me because that's not the way life works. You don't get stuff handed to you. People usually don't go out of their way to make your life easier. And I shouldn't leave the responsibilty of continuing friendships up to others, figuring if they really want to hang out, they'll call. That's probably the number one reason why I have lost touch with as many people as I have. I waited for them when I should've been making the moves myself. To some degree I still feel like this, but at least I've identified the problem so I can try and fix it.
So, after much confusion, Nick and I know that we like each other. And the credit goes completely to Steve, who had the balls to ask. Thanks again, Steve. So, Nick and I like each other, good, but . . . Nick is in Michigan and will be there until August . . . This complicates thigs quite a bit. Long-Distance realtionships don't work. At least, I have yet to see proof that they do. And they definitely don't work if you've only seen the person a total of 3 times. So, we can't really date now, can we? However, he did invite me to go visit him this summer, which I will definitely do. I don't know or care how I'll do it, but I will find a way. Hell, if I have to walk, I'll go. I've walked long distances before. So, I absolutely can not wait until I can go out there and see him. Granted, I'm not going to get to spend more than a couple days with him at the most, but I'll at least get to see him again, and get to know him better, and just be with him, and that's what's really important right now. And then we get to the real difficulty: His mother is selling their house in Council Bluffs. Which means that his mother will no longer be living anywhere near Omaha, which means that Nick will not have a place to stay when/if he comes back in August.
This is shit. Seriously. I mean, why in the hell does it have to be so frigging difficult. I finally find someone I connect with, that likes me, and he has to fucking move a week after I meet him! Can I not get a break? Jeez. But, that's a while from now. There's still a good chance he'll come back. I hope he does. God, I hope he does. But I shouldn't really give my hopes up or anything until I go see him, because, frankly, I don't really know him yet. He might turn out to be a complete asshole, who knows? I doubt it, but there could always be something.
So, I find out Nick likes me, and who's the first person I feel the need to tell? No, not Bethany (although she was a very close second), but Scott. Why? That's a good question. Maybe it was subconciously asking for approval? Maybe it's just because we're really close friends and he's the one striaght guy I can really talk to about my relationships. I suppose there could be lots of reasons, but regardless, he's the first person I had to tell. And he's happy for me. He reallydoes seem excited for me. So, where does this leave me with Scott. I mean, just yesterday I was bloggin about how I'm still in love with Scott and the getting over him things seemed to have halted. And here I am, 25 hours later, head-over-heels for Nick. Am I seriously fucked up? I don't know. Honestly, I think that the getting over process probably stopped because I felt that I was getting nowhere with Nick, so I should just stick with what I have at the moment. So, am I just addicted to having feelings for people. If I can't have feelings for one person, I have them for another, and then I just trade off? That just sounds really messed up. I mean, yes, I am still in love with Scott, but . . . I don't know. Maybe it's changed. Maybe I've changed. I don't know, but I'm just really excited about the prospect of being with Nick. It is so hard to explain. I'm really confused. The one thing that I know is that Nick is the only person that has made me want Scott less. As of right now . . . I would rather road-trip to go visit Nick this summer than road-trip to visit Scott.
I don't know how to put it any other way. I am so confused. What does this all mean? Why does it all have to be so difficult and confusing? Why? Grrrr . . .
I really like Nick. I really do. I'm happier right now than I have been in a while. Maybe I'll just concentrate on that instead of throwing more stress on myself. You know, concentrate on the good stuff. Yeah . . . I think I'll try and take my own advice.
