The following post was actually written lateThursday evening/Friday early
morning, but b/c my evil iMac was being evil, I couldn't post it.
Scratching the Surface
I got back from Nick's house a little while ago . . . It was a much better
experience than I had anticipated. I suppose I better start at the beginning
or it won't make a whole lot of sense.
I hung out with Steve this evening, and, as mentioned in a previous post, I
planned to call Nick. Well, I did. And my voice was all shakey and I stumbl
ed over words and stuff, but somehow I think he got the idea that I wanted
to hang out. So, after begging for the use of the car, and regrettably
ditching Steve, I drove out to Council Bluffs to go see Nick.
When I called him, I heard another person in the background, so I was
expecting him to have a group of people at his house. There wasn't. It was
just him. Shirtless . . . But, anyway, he greeted me in a warm fashion.
Then he went to change into a recent birthday present of his . . . a little
itty bitty thong. Without going into too much graphic detail, we went
upstairs and had some fun. Then we laid there for a little while, and
talked. Not about anything important. I can't even remember what it was
about, really. But, then he said we should go downstairs because his mom
might come home soon. Then he gave me a pop and got on the computer. He
told me that he is going to Michigan for the summer, and he is leaving on
Saturday. It surprised me. He had mentioned leaving for michigan earlier, bu
t I didn't know it was any time soon. Anyway, he was on gay.com looking for
gay guys in Michigan. He said he would be needing some friends when he gets
there. So, here I am, I just had fun with this boy, and he is currently
looking for other gay boys to keep himself occupied while he is out of town .
. . Needless to say, I was not exactly pleased, but not surprised. But then
at random times he would reach up and kiss me, or flirt, or say how sexy I
was or something to that effect, and I was confused as hell. That continued
for a little while, and then he wanted to go upstairs and go to sleep. So,
we went up stairs and laid down. After a little while, we started to have
fun again, but this time it was different. He was being rough, and very
S&M-ish. So, I was made his bitch, and the encounter started out good, but
he became more and more violent. He said things like I was his, and I
couldn't see anyone else, but the same didn't apply to him. How do I know
that he's a decent person? He could hurt me. Would I stop him, etc. And at
first I thought that it was just part of the rough act, that he was just
doing it for the heck of it. So I played along. I let him do those things
and I didn't stop him because I wsa insecure about turning him down. I
wanted so badly to be accepted that I was letting him hurt me, and I told him
I liked it. I have the bite-marks and torn up shoulder to prove it.
Then, suddenly, he got off of me and said that I was weak. I asked him what
he was talking about. He said that I wasn't standing up for myself. That no
one, let alone him, has the right to say those things and do those things to
me. And I was weak for letting it happen. He said that I shouldn't let
people have so much power over me mentally and emotionally. And that by
consenting to have fun with him after barely knowing him doesn't make it
likely for a relationship to be anything important.
And what he said sunk in and I realized how I have been living my life. How
I have been letting all sorts of people walk all over my feelings and
emotions. That I have pathetically been throwing myself at any chance of
happiness, and that no one is ever going to respect me until I respect myself.
It all hit me in that instant. It was one of those life-changing revelaions
that I have only had once or twice before. It really put everything into
perspective. In that instant, I grew a spine, and I replied to him that I
could, and would have stopped him if I wanted to. And that he shouldn't be
making judgements since he A) has only known me less than a week, and B) he
initiated it in the first place. He admitted his wrong. He seemed to
respect me little more in that instant. And for the next few minutes we had
a little . . . I don't know what to call it . . . but we bounced ideas about
life off each other much as he had just done. It was something of a little
competition. Him trying to get me to stick up for myself, I guess. And in
that time, I realized that this boy is far more than I ever thought he would
be. We got dressed and went downstairs and talked about random stuff for a
little while, and I saw him in a different light. He is more than just a
pretty face. He is an incredibly deep person with whom I have just begun to
scratch the surface. He told me to call him tomorrow so we can plan
something for tomorrow night, After all, he leaves for the summer in two
days. I really want to get to know him. To find out just what is underneath
that pretty face. Since I only have one day to do it, I plan to make the
most of it.
