I read Alan's blog today. Despite his apologies, it made me feel kinda stupid. I mean, I guess I complain about relationships a lot. I don't mean to make people feel bad. Maybe I'm just being selfish. But it made me think a little bit. I mean, why am I so fixed on this need to have a significant other? Can't I be happy without one? Of course I can, right? But that still doesn't explain why I'm so obsessed with the need. I guess part of it is hormones. It'd be nice to have someone that I can have fun with physically. Every teenage guy feels that. But, I'm not completely interested in the sex. I mean, yeah, it sounds like fun, but that's not all that I'm after. If it turns out that Nick is only after my body, I will be devastated. Maybe this need comes from the fact that here at Dana everyone seems to be dating someone. And everyone looks so happy. I'm jealous that I can't have that. And that I can't have the joy that they do. Hell, there are people getting engaged and married left and right. And then I realize that when my mom was my age, she was dating my father. And was married less than a year later. All these other people seem so much farther ahead, as far as relationships, than I am. I mean, I've only really had one boyfriend. And that was more awkward than anything else.
Maybe it's the fact that I actually have genuine feelings for someone, and I feel the need to express them in some way, even if it isn't with that person. And that actually sounds really horrible. Like I would use someone and not truly have feelings for them. I honestly hope that isn't it. Maybe it's that I'm addicted to having feelings for someone. Seriously, when I don't, I feel so empty compared to when I do. Love just fills me up and makes me feel more complete than at any other time. And I just don't want to let go of that feeling. Once again, a selfish reason.
And then again, maybe it's something all together. Maybe it's because relationships are a genuine challenge to me. I want one because it's something I can't have, or can't have easily, at least. I mean, a lot of stuff just comes naturally to me. Academics, theater, and choir just stem from my natural talent. I honestly don't have to work terribly hard to be successful. I have lots of strong friendships. It's as if I have everything going for me, and everything comes easily except for one small, but vitally important thing: a close romantic relationship with another person. It's like my flaw or something. And it makes me wonder if I will, in fact, ever have something like that. Because most of the time, right now included, it really feels like I won't. And I really can't stand the thought of being alone all my life . . .
Eric 4/16/2003 12:18:00 AM
