Much like the title suggests, I am speechless. Things have a way of turning out completely different from what I expect. To a certain extent, it's really frigging annoying. But I suppose life would be much more boring if I could predict what would happen.
So this blogging thing isn't just an online diary thing anymore. That's what it started out as, I guess, but it seems like it's a way to communicate with my friends now. A way for me to say stuff to them that I might not otherwise be able to say. It's kind of ironic, really. I feel like I shouldn't put down everything so that I have something to talk about when I hang out with people. But that defeats the purpose of getting all my thoughts down. And then there's the times when I tell a story and I tell it to so many people that it starts to get old. Already I'm just telling people to read this to find out how I got those marks on my shoulder. I feel like, to a certain extent, I'm becoming more anti-social. And yet, in a way, I'm more social at the same time because I'm able to communicate the random workings of my mind to people more. Once again, bittersweet.
I am so confused.
I read Steve's blog. I really don't know what to say about it. But I suppose I'm going to try, aren't I? It was really touching. Really, it was. I had no idea that Steve thought those things, and I had no idea that I was seen like that by anybody. I really appreciate Steve's support. He's really becoming a true friend lately. If only I could turn on love the way that I've been working at turning it off . . . I feel like such an idiot. Why can't I be attracted to decent people who actually care about me? Why? Why do I always have to choose the hard road? And it's not even like I have a choice, really. It's like it's all chosen for me, and I don't have any say in it at all. It is so frustrating. Looking at it that way, I shouldn't feel bad. But I'm still frustrated. Things are just too complicated. Seriously.
I got to talk to Jenni Bruce tonight. I haven't done that in forever. I really miss her. She's awesome, and she's been through a lot this past year. I wish I had been there with her, but we seem to have grown apart a little. I regret that. I really do. I've grown apart from a lot of people I wish I hadn't. I don't really know how it happened. It just kind of did. Slowly, and bit by bit, I just lost track of people. It happened when I went to college, and then it happened again when other friends went to college. Is it going to happen again when Steve, Alan, Peter, and Jason go to college? Will I grow apart from them too? God, I hope not. That would really suck. I mean, I've known them for a couple years and just now I'm starting to really get to know them. Kind of like how I never really started getting to know Jenni until she graduated and we lost touch.
I want to fix that. But it'll be difficult with us both leading such busy lives. This summer. Definitely this summer. Jenni, if you read this, WE ARE HANGING OUT THIS SUMMER!!! AND I'M NOT TAKING NO FOR AN ANSWER!!!!!!!!! Oh yeah, and . . . I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
That felt good. I needed that. Yay for Jenni. Yay for friends. They are what keeps me going. There is so much stuff running around in my head, I can't sort it all to put it down. Oi . . . I think that's it for now. I'm taking a break. Maybe I'll post later tonight. Maybe not. It is kinda late already . . .
Eric 4/23/2003 01:05:00 AM
