So, yeah, I haven't blogged in nearly a week . . . and, well, despite frequernt complatints about the length of my blogs, this is going to be another novel. I mean, a week has gone by, and it was a ridiculously eventful week at that. So, deal with it, or don't read it.
Well, that dear mother of mine flipped out when she found out I wanted to go to the concert. So, she turned my dad against the idea too. Why was she mad? Becuase I had agreed to help get the house ready for Kelly's party, and now I was leaving. Well, I felt bad about missing Kelly's party, but she wasn't upset I was missing it, she was upset that I wasn't cleaning the house for it. True, I said I would, but . . . I really really hate cleaning. Especially when it's someone else's mess. So, I probably wouldn't have cleaned much anyway, but yeah, we got into a huge
argument over it, and that just happened to be right before my psychologist apppointment, so that's what we spent that on. It opened my eyes a little bit, and helped me to understand my mom's point of view. She's always so embarrassed about the house, and my little brothers are terrors and destroy everything they come across. I understand her frustrations, and while I don't see it as my duty to clean up every mess, I was willing to help out until I left. Well, after the appointment, my mom was all smiley, but she never brought up the subject of the concert.
So, Thursday evening was a waste. I couldn't get ahold of Joe and Scott, and I was busy trying to get my stuff back into my room, and took 2 or three trips up to dana and back to get stuff. Finally, around 10:30 in the eveing I found Scott and Joe and we proceded to try and figure out what to do. Well, my mother still refused to let Scott and I use the car. Thus, we couldn't go, b/c Scott's car was in no condition to go that far. And it pissed me off a lot more than I thought would. I was just as mad as I was at Scott after the cast party. We couldn't retratct the bid, we couldn't sell the tickets ourselves. It was either we got out bid, or we had to pay for tickets we couldn't use. I thought maybe we could find a third person, and they could go to the concert in my place, while I just stayed with Nick, but Scott really flipped out at that suggestion, saying that Nick isn't the point of this trip, and he just wants to see the concert and that's it. He didn't really have any good reason to be opposed to the idea, he was just really angry that it was suggested. I could see if he'd be mad that I was ditching him, or if I was making him go with someone he didn't know, but those aren't the reasons he gave. Was it because he wanted to go specifically with me, or what? I don't know. It just surprised me how angry he got about it. So, I dropped the subject. He's a weird kid. He may have had a good reason and just didn't want to say it out loud, or he's just an irrational ass. I just don't know with him anymore.
Anyway, there was nothing else we could do. We weren't able to go. And I was furious. I stormed out of the dorm, and struggled to look civil as I said good-bye to Scott and Joe and Katrina for the summer. In the back of my mind I was angry at myself for being so obviously angry when I'm saying good-bye, and that my pissy mood would be the last they see of me all summer, but I really couldn't help it. I got in the van, and my mom had me drive. Which was in credibly ironic, because her mainf reason for not letting me take the car was the fact that I don't have car insurance. And I was pissed, and not thinking clearly, so I flew into a rage, and said something about showing her how well I can drive with out car insurace. And I proceeded to drive like a maniac through residential Blair, running a serious risk of a crash, and an even more likely one of a ticket, considering Blair cops. My mom screamed at me to stop, but I knew she couldn't unless she really wanted me to crash. She just kept screaming at me, and finally, I slammed on the breaks and jumped out of the car and started walking back to Dana. I didn't want to go
home with her, and I figured that spending the night at Dana would help me cool off. Ironically, I was offered two rides on my hike back to Dana. I guess my legendary story about the airport really spread . . .
Well, I got back and got online in the computer lab downstairs. At some point Scott came down and said my mom was looking for me and that she was worried. I was still very very far from being cooled off, so I told him to tell her I was staying here. A little while later, she started knocking on the window. I ignored her. And she continued knocking for about a half an hour and then she stopped. Then I started talking to steve, and he told me how hopeless the whole Michigan trip idea is, and I didn't want to hear it. I was so angry that everything was working so perfectly, and now it was all falling apart. It felt like my entire life was falling apart all around me and I couldn't take it. I'm very, very lucky I didn't have access to any acetominophine.
That's the funny thing about attempting suicide. Now that I've actually attempted it once, it doesn't seem like its such a big deal anymore. For the longest time I was so afraid that I couldn't do it. But now that I've done it . . . it seems a lot easier to do. I've been prepared to end my life before, so now it doesn't take as much to make me prepared again. I'm thinking that's not a good thing. I mean, what did that 4 days in the treatment facility do if I'm more willing than ever to take my own life? Well, I shouldn't say that, really. I'm not more willing . . . I'm just less afriad of dying. It doesn't seem like such a big deal anymore. It's odd. This is something I ought to bring up at my next therapy session . . .
So, I went to sleep in my dorm room for one more night.
Wow, good thing I saved this. It's now 24 hours since I typed that last paragraph. You see, now that I'm at home, I have a shitty internet connection, so I'm going to have to type out my blogs ahead of time, and then just copy, pate, and post. And it's a good thing too, because I keep getting interrupted by various things. Alrighty, back to my story before I have to go to work.
Joe woke me up around 9:30-10:00 the next morning, saying that we had, in fact, won the tickets and my dad was on the phone. I took the phone, and my dad told me I could use the car. I COULD USE THE CAR!!!!!! He said he was going to be coming out here to drop the car off as long as he could use Scott's car to get to work. So, I hung up and sprinted to Scott's room to wake him up and tell him the good news. And what was the first thing out of his mouth? "But we're not going. We've already decided this."I wanted to rip him apart, limb from limb. Apperantly, he got the picture from the glare I bore into him, because he relented and said he'd start getting ready. So, I go back to my room and start packing, and Scott starts talking to Joe online. Last night, when it looked like we weren't going, Scott decided to tell Katrina that he would take her to the airport. Now that he was going again, he had to find another ride for her. THAT'S WHY HE DIDN'T WANT TO GO!!! TO TAKE KATRINA TO THE AIRPORT!!!! ARRRRGHGH!!! But we got Tabby to agree to give Katrina a ride. Tabby is the greatest.
Then I got a call from my mother saying that BK called and was wondering where I was. Apperantly, I was supposed to be working . . . So, yeah, things were still difficult after we got ahold of the car. But, I decided to say "Fuck BK" and I finished packing and helping Scott pack. We got the car from my dad. He filled it with gas and packed a cooler of pop and a bag of snacks and stuff. My dad is the greatest.
So, we went back to my house so I could pack clothes and get maps, etc., and we were finally on the road by 12:45. More than five hours later than I had planned.
Fun Facts and Statistics of My Random Road Trip:
Length of Trip: 2 days
Total Miles Traveled: 1,842.6 miles
Hours Spent Driving: 29 hours
Time Spent With Nick: 45 minutes . . .
Money Spent: $175 ($250 if you count the cost of the concert ticket)
Meals Eaten: 4
% of Meals at BK: 0% (Yeah, I was surprised too)
% of Meals at McDonalds: 50%
% of Meals at Arby's: 50%
Nephews Born: 1 (Scott's)
# of Complaints by Scott: Too Many to Frigging count . . .
# of Times I Blew Up at Scott: 2
# of Times He Backed Off: 2 (Now who's the bitch, BITCH?)
Distance From Stage: 5 feet
# of Pictures Taken of TEB: 49
# of Nicks: 5 (Nick, the guy selling tickets, Arby's worker, Gas Station attendant, Concert Security guy)
# of Live Deer on Side of Road: 3
# of Dead Deer on Side of Road: 10.33-11.33 (The 0.33 is from the severed head and neck lying on the road. The possibility of error is from the large mass of road kill that was so ripped up it
could've been anything, but was approximately deer sized.)
# of Times Scott Got Us Lost: 2
# of People Pulled Over By Cops: 15
$ Unexpectedly Spent on Tolls: $20
Hours Spent Sightseeing: 0
Average Speed: 75 mph
Average Speed in Chicago: 20 mph (Through ALL of Chicago . . . traffic can die . . .)
# of Reasons Nebraska is Better Than Any Other Place in the US(according to Scott): Also, too many to frigging count . . . .
So, yeah, it may look like I did a lot of complaining. But I really did have a blast. I mean, if things went perfectly, it wouldn't have been nearly as interesting. Well . . . if things went a little bit MORE perfectly, it would've been a LOT more interesting . . .
So, we were making good time, until we hit Chicago at rush hour and Scott locked the keys in the car at a gas station. That set us back about hours . . . As a result of our hold-ups, we didn't get to Ohio until 2:00 a.m. and then Scott got us lost because he can't read a frigging map with printed directions, so we spent nearly an hour on the phone with Nick trying to find out how to find his place. Thus, we finally met up with Nick around 3:00. By this time I found out that we had gotten there too late for him to sneak us into his dorm. Thus, we could not stay with him and had to find a hotel room. Then, Scott decided to be . . . difficult. The second we met up with Nick, he got all pouty and pissy. He complained that he wanted to go to bed RIGHT AWAY. So, we piled into Nick's friend's car to go look for a hotel. We find the hotel and Nick and his friend and I were going to go hang out for a little bit and let Scott stay at the hotel and sleep. But, nooooo, Scott wanted to go get his stuff from the car NOW. Basically, Scott made it abundantly clear he didn't want to be around Nick and his friend, and seemed to refuse to let me be alone with Nick at all. He'd always come up with some excuse if anything was suggested. Heck, Nick was going to spend the night with me in the hotel room, but after a while of listening to Scott whine and complain, he decided it wasn't a good idea. Then, we wanted to hang out the next morning, but nooooo, Scott wanted to leave at 7:00 a.m. to make sure we got the tickets in time. Nevermind that we have until 3:00 and it's only a three hour drive. We had to leave at 7:00, 8 hours before we had to pick them up, b/c Scott was a paranoid bitch. So, yeah, there went my morning with Nick. Out the window because Scott had to be difficult.
I still have no idea why he acted like that. He was fine until we met up with Nick and then he turned into an asshole. He claimed it was because he was tired and worried about his sister having her baby. But . . . I don't quite believe him. He's normally a very, very laid-back guy. He doesn't complain, or have a problem with anything. Then, suddenly, he had a problem with everything, and had to let us all know it. He really didn't make a good impression on Nick, and really made the evening a lot more awkward than it should've been. After we went back to the hotel, he complained about how many gay guys there were, and how many of them checked him out, and how he should've beat them up. I told him he was being dumb. He replied that he has enough problems dealing with me beng attracted to him. And I soooooo wanted to beat the shit out of him . . . But I restrained myself, and we went to sleep.
So, yeah, I got to see Nick. Despite the short time, it was really great. It was like no time at all had passed. he greeted me and gave me a hug. He put his arm around my waist, and he must've been telling people about me because he brought me up to a random group of people and introduced me to all of them. I showed him my scar. He was pretty surprised and apologized. Then he jokingly suggested giving me more of them. Me mentioned that I'm really good at bj's!! That made me happy. And I also got soe bad news . . . he's not coming back to Omaha at the end of the summer. He's living in Mount Pleasant, Michigan for the year. Then he's coming back to Omaha. He said that there's a college up there and I'd be able to get a good job, so I should consider moving there with him . . .
I didn't know what to say . . .
Part of me actually wants to . . . It seems so crazy, but . . . it seems kinda right too . . . But, it's ridiculous right? I mean, I have everything going for me at Dana. I have sooo many good friends, and a shitload of scholarships, and opportunities up the wazoo. And, I barely know Nick. We aren't dating. It'd be leaving everything . . . for nothing. Well, not nothing . . . just, nothing definite . . . It's really a huge gamble. Why do I feel so attatched to this boy I barely know so that I consider following him at his request? I don't know. All I know is that when our eyes met that night, Scott completely vanished from my head. It was as if he wasn't even there. I didn't care about him anymore when Nick was with me. I kind of considered this trip to be a test. To see whether or not I was truly over Scott. To see how I felt when standing next to the both of them. And I chose Nick. I chose Nick despite my past with Scott. Despite how well I know Scott. Despite everything, my heart chose Nick.
When he gave me a kiss goodnight, my knees buckled. They BUCKLED! He made me weak in the knees. That stupid stereotype that I thought was so corny, actually came true. Scott never made me weak in the knees. Then again, he never kissed me . . . but, nevermind him. That night in the hotel, I couldn't sleep. All I could think about was Nick, and being with him and getting to know him. He wants me to come up in Mid-June because it's Gay day up there, and he's taking three days off work and wants me to be there with him. I want to be with him too. I have no idea how I'm going to get there, but I will. Even if it means I go to Europe with less than $100, I'm going to go. And I'm going to have the best three days of my life, because I'll be with Nick.
And this post is definitely really long. And I've kinda gotten off track. I think I'll just post this and finish later.
Eric 5/28/2003 12:08:00 AM
