Good god this has been a night of drama. I'm exhausted, but I need to blog because I'm going insane. The difficult boys I refer to are, in chronological order, Nick, Steve, Scott, Jeff, and, last but not least, myself.
Fuck I'm tired!!!
I can't wait for my page to return to normal . . . this thing is ridiculous . . .
Anyway, here goes nothing. Nick is . . . not very talkative at all. He is rarely online, and whenever he is, I say hi. He says hi. I ask what's up. He says either "not much"or "nothing". And that is the extent of the conversation. It is like pulling teeth to even get him to say that much. And believe me, I try. So, what does this mean? He obviously doesn't want to talk to me very badly, and he obviosuly isn't terribly interested if it's such an inconvenience for him to type a few fucking words. And where does this leave me? I mean, should I really travel for 20 hours to visit a boy who barely gives me the time of day?
Then there's Steve, who, apperantly, talks to Nick a hell of a lot more than I do. Sure, he's talked to Nick 4 times, but in one fucking conversation he's gotten more out of him than I have with all the times I've tried to talk to him put together!!! What the FUCK!?!? I thought Nick was interested in me. Steve claims he says he is, but then why does he talk to Steve and not me. And to make things more frustrating, Steve refuses to tell me what they talk about. Like it's some big huge secret or conspiracy or something. I mean, I could understand if it was personal and none of my business, but Steve doesn't even tell me that. He just says that Nick tells him secrets and he's not comfortable telling me, because I should wait until Nick tells me . . . WHAT THE FUCK!?!? Obvioulsy this has something to do with me and I have a fucking right to know what the hell it is. I HATE being kept in the dark. It is the number one thing that I hate in the entire world. Yes, even more than cheese, and even more than the X-box . . . So, I ask Steve to find out what's going on with Nick. And Steve turns around and tells me that I need to talk to him, and it's bad for our relationship if we communicate through Steve, and he doesn't feel comfortable questioning Nick about me. A) Nick doesn't talk to me, Nick talks to Steve. B) Nick and I have no fucking relationship if he dosen't talk to me. And C) I'm not asking steve to interrogate him. I just want him to mention that I am wondering why the fuck Nick won't talk to me. Not in those words, though. So, Steve blows up and thinks I'm trying to manipulate him or something. I don't know. He's just being very, very shady and unhelpful about the whole thing and it pisses me off to no end.
And then we get to Scott. So, I try and get tickets for Scott, and my roommate Joe and I to go see the Matrix: Reloaded tomorrow. My mother is a fucking lazy bitch and refused to get the tickets, so I had to get Scott to drive me to Omaha to get them. And what does he do? He gets a ticket for Katrina . . . Now I specifically told him that I was going to get 3 tickets. For me, Joe, and him. I didn't say 4, or however many he wanted. I didn't ask him who else wanted to go. I said I was getting a ticket for him. And then he invites Katrina once again . . . So, I held my peace. Then Joe found out what Scott did, and he was rather irritated too. It was his understanding that this was a "guys night out" type of thing, WHICH IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE. Thus, when Kori mentioned wanting to go, Joe didn't invite her because it was a "guys night out", and told her he'd see it with her another time. So, Joe was annoyed because he made Kori feel bad for no reason. So I ask Scott if he wants to bring anyone else along. He says know, and that opens up a conversation about the recent Katrina that is attatched to his fucking hip. Apperantly, she happened to be in the room both times I asked him to do something, and he thought it would be rude to just leave her. Well . . . he could have said something before just showing up with her. He could have asked if he could bring her along or something. Once again, I like Katrina. She's great. But it is EXTREMELY awkward to be around her and Scott at the same time. I may not quite be in love with Scott anymore, but there are still feelings there, and they will be there to some extent for the rest of my life. It's not easy to watch him date someone in front of my eyes. Especially not one of my friends. It's a slap in the face. I feel like he's showing her off and rubbing it in that he's not interested in me. And I hate it. I told him as much. I told him how uncomfortable I was on the way home last night. He apologized and then said he thought it would help me get over him faster . . . Stupid, stupid boy. He can really be an idiot sometimes. Really. I just told him that I am not like that. He still didn't understand, but agreed to ask before spontaneously bringing Katrina along next time. I'm probably not going to get much more out of the boy . . .
And in the middle of that conversation, Jeff IMs me. He's horny and wants sex. I told him it's late and not a good night. I manage to change the subject several times, and he kept managing to turn it back. Finally, I got to the point where I almost agreed. I mean, with all this shit going on, Jeff is the only person legitimately showing interest in me. So why not? Why not get what I can? I so hate myself for even thinking that. But seriously, if I'm never going to be truly happy, I might as well fuck random people so I can be happy for a few minutes of the day. Good god life is shitty. I finally just told Jeff I was going to bed. And by this point Scott pissed me off again, and then I started to blog . . .
So, yeah, I have no idea what's going on with Nick. It's not like I can message him and ask him why he's not talking to me. I'll look like an obsessive freak. But he doesn't talk to me, so I'm kinda stuck, aren't I. I finally just left him an IM message asking if there's anthing up because he hasn't been very talkative. He might not get it. He probably won't get it. But at least its something.
I don't know what to do about Steve. He's being so suspicious I don't even know if I should believe a word he says. I just have no idea where he is coming from and he is refusing to tell me. I guess I'll just have to wait.
Scott's a fuck. I just have to remember that. It's really annoying to not be able to let go of him completely. And it's as if everytime the Nick situation looks grim, I am more attracted to Scott. It's like I need to put my heart somewhere. If it's not with Nick, its with Scott. And there's really no other place for it to go. Scott suggested putting it back in me, but I just can't do that. I can't really expect someone to love me if I don't love myself, but I don't feel any self-worth, and believe I am worthy of being loved unless someone does. I hate paradoxes.
And then Jeff is Jeff. I don't know. I want to be his friend, but he wants a fuck buddy. I'm still debating whether I should give in or not.
An me? I'm just fucked up and confused... I so wish I was seeing my psychologist soon . . . but I'm not . . . it figures . . .
Eric 5/14/2003 04:00:00 AM
