That's how I feel now. Just Blargh. I can't decide if I'm depressed or just bored out of my mind. Which is really rather frustrating.
I was late to work again today. An hour and 10 minutes. I wanted to just sleep right through my shift. I really did. I just didn't want to get out of bed. But Mike, the new manager, called and I said I'd be there as soon as I could. But I didn't. I decided to take a half an hour long shower. I was just feeling really blargh. Like I am right now. I eventually finished my shower and headed to work. On the way, I was thinking, and it dawned on me that being an hour and 10 minutes late just cost me $10 on my next paycheck. I get $10 less than I would if I was on time. All because I had to sleep in. Goddamnit.
Work was . . . ok. It seemed a lot longer than Sundays usually seem. And I felt real dizzy and light headed all day. I only finished half my American burger at break. And I was starving before then too . . . I just lost my appetite and I don't know why. Then everyone in drive through ordered huge $20+ orders that took forever and fucked over my drive-through times. And then the usual throng of parents came up to exchange their kids meal toys , because they can't have their little boys playing with a female action figure, no. Boys have to play with boy toys, and it would destroy all the universe if they even touched a girl toy. Heven forbid we break down the fucking gender stereotypes that have stuck society's head to far up its ass that prejudice and hate are everywhere you turn around in this world. I'm not bitter, not at all.
I looked in the editorials to see if there was any response to my letter. There wasn't. But there was some moron who talked about how we should create a non-marriage union for non-celibate heterosexuals. That made absolutely no sense at all. And then there was some real editorial who's title was something to the effect of "Banning Same-Sex Unions Makes Moral Sense". God people are fucking stupid. That pissed me off so much I just threw the paper down without reading the damn article. Why can't they open their fucking minds? Why are people so fucking hippocritical? Why can't I remember how to fucking spell "hippocritical"?
I went to bring my brother a tv this evening. When I was up there I visited Christi, Kenny, Tabby, and briefly, Scott. Katrina was at Wal-Mart, and didn't come back the entire time I was on campus. Christi and I shared Europe pictures. I showed Tabby pictures too. I also tried to get Tabby to do something with me on my birthday, but she said she had RA stuff all day. All day? Is it a prison? You have RA stuff from sun-up till midnight. You can't spare an hour to have lunch or dinner with your friend on his birthday? What the fuck? That really hurt. I mean I was ditched by a lot of people on my birthday last year and it really, really hurt, and now it looks like it's going to happen all over again except this time Bethany won't be there to make everything bearable.
After that it was almost time for me to leave to meet Jason at the gym, and Tabby really struck a nerve, so I said bye and went to go see if I could find Scott real quick. To my surprise, I found him as soon as I walked down the stairs. He was in a group of people, apperantly being given a tour. I waved and said hi. He turned, looked at me blankly and said that he had RA stuff, and started walking away. That was it. Nice to fucking see you too after 3 months. Jesus.
So I left. Kelly wanted to go grab something to eat, but I really had to get going. So I go to my car. I get in and look over at the passenger seat . . . and my cd case is gone. Gone. Someone fucking stole my cd case. I've gone to Dana for two years, and I have never heard of any theft at all. I thought people there were decent. Apperantly not. Some fucking jock (They're the only people on campus now) stole my cds. And the cds that were in that case were my favorite cds that I put in there so Icould go on road-trips and stuff. All gone. Thank god my brother just ripped most of them onto his computer earlier this week. But there are still about 4 of them that he didn't. And I don't have on my computer, so they're gone. My fucking danish cd that I bought in Denmark was in there! People really fucking piss me off.
So I drive to the gym, listening to the one cd that didn't get stolen b/c it was in the cd player, Third Eye Blind. I get there 5 minutes before 9:00 (the time I tod Jason I'd be there), and I realize I'm wearing flip flops. Not a good thing to wear to the gym. So I drive home to change. But by the time I get home its 9:15. Which means I would get back there util 9:30, which only gives me a half an hour to exercise. By then I was feeling so shitty that I decided to say fuck it and just stay home.
So, here I am. Home. Alone. Bored. Pissed. Depressed. Bitter. And I shouldn't be. I mean, yeah a couple crappy things happened today, but that's nothing I can't cope with. I mean, I've been taking my medicine regularly. What's the deal.
I guess, well, everything seems like its ending. It feels like its another one of those life stages where everything changes. And in a lot of ways, it is. I'm taking a whole new direction in my classes starting this year. And a ton of people graduated last may and are going to be replaced by a ton of new people. Very few things are going to be the same at school this year. I mean, my brother is going to be there. But that's not where all the changes lie. A lot of my other friends have just graduated high school, and they will be going their seperate ways this week. Sure, a lot of them are staying in Omaha, but some are leaving, and I am very worried about what will happen when they do.
Mostly, I'm talking about Peter. I have known him for four years now, and he's about to leave to go to college. Wow, four years. It feels like more than that. It really does. It feels like I've known him most of my life. I have gotten so close to him in the past few years. He has been there for me countless times, and we have had so meany great memories.
I talked to him last night. It was rather brief, but what was said really struck a chord in me. He said something about how we really don't have much in common anymore. And I realized that . . . he might be right. We've both grown a lot in the past four years, and we're not the same people we were back then. We've grown . . . distant, I guess. And, honestly, I felt it. I really have. I just tried to ignore it. But he's leaving in a few days and he's going to grow and change, and I'm left wondering what kind of person he will grow to be in the next four years. I'm sure that whatever it is, it'll be great. I'm just wondering if I'll be able to recognize him. I wondering if I'll actually be able to keep in touch with him, unlike all the other friend's I've had who've graduated these past couple years.
And I just don't know. I don't know. I'm sorry, but I don't know. Peter, I love you. I really do. You are a wonderful, beautiful person. You are talented, intelligent, funny, creative, imaginative, caring, kind, patient, and a thousand other things I just don't have the vocabulary to describe. Oh fuck, I'm bawling now, but I don't care. I don't want to grow apart form you. I don't. And I hate it that I have, but I can't control it. I wish I could, but I can't. I just want you to know that I'm sorry. for everything. I'm sorry for all the times I wasn't there. I 'm sorry for all the times I was an ass. I'm sorry for all the times I forgot about you, or didn't talk to you, or anything. You deserve better, you really do. I hope to god we don't grow so far apart that we don't keep in touch. I just feel horrible knowing I can't promise that. I feel so weak and inferioir not being able to control something like that. I can promise that I will remember you and all the wonderful times we had And I will try, I really will try to grow apart as little as possible. You're leaving, and you're going to make new friends, and you're going to become even greater than you already are and I wish you luck, even though you won't need it. You are a truly great person, and I am so very grateful to have had you in my life as long as I have. It has been a blessing bigger than you can imagine. Thank you.
