In my recent rage against Nick, I went looking at profiles of guys. To meet or talk to or whatever. And I found Nick's profile, updated last Thursday.
Apperantly he's seeing someone. Someone who is "different". I should've guessed when I read his AIM profile last night. But I hoped it meant something else. Guess not.
I honestly don't think I'll be talking to him again. And it hurts. A lot.
I tried sooooooo fucking hard. And he led me along and lied to me and toyed with me.
And you know what's the worst part? Knowing that I was wrong.
I had a "feeling" about him. A gut instinct that told me that he would be someone special. That he would actually be something. And I was wrong.
And that hurts more than anything. I mean, how can I trust myself ever again? How can I trust my instincts when they have been soooo fucking wrong?
I can't. That's the answer. So now I have to live my life constantly doubting everything that I feel.
When am I going to get my break? Never. That's when.
My life is going down the fucking toilet. I can't act, I can't sing, I can't learn, I can't even love. What the hell else am I supposed to do with myself other than take up space and inconvenience other people?
I've lost all faith in myself. I am nothing. I'm even a shitty friend. Alan, Steve, and Jason came to my house last night and tried to cheer me up and let me spend the night. Then Alan got himself up and took me home so I could go to work. And I didn't go to work. I just went back to Dana to sleep. So Alan's trouble all went to nothing and BK was short a worker today all because I was upset. God damn, I'm a fucking moron.
I want it all to stop so very badly. But I don't know how. I really don't know how. I only know of one way, and I promised I'd never do that again.
