Why do I do this to myself? Why to I always fall for the ones I can't have? Why do I always obsess over every little minute detail of the things these impossible people do? And why the fuck do I let myself get so depressed and hopeless over it? GOD DAMN!!!
If something could go my way, just for once, it would be a fucking miracle. Everyone around me (YES! EVERY SINGLE PERSON I FUCKING KNOW) is in some sort of relationship, and they are all happy. My cousin is having a baby, and he's my fucking age. Someone I graduated with is getting married. A friend at school is getting married. A friend at school just got married. And another friend at school just got proposed to.
. . .
Am I really that ugly? Or that boring? Or irritating? Or creepy? Or what!? WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME THAT NO ONE LIKES!?!?!?
Nick's back.
I called him on Saturday. He said he was tired because he had been at The Run all night, and he would call me back later. He never called.
I called him on Sunday and asked if he was busy. He said he wasn't busy, but he was tired because he had been at The Run all night and wanted to know if I could call him back. Well, at least I wouldn't have to wait for his phone call.
So, I call him back. He starts out saying that I'm a friend, so he doesn't want to use me or anything, but he wants to go to The Q (Gay club in Lincoln) with a friend of his, and could I give him a ride? I'm invited to go too, of course.
. . .
So I tell him that I really am not up to clubbing that evening, but I still really wanted to see him. And I offer to take him to Lincoln and drop him off because I am a pathetic loser. He says that it wouldn't be fair to me (which it wouldn't) and that he can ask someone else. I tell him that I have really wanted to hang out with him, and ask if we can hang out before he goes. Sure. So I go drive to Council Bluffs to pick him up.
And I meet up with him, and I can't be mad at him anymore. I don't know why. It just all fell away. It was a little awkward at first. I knew he was an ass, and I wasn't sure where we were, but after a while, on the way to Lincoln, we warmed up and I got him talking. Nick's one messed up boy. He claims that no one knows him because he doesn't open up to them and he likes it that way. He believes that if he lets someone get close to him then they'll try to use him and betray him.
That completely blew me away. I told him how I couldn't beleive he'd made it this far with out someone to confide in, and how I need people to talk to to get over things. He claimed that he was trying to see if a few people were ok for him to trust, but was sick of people only looking for sex. I asked if that meant he was testing them. He said that was a way to put it.
By the time we got to The Q, things were looking up. He said he was free the entire evening the next day and I should give him a call. Then we said bye, and I headed back to Omaha.
When I called his house, he wasn't there. He wasn't home all evening.
Tuesday, I was beyond upset. I got ahold of him after Acting II. He apologized for the other night. He said he went out with a friend and the "fooled around" but the guy didn't want anything.
. . .
And I let him have it. I didn't exactly yell, but I sure as hell let him know exaclty what I thought of the way he'd been acting. It started with something along the lines of "Are you always this much of an asshole, or is this another one of your fucking tests?" To which he responded with only silence. So, I continued. Bitched about how much I have sacrificed to be his friend. Time, money, relationships, sanity. And then I told him how shitty he was treating me if I was his friend. How he ditched me three nights in a row. I told him how he was a hippocrite for claiming not to want sex, but he fools around with someone whom he just met. I'm sure I said some other things too, but it was in a fit of rage, and I don't remember everything.
And he was silent for a second. Then he said that he wasn't doing anything tonight, if I wanted to come over.
. . .
And what do I do? I say, ok, I'll be there. Then I go beg my brother for the use of his car, and I drive to Council Bluffs to spend time with Nick. I am soooo fucking pathetic.
So we start watching a movie. He gets phone calls throughout the movie from gay boys he met online or at the club. And after one particular phone call, he walks up to me and asks me if I can come back tomorrow. He doesn't feel like hanging out tonight.
. . .
That was it. I glared at him and he bends down to give me a hug and tells me not to be mad.
I didn't hug him back. After about a minute he got the point and let go. So I reached over to my backpack and took out the pair of underwear I bought him in Denmark and threw the bag at him.
"No. you don't have to . . ." was all he got out before I stood up, put my backpack on and headed out the door. As I spun around, I saw him lying there, looking up at the cieling. It was plain on his face that he knew he fucked up.
So I left the house. But I didn't want to leave. Stupid me still wanted to stay there with him. So I sat on the curb, wanting to cry, but not being able to, and I waited for him to come out and apologize.
I waited for him for quite a while. Well, it seemed like quite a while. Eventually, a little boy that lived next door cam over and asked me why I was sad. I said it was because I came over to play with Nick, but he didn't want to play with me. And the little boy looked at me and he said, "I want to play with you. You wanna play frisbee?"
That little boy was . . such a blessing. I don't know how else to describe him. He just brought me out of my sadness in an instant. And I played frisbee with him. Right in Nick's front yard. As I ran around catching the frisbee, I noticed that Nick's front door was still open, and he was watching me play with the neighbor boy. I ignored him and continued to play. After a little while, we switched to soccer. At this point, Nick actually came out side and stood on his porch to watch us. I glanced at him to let him know I knew he was standing there, but I continued playing soccer. I was going to make him come to me. I'd be damned if I was going to go to him.
Pretty soon he caught on and called my name. He wanted to know if I wanted to go inside. I told Eugene (the little boy) that Nick wanted to talk to me, but I'd be back to play again later. The boy and I hugged, and I went inside.
Nick apologized, saying that a boy he liked was mad at him because someone spread a rumor that Nick had been "talking shit" about him in a chat room. Oh, did I mention that he had just met this boy on Friday? But they were just going to be friends. And Nick decided he was going to just stay single because there's too much drama.
I kind of nodded an agreement (because I'm pathetic) and we sat down and watched another movie. We didn't really talk much during the movie. His mom made dinner and offered me some. I hadn't eaten all day, so it was nice. After the movie, he suggested another one, but I told him that I brought my PS2 and Marvel vs. Capsom 2, and we could play it if he wanted.
So we did that. I figured we would only play for an hour, but we played for 5. We played until 1:00 in the morning. I don't know what it is, but somehow playing opened him up more. We teased eachother about winning, and rooted eachother on when fighting solo, and we competed for the top score. And it was really great. It was. Afterward, he said he was tired and just plopped down on top of me and pretended to sleep. I wanted to just stay there, but I had to get back to school. So he got up, we hugged and said good-bye. Before I left I told him that we needed to talk. He said ok, and I left to go back to school.
And that's where I am. I don't know what the hell is going on. At all. I have no idea how to deal with it. At all. Nick is one of the few people that I can't read even a little bit. And nothing ever turns out as I expect it to. Not in any way, shape or form. It's insane. I have absolutely no idea where I stand with Nick, or how he feels and thinks about me. And I don't know how to broach the subject. In all likelyhood, he doesn't like me anymore, and am baffled as to why. We would've been dating back in April and May. When I visited him in May, he was all over me for the 45 mintues I actually saw him. And when I visited him in June he said he still really liked me and wanted a serious long-term relationship with me.
And now . . . I don't know. He says he doesn't want to get close to people. He's sick of meaningless relationships, but he's ignoring the one person who's standing in front of him, ready to give up everything just for a chance at something real. Something serious. Something that will last and forever change the both of us for the better. He helped me back in April. I am a stronger person because of it. And now he's going through things and I want to help him to. We can help eachother.
IT feels like he's pushing me away. It really does. Is it because he likes me and he's scared? Is it because he doesn't like me anymore and finds me annoying? What is it? I'd really like to know.
And because of all this insecurity coming from this, I don't know what, if anything to do. I didn't call him today. I figured I would take a day off and let him have some space. It definitely looks like he needs space. But it has been torture. It really has been. All I could think about all day was Nick, and why doesn't he like me, what did I do wrong, what's going on, etc. I have wanted to weep all day long. I tried to sleep just because I didn't want to have to be conscious. And for the first time in a while I actually wanted to hurt myself.
Why? This is insane. I shouldn't be acting like this over one stupid boy whom I don't even know and treats me like shit. Am I just that pathetic? Am I just that much of a loser that I keep falling for what I can't have? And most of all, why can't I have him?
