I don't know what it is, but right now I feel like shit. I just want to curl up and die. Things just seem so . . pointless right now. Like nothing is going anywhere. At all. A lack of hope is not a very good thing. I really hate this. And I hate it even more that I know it's for no reason. Which makes me pissed at myself and makes me feel even moer like shit. Grrrr.
Oh wait, I know exactly what caused it: Nick. You see, I read Steve's comment about how he talked to Nick. And it affected me a lot more than I thought it would. A whole lot more. Guess I wasn't quite as over Nick as I thought I was. And the reintroduction of the fact that he's dating someone hurts more than it did the first time I heard about it. And it just proves once again how much of a hyppocrite he is, and how much he lied to me.
I can't deal with this anymore. I keep falling for assholes. I don't get it. Why can't I forget about him? I was fine until he called me and reminded me that he existed. Goddamnit.
And that emotional blow just kind of snowballed into the general mood of dispair and hopelessness. Once again, it feels like my life is going nowhere. I'm going to get kicked out of school. I'm going to get fired from BK, and I'll be forced to live with my fucking family till I die, lonely and miserable. Because I'm never going to find anyone because I'm so fucking pathetic. God DAMN!
And I don't even have any money left to buy things to make myself feel better. Why? Because I spent it all on online shopping.
Let's focus on something positive, shall we? Online shopping is the greatest thing since . . . I don't know. Probably the greatest thing ever. I mean, as long as you have a credit card, you can buy almost anything. I've bought posters online, and I've ordered kick ass t-shirts, and just today I ordered more posters (Farscape ones; they were on sale) and I bid on e-bay for the entire DVD set of the first season of Farscape. For only $72!!!!!! What a steal! Now I just have to win the bid. There's a little less than a day to go.
But that's not all I found. They have other cool stuff too. Like obscure cds you'd never find in a store in Omaha, like Japanese imports, and a Sarah McLachlan kareoke cd! Sweet! And they have rare books too. I finally found the final chapter in the Star Shards trilogy by Neal Shusterman. And I even found people selling Strange Matter books! They're out of print, so they're very rare, and I can buy the one I was never able to buy in stores for $0.75!!!! THat's amazing!!! And then there are sooooo many other possibilities that I'm just barely scratching the surface of the wonder that is internet shopping. This is the future.
The weekend is quickly approaching. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also dreading it. I have the strangest feeling that it's going to suck really really bad. I mean, I have more free time this weekend than most, but I'm probably going to end up sitting at home doing nothing because no one is going to want to do anything with me.
I need to get drunk real bad.
I need a boy real bad.
Boys, I really need you. Come help me. I just need a cuddle partner. That's all I'm asking for.
