I'm . . . not well. There's something wrong with me and I really need to find out what it is because I'm throwing my life down the toilet.
This weekend I spent Friday evening with a guy I had just met. We had a good time. Some might say we had too good of a time for we didn't fall asleep until after 7:30 saturday morning. As a result, we both slept until 6:30 saturday evening. I completely slept through work. I didn't show up and I didn't call again. To make matters worse, I had taken my parents' car to go visit this boy. And since I didn't return home until Saturday evening, they couldn't use the car all day long.
So, as soon as I got home, I handed my dad my keyes. I didn't expect to keep them after that. I knew I fucked up big time. But they were more pissed that I thought they would be. So, I got a lecture.
I can no longer drive my parent's vehicles. And I am an immature, irresponsible kid who can not be trusted and needs to be watched all the time.
I'd be pissed if it wasn't correct.
I don't know what's wrong with me. There are all these things that I am just throwing away. I'm throwing away a steady job by not showing up. I'm throwing away an education by not showing up to class. I'm throwing away relationships with my family and my friends. Why? Because they aren't important to me.
Why?
Why am I not happy with all of these great things I have going for me? What is so wrong about me that I can't appreciate what I have? It makes me so frustrated and angry with myself. And that just reinforces my depression. I need something to care about. I just don't care. I'm living in a haze. Days run into one another. Everything seems pointless.
Well, not everything.
These past few weeks I have been consumed by a need to find a boyfriend. I have thrown everything else away in the hopes of meeting a guy, or spending time with one. Everything. Why am I doing this? It's not worth it. At least my brain tells me it's not. My heart says the opposite.
I'm thowing my life down the drain because I don't have a boyfriend. How fucking pathetic is that? God damn, I'm dumb.
I just . . . I just want someone to love me. That's all. And I know that I have friends and family that love me, but . . . it's a different kind of love. I need something more than that. I need someone to love me. I don't know how to describe it. But, I feel empty with out it. Like I'm hollow, and that's a large part of why everything seems pointless.
God, I hate this. I have this stupid need that is never going to be fulfilled, and it's causing me to throw everything away and I don't know why, and I don't know what to do about it. Fuck.
God, I need some direction. Badly. If you could just enlighten me a little bit on what the fuck I'm supposed to do, it'd be great.
