So, I once again didn't make it to classes this morning. I'm going to have to do something to get my ass to class. Maybe put a huge sign above my bed, or reward myself everytime I go to class. Or maybe punish myself for not going. But I prefer rewards to punishments.
I think the largest problem right now, or at least a large part of the problem, is my sleep habits. I can't fall asleep before 4:00 in the morning, so I end up sleeping later. I need to make it my goal to at least be in bed by 12:30. Even if I don't fall asleep, I'll be in a better position to do so. Hopefully, I'll train myself to sleep earlier and wake up on time.
But, as a continuation to last night's post.
During my lecture from my mother, she confessed to having listened to one of my phone conversations the previous weekend. She didn't intend to, but she noticed she hadn't hung up the phone like she thought she did, and accidentally heard some things that caused her to worry. This particualr conversation was when I talked to Ira the first time.
My mom said that she couldn't believe I was listening to this kid. He was a huge jerk. She kept expecting me to tell him off at any moment, but I didn't. She said that he kept saying things that she knew I didn't agree with, but I acted like I did. And this really scared me.
Thinking back on the conversation, I honestly can't tell how much of a jerk he was acting like. I could tell he seemed rather arrogant, but I don't remember blindly agreeing with him over everything. Did I really do that? Was I so desperate for him to like me that I tried to be something I'm not? This really, really worries me. And it worried my mom a lot too.
I remember when I hung out with him, he wanted to smoke in his car, and I told him I didn't care. I told him I didn't care!? Where the fuck did that come from? If anyone knows me at all, they know that I oppose smoking anything with every fiber of my being. Smoking is one of the things that made me fall out of love with Scott. How can I be so opposed to smoking when one person does it, but not care when someone else does? That makes me a hypocrite. And it shows me just how much I was willing to sacrifice for this boy.
And that's not right. Not right at all. I was soooo despereate for someone to like me, I through all my convictions out the window and tired to be what I thought they wanted me to be. That's not the way I should be approaching this at all. It's a form of lying, not to mention the fact that if they only like me for who I pretend to be, then they're not worth my time, and I would be unhappy in the long run. And how could I be respected for caving in like that? It just burns me up to know that I was doing that.
I need to be myself. I need to say what's on my mind, even if it pisses someone off. I can't compromise my values just because I'm lonely.
But I also remember that during that evening, I genuinely didn't mind the smoke, and I actually considered joining him for one . . .
That makes me sick to my stomach. I couldn't even tell that I wasn't being myself. I had convinced myself that I was someone I wasn't. Which leads me to wonder exactly who I am. What is my identity? What do I want out of life? What do I value? What do I believe in?
I don't know. I can't answer any of those questions. And it scares me.
Eric 9/29/2003 03:45:00 PM
