I could not fall asleep last night. Images of various scenarious that could take place between Nick and I kept running through my head. They ranged from us passionately making love on my bed to me bashing his face in with my bare hands and having to hide the body.
I have no clue what is going to happen tomorrow. Most of me says that he's going to be a dick and say something about how he's just not interested in me that way any more, yada, yada. But if we go by what I expect him to do, then that won't happen. Because everything he does defies my rational expectations. But if I expect him to defy rational expectations, then he will meet my expectation. However, that, in itself, is an expectation. Now I'm just making my head hurt.
Why do things have to be so difficult?
I'm not even sure what the hell I'm going to say to him. I'm not sure what I should say. He's just too damn unpredictable. Do I start out bashing him for being an asshole, or do I start out by professing my attraction to him? Or do I start out by opening myself up and telling him my life story in the hope that he'll open up to me? I have no idea. I guess it'll just come out, and things will turn out the way theyr'e supposed to.
I've been praying more than usual lately. Mostly for guidance and strength to deal with this situation, but also for Nick to realize that for the first time there's someone who actually cares for him and he should open up his eyes and be grateful. But, like I said before, if its meant to happen, God will let/cause it to happen.
In other news, I went to a Proud Horizons meeting this past Saturday. It's a teen gay support group thingy, and it was pretty cool. There were a surprising amount of people I've met/seen before, and I also met some new friends. Namely, Nate, J.D., and Kane. I hung out with them for a while afterwards, and I had a blast. I dunno, whenever I hang out with a group of gay boys, I feel so . . . comfortable. Its a feeling that I don't get anywhere else. I get it to some extent with Steve, but Steve isn't a boy crazy horny gay boy like I am, so it's different. Steve also isn't multiple people.
I also met another very, very intersting person at the meeting: Ellen, Mackenzie Wiggs' long lost twin. I kid you not. This girl is the same age as Mackenzie, looks the same (except with darker hair, but it could be dyed), sounds the same, acts the same, has the same sense of humor, and even tickles and pokes me and sits on my lap and says I'm cute exactly like Mackenzie. It's craziness. Oh, but Ellen is bi. I'd say it would be cute if she and Mackenzie dated, but it would probably look like incest. You all need to meet this girl. It is the coolest thing, I swear.
But, yeah, so I'm really excited for next week's meeting. I'll probably end up explaining the whole Nick situation to the group, depending on how it goes, of course. And I really can't wait to hang out with my new friends again. They're really cool. At least there's something going on in my life that doesn't suck.
Eric 9/08/2003 11:42:00 PM
