So, I was just in the bathroom, and some guy walked in and used the stall. When he was done, he just walked out of the bathroom. That's it . . . HE DIDN'T FLUSH THE FREAKING TOILET!!!! What a fucking moron! I wanted to scream after him to flush it, but I couldn't bring myself to yell it. God, what an asshole. I mean, how can you not flush a toilet after you go in it. It's the most basic of human courtesies to flush your shit down the toilet. Fucking asshole.
Soooo . . . yeah . . . I'm finally blogging again. I just never got around to it after that last time. You see, I went through a major relapse the other day. It was the first time since March that I've actually wanted to commit suicide again. I even looked to see if I could overdose on the medicine that I have. I don't know for sure, but I'd at least fuck myself up real bad. Steve helped me keep my mind off of it till I could fall asleep. I really needed that. I was getting scared. Why do I have to put myself through this? Why can't I believe that there's anything good about me unless someone else does? Why do I need a relationship to validate myself? It's all a bunch of bull-shit, but knowing that doesn't make it feel any less important.
I'm not going to kill myself over this shit. I'd never forgive myself, let alone anyone else. I have to go with my brain on this instead of my feelings. My feelings are what's fucking everything up. It's time to rely on what I know instead of what I feel. Let's just see if I can do it . . .
In other news, Tabby is rapidly turning into Emily junior. She's been making snippy, bitchy comments lately, and it's really been getting on my nerves. And then, last night she wrote a bitchy message on my board. Complaining how I never came to visit her when A) I never said I would, B) I was hanging out with Amanda for her birthday and wasn't even in Blair, and C) told her that's where I was going to be. Tabby, if you read this, cut it the hell out. You're being a nag like Emily. Just freaking relax. Jesus.
My attendence had improved last week, but it's worse than ever now. I've missed the last three World Civ classes, and I just read an e-mail that Dr. Brewer wants to talk to me. I'm not thinking this is good. I should have learned my lesson last time. Once again, time to follow my brian. I would be missing Physiology except that we don't have it this week anyway. And, well, I've missed the last three chorales too. One I had to skip because I was finishing a physiology test. The next I missed because I just didn't wake up. And the third I missed because, well, I just missed. I really don't have any reason for missing, let alone a good one. I was about to go and then I said "fuck it" and didn't move. I have to go tomorrow. I'm going to have to work out some system to get myself to go to class. Like, if I go to class, then I can buy myself a CD with my next pay check or something. Or I can play an hour of PS2. I dunno, but I have to do something.
The story thing isn't quite coming along as I hoped it would. Mostly b/c I've been relapsing the past few days. But I'm starting to wonder if I should actually write it out, or just plan it and make a game out of it. You know, with RPG Maker 2 or something. I dunno. Writing it out would probably be better and give me more flexibility, but it's just making myself sit down and write it that's the problem.
Oh, and Steve can now kiss my ass. He skipped my show. he knew tonight was the only night he could see it, and he skipped it, claiming he was busy and couldn't plan for it because I didn't tell him when it was. Well, first of all, I did tell him. Second, our shows always start at 7:30. And third, when the hell would he expect it to start? Evening shows start everywhere between 6:30 and 8:30. Any moron can figure on a show starting between then and plan to be ready by 6:30. No, Steve just blew it off because it wasn't important to him. It would've been nice if he had actually said that instead of making me think he was going to be there. He knew how much it meant to me, and he just plain didn't care. Looks like I can't trust Steve anymore. And if I can't trust the person who convinces me not to kill myself, where does that leave me, huh? Not a whole lot farther from where I was the other night. That's where.
Eric 10/09/2003 02:12:00 AM
