Sharon is a smart woman. I should listen to her more often. I mean, I do, but it just takes me a while before I realize how right she is. Crazy how that works. Psychologist actually being right. Go figure.
But yeah, I've been thinking. A lot. Yeah, I know, go figure. But, well, I need to get this off my chest. I really do, but I'm too much of a pussy to do it to the one person that I need to. Hence, it's going here because I know he reads this. And before hand, I apologize for being too weak to say this to your face, but it needs to be said and this is the only way I can do it.
I'm sorry I've been frustrating you lately. I really am. I just . . . have done a lot of things in my past that I'm ashamed of. They were things I didn't do intentionally, but I did them nevertheless. And, if anything, I'd like to say I'd learned from those horrible mistakes. Now, I can see the same thing happening here, and I need to stop it before it goes too far. It's better for both of this that I get this out in the open.
I like you. I really do. But I do not think that I like you as much as you like me, and it makes me feel . . . burdened, I guess. This same thing happened two years ago. SOmeone liked me, and I felt that I had to like them back, so I tried to force myself, and I just ended up screwing us both over. I know I've told you that story before, and I've told you that I'm worried that this situation is turning into that, but you've just shrugged it off and dismissed it. I'm telling you, this IS the same situation.
You described that you have "butterflies" for me. But I don't have those for you. Not right now. I like you. I do. I like you, but that is all it is right now. If I try and force myself to make me feel anything more than that . . . I'm going to fuck this up. It's going to happen. I need time. I need to take things slowly. It needs to come on it's own if it's going to come at all.
You tell me how much you like me, and you tell me how great I am, but, you see, I just don't see it. I don't know why you think so much of me after only being around me a few times. I honestly feel like I'm just beginning to scratch the surface on getting to know you, and that you are barely scracthing the surface of me. I'm not perfect. By any means. I have a dark side. I do bad things. I'm not always a nice guy. I try to be, but sometimes . . . I fail.
I don't want to be worshipped, especially for something I'm not. I want a relationship where I am on an even standing with the other person. I don't want to be above them or below them, but on the same level. And I feel like I'm being put on a false pedastal. It makes me feel bad. It makes me feel guilty. Like I'm decieving you. I don't want to do that. I want you to like me for ME. Not some false image of me. And I want to like you for you. But my heart has been toyed with and stamped on too many times in my life recently. I don't know what's wrong, but it seems to think differently from my mind, and even from my crotch. Right now, it's not saying a whole lot. My mind is saying, "Yay! Got ourselves a winner!". My crotch is saying, "Yes, we certainly do!". But my heart is remaining eerily silent. I don't know why. I can't make it do what I want. I never have been able to. Maybe it's broken, or it's hiding, not willing to be hurt again. I don't know. But wither way, it's not giving me "butterflies". And I can't force it. And I can't listen to my mind and crotch until my heart gives the "go ahead" because without it, it would be meaningless and would hurt us both more than anything else. I won't do that to you. I can't. I understand where you've been and I refuse to contribute to that. I won't. I want to be there for you, I really do. I want to be there for you as much as I can, and I want to help you, but I do not want to hurt you. Above everything, I do not want that. I would rather hurt myself again than hurt you.
So, what am I saying? Yeah, it's hard for even me to say, but . . . shit. I feel guilty for being a boyfriend that doesn't put out. I really do. I'm just not ready for anything physical yet. Not emotionally. It's so hard to explain. But when I can do physical things and actually have the feelings to back them up, you will be the first to know. And I know I flirt. A lot. But, you see, I do that all the time. I flirt with all of my female friends, I flirt with my good male friends. I even flirted with Allen to the point where it drove him nuts. I just do that. I'm sorry if it makes you . . honry or whatever. I'll working on stopping it if you want me to. I'm just sorry that you're being unfulfilled, which is what I'm sensing you are. I just really am confused about the whole thing.
