Ironic, huh? I suppose it fits, seeing as how I slept from 5-11. I thought I was tired, but I tried going to sleep, and just kinda woke up. At this point, I'm wide awake, and don't see any chance of falling asleep anytime soon. Besides, laying down and trying to sleep just lets my mind wander all over the various . . . I dunno . . . issues lately. And I figured that since I'm going to be thinking about them, I might as well blog about them to try and set them straight.
For the longest time, I've had the feeling in the back of my mind that I'm just not going to find the person I'm supposed to end up with here in Nebraska. I don't know what prompted it, but it's always been there, in the back of my head. So far, it's turned out to be pretty true, but I guess I do have at least another 2 or so years in this state that might prove me wrong, but at times like this, it looks doubtful.
For the past year, I have been consumed by this need to have a boyfriend. I couldn't really tell you why, I just have felt a need that I've been assuming a boyfriend would fill. I couldn't even tell you exactly what I'm looking for in a relationship, because, well, I'm really not sure. I mean, ideally, I want someone to love and to love me back, but there's more to it than that, isn't there? I'm assuming there is, but in all actuality, I'm not really sure. Mostly because I really don't think I've had an actual boyfriend yet.
I guess technically, I've had two boyfriends, Mike when I was still in high school, and Jacob recently. But . . . well . . . they didn't feel like boyfriends, I guess. It's hard to explain. It just didn't feel the way I expected a relationship to feel. I think it mostly had to do with my specific feelings for them.
Now, I know that I've been in love before. It's happened on two seperate occasions. The first was when I was a sophomore in high school with Wade. And that was a very . . . first love-ish love. It was immature and new and undeveloped, but I still consider it love, no matter the circumstances surrounding it. It wasn't my "true love" or anything as grand as that, but it was my first love, and as such holds a special place in my memory.
The second time, of course, was with my friend Scott. It lasted considerably longer than the first, and I got to know Scott a whole lot better than I ever knew Wade. It was a more . . . adult kind of love, I guess I could say. And after 2 years of struggling with it, I eventually succeeded it making if go away.
Tragic that the only times I've ever really felt love for someone, I've had to force it to go away to save my sanity.
But anyway, other than these two occassions, the most I've ever felt for another guy was . . . a crush, I guess. A littile infatuations, but nothing serious. And even the people that I had crushes on never led to actual relationships and also had to be combated to retain my sanity.
And after we discount that, it leaves me with . . . what? Well, that's a good question, and one I'm not sure I know how to answer. But I'm certainly going to try.
For some reason, whenever I meet a guy online . . . its almost as if . . . I have to date them. Like, "it's a gay boy, so I have to date them and if I don't, then I'm never going to find anyone." And no matter how much I know that I feel like that, it doesn't make the feeling go away anymore. As a result, I've gotten into a few realationships that I wasn't really able to deal with. Several of these come to mind: Mike, Seth, Dave, Alex, and most recently, Jacob. In each of these cases, I jumped into something just because I was so excited to finally find someone who actually saw something in me, and I never really looked to see if I saw something in them. It was all, "Yay! Acceptance!" and that was that.
And, in each case it just wasn't enough. After a few weeks with the person, I'd start to realize that maybe this wasn't going to work out, and maybe we didn't have that much in common, etc. And they all fell apart. I mean, I kinda lost interest and wasn't really able to hold up my end of the relationship, I guess.
There are other people I've met online, but haven't dated, but that doesn't mean that something similar hasn't happened with them. As I've said, I have this irrational compulsion to date the guys I meet online. And lately, the people I've been meeting have been finding boyfriends and it's been upsetting me to a great extent. The two main exapmles of this are JohnCarl and Matt. Both are nice guys that I've gotten a long with really well so far, but I've recently found out they're dating people and I've been absolutely crushed. I mean, realistically, I probably couldn't date either of them, and I have no claims on them whatsoever, so my feelings of jealousy and betrayal are completely unfounded.
And sorting through this makes me realize that the only times I actually develop feelings for someone, or develop legitimate attractions for them, are if I meet them in person. It just sounds ridiculous to me, but every person I've had feelings for, I met in person before even knowing if they were gay or not. (Which may be one reason why most of those boys happened to be striaght, but that's besides the point)
And then we get to Allen, the, well, hybrid of the two groups I would say, and probably the most interesting and complicated relationship I've had with anyone so far. I had heard about Allen through my friend Khay, but never actually met him until I met him in person at Khay's graduation party. Wait, scratch that, I met him online for a brief conversation and the next time I talked to him was when we met at Khay's party.
Anyway, recently getting back in touch with Allen has really made me miss him, I guess. And now I find out that he kinda has a boyfriend, and I feel these same feelings of jealousy that I have with other people and I'm just not sure what to think about it.
I really feel that Allen and I grew really close the sumer that I met him, and I came to like him, a lot. I don't know what it was, it just felt like we clicked or something. During the summer I found out he liked me, and I wasn't sure what to do about it. I mean, I liked him too, but was it something that I could base a relationship off of? At the time, no, it wasn't. I was still subconsciously hung up on Scott, but at the time I didn't know that, and drug Allen along because of it.
Fuck, now I'm rambling. I soooo had a point, but I'm sooo losing it.
When Allen and I had our falling out, I was beyond crushed. I remember calling Bethany on the phone bawling about the whole thing. I just sobbed and sobbed, and I haven't cried that hard in a long time. Hell, I don't even think I cried that hard over Scott. The whole thing literally bothered me for months and months. I would think about him all the time, and find my self just wanting to spend time with him again, but afraid at the same time. He said a lot of things that hurt me, and that I just didn't understand at the time. I suppose a lot of them were true, but I didn't understand it at the time, and I thought that he just turned on me and I was so confused that I didn't know what to believe, or even if he was the person that I thought he was. Finally, almost a year after we met, we talked again, and I apologized because I finally realized all the wrongs that I did to him, and it seemed like things were ok again.
But both of us were really busy and we didn't get much of a chance to talk. Until now.
And now I just find myself really, really, really wanting to be with him again. Just be around him and catch up and hang out or whatever. It's just this intense need that I have to see him again.
Does this mean anything? I don't know. Do I really have feelings for Allen after all this time? I don't know. Right now I just . . . want to see him . . . and see what happens. I mean, I'm sure we've both changed a lot in the past year and a half. Maybe all these sudden emotions are directed towards an Allen in the past that he isn't anymore. Who knows? But I certainly won't find out if I never see him.
So, where does this leave me? Shit, I don't even know that. I'm just struggling to find some way to make myself happy. Not being in love, even if it is with a boy that can't/won't return the feelings leaves me feeling . . . really empty inside. And I have this need to fill it with something, but love doesn't just appear and dissappear when you want it to. Maybe that's why I'm suddenly having this inane desire to have a boyfriend. To fill that gaping hole Scott, then Nick left.
But like I said before, my soulmate isn't going to be found in Nebraska, so that void isn't going to be filled anytime soon. I've got to find some other way to do that. And friends can help to an extent, and so can escapism through videogames and books, but they can't last forever. Do I fill it with God, like Emily is always telling me? I don't think so. God has his own place in my heart, and that's not the space that needs to be filled.
