Far too long. But, you see, I've been quite occupied with Final Fantasy XI. That game is more amazing the more I play with it. Player interaction is simply amazing. I have sooooo many hilarious stories about stuff that goes on, and it all happens because you play with other people. So much fun. I'd relate stories here, but I'd be on forever. Hehe . . . white mage raping . . . LOL.
Anyway, I went to see the Return of the King tonight, and I must say that that is one of the greatest movies I have ever seen. I honestly can't imagine how they could've made it better. Even if they stuck in the Shire invasion, it would've seemed tacked on and too much for the movie. I was moved countless times through out the 3 and a half hours. I got shivers from awe all throughout the movie. It's the only movie that has ever moveed me to both tears of sadness and tears of happiness. Beautiful movie. I can't describe it as anything else.
In other news, Jacob told me a little story today that makes me quite . . . suspect about him. Yes, I know he's reading this, but I refuse to censor myself, so here are my true thoughts on Jacob's "adventure" the other day. I'm jealous. Extremely jealous. Insanely jealous. But why exatly am I jealous? Not because I want Jacob. I'm jealous because he can do things like that. That he can go off and have "Adventures". That he can have friends tht take him to strip nights. That he's more accepted in the gay community than I am. I am an outcast. A total outcast in nebraska's gay community, and it is VERY difficult, emotionally. I mean, if I don't fit in with other gay guys, where the fuck can I fit in? GRRRR. It irritates me to know end. Why can't I go off and have "adventures" and not care about it? Why don't people want me to have "adventures" with them. Oh yeah, b/c I'm an outcast. I forgot. How stupid of me.
My fucking conscience needs to fucking die. Just die and let me be happy for once. GOD! Let me be a fucking slut and not give a damn about other people. Let me just worry about myself and make myself happy, huh? What's wrong with that? Why can't I be an asshole like the other 99% of the population!?
But why do I want to be an asshole? What does that say about me that I want to be a bad person because it's easier? Am I an asshole simply b/c I want to be one? Fuck, no. I'm just frustrated as hell. I don't even want to be an asshole. I want to want to be an asshole. Or rather, I want to want to want to want to want to be an asshole, if that makes any sense. Ok, one more try: I'm sick of being shit, and I'm sick of always doing what I think is right and being miserable b/c of it, and when I try to do something simply for my own benefit, I kill myself with the guilt of it.
Soooooo, yeah . . . I'm in all kinds of frustration. And I have no idea what I want to do about it. Or even what I should do about it. Looks like I just be miserable and wait this shit out till I leave nebraska. You can't make people like you.
Eric 12/18/2003 02:38:00 AM
