Had my first day of classes today. It went fairly well, especially since I only had three classes, and of those three, two were voices and chorale, so they don't really count. So, one class on Mondays and Wednesdays. It'll be a nice change of pace. Tomorrow is my big day. Only three classes, but each class is an hour and a half, and they're all back to back: Genetics, American Lit II, and understanding Film. Oh, and in a few weeks I'll have LARP in the mornings before then. So, tomorrow's going to be my busiest day. Not a bad schedule. I think I should be able to handle it.
So yeah, I really need to work my ass off this semester to make up for the last one. And I'm working on it. I"m going to start going to bed earlier and getting up earlier. I plan on going to bed right after I finish this, actually. It'll be difficult for the first week or so, but I'll just turn on the PS2 or FF XI when I get tired during the day so I don't take naps to screw up my schedule.
Sharon says I have a problem with motivation. I think she's right. I've actually been wondering lately whether its really the depression that takes away my motivation, or if I'm just a lazy person. I mean, my whole life, I can never really recall actually working for something. Really giving something my all, and trying for it. Everything I do, everything I participate in is stuff that just comes natually to me. Soccer and band came naturally to me when I was younger, but when my natural talent was surpassed by people who actually worked, I got discouraged and quit. I probably could have succeeded like everyone else if I worked like they did, but I just . . . didn't want to.
And now in choir and science, and even acting here at school I'm hitting another roadblock. My natural talent isn't cutting it anymore. My science grades are slipping b/c I don't study. I never had to before, but now I do, and my grades are slipping because of it. In choir, I'm still decent, but I"m not the best by any means, and whenever I've taken voice lessons, I haven't put in any practice outside of the actual lesson at all. And as a result, anything accomplished wasn't permanent, and I really don't feel like I've grown much as a solo singer.
Then we get to acting, probably one of my stronger natural talents. I haven't really worked at that either. I don't sit down with my script and rehearse by myself like other people do. I just get up and do it all in rehearsal. Hell, I memorize lines at rehearsal. Now how am I going to get into grad school and be a professional actor if I don't work at it? I'm not, that's how. And now I have an audition two days from now. An audition that could mean a whole lot if I make it. It'd be my foothold in the omaha theater community. People from all over nebraska, and actors and theater people from all over the country will watch me, and act with me, and it could lead to hundreds of other opportunities. It's a big thing, and I have yet to really start preparing for my audition.
Now, maybe the depression makes my motivation worse than it already is, but I'm really starting to think that this motivation thing is my main handicap. It's my main fault, and I'm never going to be very successful until I overcome it. I suppose the first step to overcoming a problem is to recognize it. And, well, I've recognized it. I just hope I can find the motivation to find motivation . . . what a shitty paradox that is . . .
