Well, this past week seems to have improved everyday, despite the fact that I never had time to play FFXI. I've had a talk with someone who knocked some sense into me, and I've been looking at things very differently. Well, maybe not VERY differently, but differently nonetheless.
You see, one of that things that I've been planning to blog about is the apperant lack of readers of this blog. According to my little tally thing, someone is reading it, but I've been getting very little feedback lately, most noticable from the people I expect to read this the most: my friends. And well, absolutely none of them have been reading it lately for none of them had any idea of the past week's occurences, which further added to my feelings of loneliness and abandonment.
And most of all, this blog is no longer linked from Liz's blog. Why? All her other friends' blogs are linked on her site. Am I not her friend that I don't get a link there? It used to be up, but now it isn't, so it would've had to be purposely moved. Why? Did I make her angry? AM I no longer considered by her to be a friend? I don't know. I can't really know. All I can do is assume.
And after wondering why the hell no one reads, I was told that I create drama. That I thrive on it, that I can't live without it, and that I throw all of it up here, and for someone to come and read my whinings time and time again is very emotionally draining . . .
So, I thought about it, and yeah, I guess I do throw all my crap up here. But the thing is, this is one of the few places I throw my crap, all my frustrations, and fears, etc. I don't go around and toss all this on the people around me, b/c I don't want to burden them with it and piss them off. I only tell people if they ask. And so, I guess I've kind of used this blog as a place to vent and get stuff off my chest, and if people are willing to let me confess to them, they come here and read it. Or, of course, ask me themselves.
So, I guess people haven't been reading b/c they simply are emotionally drained and just don't want to have to worry about me and my crap, right? After all, the last time I remember Liz actually having left a message, it was to condemn me for being negative. So, she probably just hasn't read anything since b/c my negativity, or so she calls it, bothers her. Which could also be a reason for my lack of linkage on her own blog.
And this in turn leads to whole other trains of thought. If they don't want to be bothered, are they really my friends, etc. and I'm sure you can follow all the other negative lines of thinking. But, I'm trying to look at stuff differently. I don't think I've been COMPLETELY negative and whiny in this blog. Granted, there may be more instances of me being frustrated, but, damnit, I'm clinically depressed, and if this is my of not feeling so bad about things, that's probably the case.
I try and put good things up here too. Like, little things I learn about myself, good things that happen. I genuinely try to put these up here so its not ALL gloomy. But this is from the point of view from a depressed individual, so things don't look as bright and cheery as they do to most people. I guess Liz just doesn't understand that. Hell, she'll probably never even read this to know what I think.
And I'm currently late to chorale. Shit. I'll finish my thoughts later.
Eric 2/20/2004 05:00:00 PM
