I've done it twice in the past two days. And I mean, REALLY pissing people off. Well, two people in particular. To the point where I'm really not sure where our relationships stand anymore. It's not like I set out to piss them off. Hell, they pissed me off first, but did I take things too far, or did they just over-react?
Case number one: Jacob. Ever since he broke up with me because I wouldn't put out (and yes, he admitted that) he's been telling me every single time he's gone out and messed around with another guy. Why? That's a good question, because I would really not care to know. And every time he does tell me, it makes me feel like shit, which I have blogged about several times on this very page. Yet he continued to do so. Well, it so happens that this week I was talking to Tony. Yes, the same Tony that I met back in September, and I went over to his dorm and spent the night. Now, I'm not going to go into my feelings of that particular event. That'll have to wait for another time. Anyway, I had some fun, just like Jacob had done. Only once, instead of 4 times. Well, I was fully intending to keep this little adventure to myself. Well, at least from Jacob, but then he IM's me the next day declaring how he wants to fool around, and I just kinda snapped, I guess.
I don't have the exact conversation, but I'll try to give the gist of it. I told him how I had decided to try doing things from his point of view and that I found it abundantly easy to find random sex partners online. I had even spent the night at UNO the previous night, and had multiple people lined up for previous "Adventures", which I listed. I told him how much fun I was having and how I wished I had taken his advice sooner. Basically, I had implied that I was going, and had started, to sleep with every gay man in nebraska I could get my hands, or other things, on. To this he had various expressions of "Are you fucking serious?", etc.
So I asked him what the problem was. Why did it matter? I mean, sex is only about physical pleasure and there's no connection between sex and emotion. He said the same thing to me a week or so earlier. Well, he just got all defensive and I honestly don't remember exactly what his defense was, but I figured my lie had gone far enough, and I told him the truth: that I made it all up. Well, not all of it. I told him that I didn't make up the part about UNO.
Basically, he was hurt to hear that I was sleeping with other people. I tried to explain to him that that's how I felt whenever he'd brag to me about his conquests. He didn't seem to understand. He declared that I only slept with Tony to get back at him and that I didn't like Jacob anymore and that I was gonna run off with Tony, and how I'm an asshole yada yada yada. Not his exact words, mind you, but it's late, and this was yesterday, so my memory is fuzzy. Anyway, my entire goal out of the thing was to get him to understand what I felt when he tells me all about his sex-life. Apperantly I succeeded in that too well. The thing is, he doesn't understand that I feel it. He only understands that he feels it. So, he's all pissed and I haven't talked to him since.
Don't you love how I start out in all kinds of detail and then I get tired and just kinda crap out on the story just when it gets interesting?
Anyway, Case number two: Bobby. I have known Bobby for about 6 months now. Give or take a week or two. Ever since I met the kid, I've thought he was a cool guy. Right after we met, Jason told me he was inquiring about my availability (as in, did I have a boyfriend or not), and while I wasn't really interested in more than just a friendship with him, I felt like he would be a worthwhile friend. Well, after a little FFX debate, during which he blew up because he couldn't back up his opinions with any solid facts, we didn't talk for a while because he assumed that I hated him. Well, after a while, we eventually started talking again. I mean, I forgot about his closed-minded stubbornness a few days after the incident. But ever since, all I ever heard from people was that he thought I didn't like him. There was a point where I invited him to come with me to go see Millard North's Winter play. I figured since I was inviting him, and he didn't know anyone who went to school there, that I would pay for his ticket to be nice. Besides, I got the tickets half off, so its not like it broke my wallet. Afterwards, we went with Steve to Village Inn where I paid for his shake, once again, to be NICE. Hell, I ended up drinking half the shake myself because he claimed to be full.
Anyway, from then on, I saw very little of him. Then I learned that he was going on the Oregon road trip, and I was excited because I figured I'd finally be able to spend time with the kid and get to know him better . . . boy was I wrong. I found out last week that he wasn't sure if he wanted to go on the trip because I was going . . .
Well, this confused the hell out of me. All I'd ever done was go out of my way to be nice to the kid and he STILL thinks that I don't like him. Well, I found this out when I was drunk, so in a drunken stupor, I call him up and try to explain to him in the best way my drunken brain could come up with that I didn't hate him. That I did, in fact, like him as a friend.
I told him I would make out with him.
Now, ok, that may seem odd, until you know me and know why I said it. You see, when I'm drunk, I make out with almost anything. I make out with women when I'm drunk. Well, my female friends that is. I make out with my gay friends. I've even made out with a straight boy whenI was drunk. When I'm drunk, making out with someone is like giving them a hug. Yeah, this sounds odd, but it just seems to make perfect sense when I'm intoxicated. I told him I was willing to make out with him because I figured that he'd heard about my drunken Grease cast party and realize, "Hey, if he's willing to make-out with me, then maybe that means he dosen't hate me."
Well, I explained this to him, and over the phone he seemed to find it amusing, even chuckling at me. So, I figured, hey, I made him laugh, he understands I don't hate him, everything is good, right? Wrong. I find out 10 minutes later that he was creeped out and I scared him . . .
So, I called him back and tried to explain to him that I didn't want to have sex with him or rape him or cross any boundaries, I was just trying to show him that I didn't hate him, etc. I asked him if he understood. He said yes. I asked him if everything was ok. He said yes. I asked him if he was sure. He said yes, everything was fine. So, I hung up thinking I had finally made some progress with the boy.
And then I find out that he left UNO the following night simply because I was coming and he didn't want to be around me. WHAT THE FUCK!? Now he was claiming that he thought I liked him too much . . . I mean, is he trying to come up with reasons to dislike me? Seriously. He claimed that paying for him meant we went on a date. Sorry if being nice to someone and paying for a mealy fucking shake is a problem. He claims I hit on him. I HIT ON EVERYBODY!!!! COME ON!!!! I tease and flirt with people I'm comfortable around as a way of showing that I like them AS FRIENDS. And not to mention that avoiding me is hardly the way to handle a situation such as this. A grown up would you know, try and talk things out. To clear up the misunderstanding (like I tried to do multiple times) instead of being rude and avoiding all contact.
His whole handling of the situation was childish and stupid. And I called him on it. I asked him if what I had been told was true. He said it was. So that set me off a little. Ok, a lot. I've done everything I can think of to show this kid that I don't hate him. And when I finally show him I don't hate him, I'm too nice. To nice to be in the same building as, apperantly. That is bull-shit. That is childish bull-shit, and I told him as much. Of course he was offended, and I told him he wasn't worth all the shit he was putting me through.
Haven't talked to him since.
Now, in both of these cases I went a little far. I admit it. But I was just so frustrated with these people that I just snapped. I'm to the point where I don't even know if it would be best to actually salvage these relationships. Is it just time to cut my losses, or what? I don't freaking know. Right now I'm still just pissed, and I'm not really in a frame of mind to actually be nice to these people. With Jacob, he needs to realize that he's at fault too. And with Bobbby, I've already tried with the boy and there's nothing I can do to make someone like me when they get it into their head that they don't.
