I've been thinking about it a lot lately. What I'm going to do, how I'm going to do it, what's going to happen to me. After next year . . . I have NO idea what's going to happen. At all. It's this big void, like everything just stops after college . . . It's kinda scary. I've felt like this in the past; after I graduated from High School, and everything turned out just fine then. It'll probably be the same way after college. I'll just get along and do something. It feels like it'll be different, but I don't know.
So many things are about to change. Even more so than when I was in high school. My life is almost completely turned upside-down since Millard North. Everyone I was such good friends with to the point where they were like family is all but gone now. We've all gone out seperate ways and the brief contact I've had with them the past few years has been . . . well, awkward would be an understatement.
On the other hand, I feel closer to my family than ever before. With all my siblings growing up, I've been shocked to discover that they actually have personalities of their own! They're not just small children running around crying. Well, only one of my five siblings is in elementary school. Kelly goes to school with me, Corie will be graduating and most likely coming to school with me. Molly's in high school, and Joel's in middle school. It's crazy. I remember being in 6th grade. And my little brother is there now! It's just odd. It makes me feel old.
And even though I'm closer to my family than ever before, it looks like I won't even have a family by the end of the summer. Its still up in the air I guess. There's a lot of deciet going on between my parents, and the outcome doesn't look pretty. I'm worried for my brothers and sisters. What will they do if my parents have to sell the house? Where will they live? Where will they go to school? When I went to college, I always knew that I could come home. Right now, it's looking like I won't have a home to come back to by August . . .
But I'm trying not to think about it. Right now I'm struggling with money as much as my parents are. And I don't have 8 people to support. I've gone over board on e-bay with my credit card, and now my payments are through the roof. I just got paid on Monday, and all the money is now gone. Either to pay my bill or given to my parents so they'll have gas to get people to school and work and things. Hell, I can't even go out and have fun with the friends I still have b/c I have to mooch of them; for rides and for varous admission prices. It makes me feel horrible. And the more I can't hang out with them, the more distant our relationships grow until they're just like all the other friends from high school that have moved on and grown apart. It happened this past winter, and it'll happen this summer too. I know. And there's nothing I can do about it.
So I've been hiding this past week. In my PlayStation. Pouring my attention into Kartia and FFXI. I've really nothing else to do but clean the house, and that is so tedious I have nothing else to do but think about all the shit that has and is about to happen. But now even FFXI is starting to be unsatisfying. I dunno. I need to get out. Do things. See people. Oh yeah, I'm poor . . .
I'm scared. I think I'm shallow. I go to the movies, I go to the mall, and I see all these attractive people, and I think to myself, "Damn, I wanna fuck that." I feel like I've become so preoccupied with looks lately. I want a hot boy. I want a boy I'm so attracted to I want to fuck everyday. I mean, I'm 20, I'm supposed to do that, right? I'm supposed to have this amazing libido, right? But it just feels so . . . shallow. I mean, there should be more. I know. But everywhere I look, I see beautiful people and I want them. I want to be one of them. I want to be pretty, and I want a pretty boy that is actually nice and I can fall in love with and then I'll be an actor, and he'll be a doctor, and we'll be rich and never have money problems, and then I'll have enough money to solve my family's problems, and my friend's problems and well all live happily ever after. That's all I want. That's not too much to ask, right?
I talked with Sharon about my issues with physical appearance. I mean, pysical attraction HAS to be apart of a romantic relationship. After all, what's the difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship? Being physically attracted to the other person, right? I mean, that's why I'm gay: I find men physically more attractive than girls. That doesn't make me shallow does it? B/c then EVERYONE is shallow! I just hate when my lack of physical attraction keeps me from being able to pursue relationships with really good people. I HATE it. I wish I could just turn on a little switch to make me attracted to someone. Like a Cupid switch.
And then how can I go around wishing for prince charming when I'm fucking overweight. I'm not fat, but I am officially overweight. I weigh 190. Everyone can say what they want about how I don't need to lose weight, but I do. I can't weigh 190 and expect to get a hot boy. I look like I'm fucking pregnant unless I suck my stomach in. My arms are scrawny. I'm just . . . not good-looking. At all. I need to go to the gym. I need to go on a diet. I need to exercise. I need to do a lot of things.
I can't live like this. I can't be worse than everyone else. I can't stand it. I should be better. I'm not good enough unless I'm better than other people. I should be, damnit! I should be better, and people should look up to me! But they don't because I'm not.
MY GOD! I NEED TO TAKE MY MEDICINE!! That's most likely the source of all this self-depricating whining. But if I take my medicine, then none of this will bother me, right? And if I'm not bothered by it, I won't want to change it, right? And shouldn't I change it? Shouldn't I change my lifestyle and be healthier? Shouldn't I strive to be a better person? I just don't know. Things are too complicated. It's late, and I need to be up in 5 hours to go to work for 7 and then go to a wedding with Tabby. And because no one told me, I will be unable to go to Liz and Brooke's graduation parties. So, I'm sorry. If I had known when they were, I'd have told Tabby no. But then again, if I was really wanted to be there, I would've been told, right?
