There are so many thoughts spinning through my head right now, it's difficult to seperate them. Swirling, and twisting, and combining, and fluctuating, it's . . . hectic. Difficult to describe. My brain is definitely on overload here, so bear with me. This may seem like a totally random post, but that's because everything seems so disjointed now, that I have no idea if I can make it make sense.
I'm listening to Surfacing right now. On the way back to my dorm, all these random thoughts just seem to scream Sarah Time. Honestly, I'd rather be listening to Fumbling Towards Ecstacy, but that was one of the CDs lost on the Oregon trip. Surfacing works pretty well too. Actually, I think it works better now that I think about it . . .
Went to see Boogie Nights at Dundee tonight. I hadn't actually seen the movie in its entirety before. I must say, that it is an excellent movie on multiple levels, and its what actually started getting all these things spinning in my head. And for the record, the dick in the final scene looks much more fake than I remember. *shrug*
Turns out the person falsely accused of marijuana possession wasn't so falsely accused. I've heard from several sources that this individual actually intended on smoking right before they were caught, and is now trying to deny it all to save face. I'm not so mad at Tregan, I just pity him. He's a good guy underneath all the crap he does. And I think he does it because he needs someone or something. I honestly think if there was someone who showed him that they really cared, that he wouldn't be in most of the trouble he's in. It's really sad when good people do bad things because of loneliness.
I kissed Scott last night. No, not like that. I started a half-ass game of spin the bottle. Katrina had never played. So I took an empty Sky Blue bottle and spun it. It landed on Scott. I didn't expect him to do anything. I mean, he wasn't even officially playing. I just jokingly suggested that he had to comply. And he did. He smiled and rolled his eyes and told me to "come here". And for a brief fraction of a second, our lips touched. And then he pulled away. And that was that. The thing I had been waiting for more than two years for, and it was over and done in less than a second. It wasn't some grand event. There was no electricity flowing between us. Heck, I think I would've felt the same thing if he put his finger on my lips and then took it away. It was very . . . anti-climactic. Did I expect it to be something else? Did I expect something magical? I think I did, once upon a time. But it didn't happen. Is it because I've moved on? Have I moved on? I think I have. But I thought I had moved on after my freshman year too, and as we all know, things hadn't even really gotten bad then. It's funny how it was such a meaningless fraction of a second, but I have been constantly reminding myself that I'm OVER him that he's not WORTH it that NO!! BAD IDEA!!! DON'T DO IT!!! DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE LET YOURSELF FEEL AGAIN!!!!!!!! I think I've succeeded in preeventing myself from feeling anything. But what does that mean? Am I really trying to hold something back? IS there really nothing there to hold back?
Scott and KAtrina's one year anniversary is coming up soon. They've been dating for a year. It was a year ago that they started dating. I remember how that day seemed like the end of the world. It wasn't. Life went on. Katrina keeps complaining how Scott doesn't give her enough attention, how he acts like he doesn't care. I don't know what to make of that.
It was also a year ago that I attempted suicide over that boy. If I had succeeded, I wouldn't be here today. Everything that has happened in the past year would never have come to pass. I never would've met Nick. I never would've been to Europe. I never would've met all the new freshman here at Dana. I never would've fucked up my grades. I never would've done a lot of things. Just what would it be like today, if I had succeeded in killing myself last March? Would the world be a better place? Would it be worse? Would it even matter in the grand scheme of things? Who knows? But driving back here tonight, looking up at the moon, I realized that every day I've experienced since is . . . sorry to be cliche, but a gift. Something that very nearly never would have come to pass. All because Scott made me throw up those pills. Now, do I owe him a debt of gratitude for doing that for me, or do I hold a grudge for him unintentionally driving me to that point in the first place. Things are so complicated.
I had a conversation with Scott last night. We were walking back from the cast party. He went to talk to Doc about talking Advanced Acting next year. Doc shot him down saying he didn't think Scott had what it takes, saying Scott didn't have the experience, and wouldn't be able to do it. That really bothered me. I remember Freshman year, at auditions to the very first play, that when Scott went up to audition. This incredibly attractive stranger whome I had yet to meet, worried me. He worried me because he was the only guy there who actually had talent. Nate, Chris, Dan, all the other guys who auditioned . . . were nothing. I figured I had a part in the bag. Except for this stranger. Scott. In acting class that year, I was consistently impressed with his abilities, and I was dumbfounded when he didn't make shows again and again. Scott loves theater. I can tell. I can see it in his eyes. When I told him I had decided to pursue a carreer in acting after Dana, I could see that he was jealous. He wanted it too, but he was scared. He was scared that he wouldn't be able to do it, probably because he's never had any encouragement. Scott told me the other day that he was going to take a 5th year at Dana. Add a psychology major, and stay to wrestle another year. That's what he told me. But is that really why? I don't think so. He was holding something back. Is he staying an extra year so he can graduate with Katrina? Are they going to live together and get married? Hell if I know. Is he staying an extra year to actually take the classes he wants, to take a major he's interested in instead of the bio/premed major that he feels society expects of him? He love psychology. He's told me so. He loves theater. He said he wants to take more theater classes. I just . .. don't know . . . that boy is too complicated.
Maybe I just can't read him at all, and I'm just pulling stuff out of my ass. Pulling stuff out of my ass that I want to believe so badly that I convince myself its true unconsiously.
And suddenly all my random thoughts flowing through my head have finally focused . . . on Scott. Why is that? What does it mean? I don't have a fucking clue. But it scares me. And worries me. I don't want to go down that road again. You'd think I'd learn . . .
I'm not going to let this happen. Back to the other things that were running through my head:
Full Moons are absolutely gorgeous.
Amanda is getting married. She was proposed to by Ryan tonight. And she said yes. I want to be happy for her. I want her to be happy. Is this the best for her? Especially considering all the problems those two have been having recently . . . I want to be supportive, but I want her to really think and decide if this is what she REALLY wants.
What's with all these people getting married? All these people in relationships? It just seems so crazy. Like it shouldn't be happening. I was jealous of them once upon a time. I wondered why that couldn't be me. Well, I realize now that it probably could be me, but unknown things keep holding me back from opening up to people. What the hell are they? I'd really like to know. Is it just fear? Is it insecurity? Or is it what this post has turned into . . . a post about Scott?
And I don't even know if I want that question to be answered.
Eric 5/02/2004 04:17:00 AM
