Just so everyone is forewarned and knows what they're getting into here.
Yeah, so Mara and Anthony's wedding was on Saturday. Due to complications of which I'm mostly at fault, I missed the wedding, but made it RIGHT on time for the reception, which was the most awesome reception ever. It was the perfect reception, the kind you dream about. Mara and Anthony just looked so . . . perfect together. I've never really understood how well they fit together until I saw them at their reception. They were in their own little world with eachother. It was so adorable I almost cried. Well, happy tears, you know. And also because I'm going to miss Mara sooooo much. Thank god Emily's not going far away.
Anyway, all these weddings lately, they've made me want my own wedding. A LOT. Hell, I've been thinking of who I'd want in it, where I'd want it, what songs to play (Definitely I Love You by Sarah) and even what cake.
I've already talked about how I don't think I'm going to find my soul mate here in Nebraska, but damn, every time I work, there is some hot boy that comes in, and I just wanna fuck his brains out. I mean, I don't wanna be a . . . slut, I guess. But, well, what REALLY is the harm? Really? I mean, I have coworkers who are constantly talking about all the casual action they get, and they're enjoying themselves. Does it really HAVE to be a big deal?
Meh, I dunno. Society sends mixed messages in that department. Anyway, my little desire for a boy is coming around again. And I feel like such an ass when this happens in the aftermath of Alex. I mean, I like Alex. He's a cool guy, but . . . we are just very very different people, and I don't think that a romantic relationship would really work. And "harmless" fun wouldn't exactly be "Harmless" when someone's heart is on the line. And then there's Mark, who recently took me out for dinner and Harry Potter this past weekend. He's a nice guy too, but . . . I just don't know about a romantic relationship. Just sex? Nahhh, I don't think that would work either.
So what, exactly, DO I want? Well, I . . . I dunno. I want everything, basically. But that's not going to happen.
The thing I hate the most is the fact that I have to rely on the internet to meet guys. When I see an attrractive guy out on the street, its taboo for me to think that he's gay and hit on him. It's just not something I'm supposed to do. And if he's obviously gay, he's going to be someone that I'm really not that attracted to. Hell, there are some guys who are FLAMING, but end up being straight. Therefore, I'm forced to use online personals sites to meet guys who REALLY are gay. And those always seem to end . . . not ver well. I don't like the whole online thing. It's rather impersonal. And I feel like anyone that I meet through there is all that I have to work with. Like, I HAVE to make something work with them b/c there won't be anything else. So I end up dragging these realtionships out that are really not going to ever work, and its just a painful process. Its happened in almost every occassion.
I want to just meet a guy, get to know him, and become good friends, and THEN date him. I don't want to just DATE a stranger. I don't want to meet someone with the expectation that I will date them, or any expectations at all. The only times I've ever genuinely had feelings for guys were guys that I met in person before ever talking to them online. They're people that I got to know first. And, I mean, isn't that the way it should be?
So yeah, I don't really know HOW I'm going to meet guys offline. I really have no idea. So I guess I'll just have to take a different apporach to the online sites. I dunno. I guess I just have to make sure I don't let myself have any expectiations. I dunno. I really can't wait for the Omaha Pride Parade this year. I mean, of course most of the guys there will be gay. MAybe I can meet someone there. And I'll have a few weeks to lose weight and get in shape before hand too. And when I turn 21, I'll be able to get into the good gay clubs in Omaha, and it will be infinitely easier. Hell, I'm not even looking forward to 21 for alcohol NEARLY as much as for the ability to get into clubs.
Yeah, I'm not looking for anything serious, exactly. I just want to meet people, and what happens happens. Some people click as friends, some click better sexually and not much at anything else. You never know until you actually get to know the person, so expectations are not the best.
And now I'm rambling. Bahhh, sleepy time. I'm working entirely too much at BK lately. But hey, it pays the bills. Well, it will when I get paid . . .
Eric 6/08/2004 04:17:00 AM
