Disclaimer: I am in an incredibly shitty, shitty mood. That should be taken into account when reading the following post. Not that it won't be obvious, but I just thought I'd warn the people that like to pretend they live in a little perfect world where nothing goes wrong, and hence don't like reading anything dark and depressing, for that's what all the thoughts running through my head the past two days consist of . . .
Whatever's Left- It's a feeling I've had many times before I can't hold the fort, so don't give me more I struggle and sweat when I'm wide awake When I know I'm fine, I'm not used to fine
What a wasted weekend. I was so excited, too. I requested work off so I could celebrate my birthday and go out and have fun, and not have to worry about responsibility for a few days.
For once this summer, I was going to have fun.
That was the plan anyway . . . it didn't turn out anything like that. I mean, my birthday didn't go the way I imagined it, but I still had a great time. Probably because I actually went out and got to see friends. Albeit only two of them. Kinda funny how many of my friends are actually in town, and only 2 of them offered to hang out with me on my birthday. Wait, that's not true. Nick offered a few weeks ago. No one else, though. Thanks guys. Thanks sooooooo much.
Hell, my own brother couldn't even drive 20 minutes to see me on my birthday.
My father must be losing his fucking mind. I swear. He acts like a 5 year old. My little brother Jordan acts more grown up than him. That doesn't stop me from being upset with him when he fucks things up though. He's 51 years old, and he shouldn't be acting like this. He fucking eats my entire birthday cake that I only got one small piece of the night before. Fucking pig. Didn't it even occur to him that I might like to enjoy my own birthday cake? That same day he takes my little sister to the DMV to get her learner's permit, and leaves me at home knowing fully well that my liscence is expired and can't even be used as ID. His excuse: "But I woke you up." Obviously not, asshole.
Then I had to pick up my little brother at 3:30 because he had to take a nap, making it completely impossible for me to get to the DMV at all. Because, you know, he has sooooooooo much else to do.
Great how my father fails me every time I turn around.
And then Steve calls me. He wants to go to a movie. Sure, that's great. Something to get me out of the house. He tells me he'll check with everyone else and get back to me.
He never did.
They all went out to eat, and then proceeded to hang out at miscellaneous places.
Nice to know they all care.
I think I'm done with them. That whole group. They've made it abundantly clear time and time again that I don't matter to them. That they couldn't care less. I'm just a burden to them. I'm boring. I don't have anything to contribute to their . . . good times, or whatever. So I just get left out.
I can't really blame them. Sharon and I talked about how I suck at conversation when I'm nervous. And everytime I'm left out, I get more insecure as to where I stand with them. The more insecure, the more I withdrawl. Which makes a huge circle in which I pull away, and they push me away in turn.
It's actually taken longer than I figured it would. Everytime a group of friends graduates high school, they just seem to go away. It happened with people in my class. It happened with people a year younger, and now its finally happening again with this group. I guess its just inevitable. They go and meet new people, and the old ones are just too much of a hassle to keep in touch with. It's sad, but I don't blame them. I mean, who the hell would WANT to stay in touch with me?
Steve actually IMed me to apologize late last night. And then he went on about how I never call them, so I can't say its all their fault.
I'm not really saying its their fault. But seriously, if people leave me out to begin with, what makes Steve think that I'm going to call them up, begging for them to include me? Then add in the fact that I'd be begging them to come get me at the same time, and it just becomes absolutely ridiculous for me to even consider trying to include myself.
That's the way my mind works. It's broken, I know. It's called depression. As a result, my view of the world, and of myself is warped, and this is the way I think. They just got sick of dealing with it. I understand. I mean, who wants to deal with someone who's so down they bring down everyone around them? They put up with me longer than I deserved.
So, thanks guys. I appreciate the years you let me have. Good luck in life. I'll remember you.
I woke up to the stench of rubber cement flooding my room. All I could think of was how much I just wanted to breathe it in until it killed off my braincells and sent me into a coma so I wouldn't have to think anymore.
Then, as I lay there, trying to suck up as much poisonous aroma that I could, I daydreamed about taking a knife and cutting into myself and finally removing all this fat. I mean, if I get rid of it, then I'll be attractive again, and if I'm attractive, I'm more confident and feel better. And if I die of blood loss or infection, oh well. Then I don't have to deal with my shitty life anymore. Its a win-win situation really. It'd probably hurt a lot, though. So I'd have to find some way around that. I'm too much of a wimp to deal with pain.
Hmmm . . . . car exhaust smells much better than glue . . . I've always thought so. I think I'd rather breathe that in to put myself into a coma. It'd probably work faster too . . .
Steve said that he'd hang out with me today to make up for forgetting me last night. I told him that I was busy and that I was going to hang out with John Paul today.
John Paul couldn't get to me.
So I just sat around with nothing to do.
Again.
I'm sure Jacob will be pleased to know that I waited too long to return the extra wireless card, so now I have absolutely no money for the next 2 weeks. I do, howeverm have a perfectly useless wireless card. Can you hear the excitement dripping out of me?
So now that I have no money, I can not affored to go out and do anything. I can't even affored a new liscnece. So that means I can not even borrow my parents car to go get JP or anything. What a fucking lovely hole I've gotten myself into.
So yeah, all my grandiose plans for the weekend of my life have turned into the complete opposite. Hell, I haven't even been able to work to actually earn money for the future. God, my life is so fucking pointless.
I'm never going to be able to do anything with myself.
I might as well just get this hell over with and be done with it.
