It's easier to lie and be safe Time and time again I'm half stalled One giant leap of faith is easy When everyone you ask is so sure
Well, yeah, interesting day today.
Got my driver's liscence. My picture makes me look . . . not just fat . . . like a lard ass. My dad looked at it and exclaimed, "You weigh 180 lbs!?" Well, that was a very conservative estimate . . . but I said, "yeah, about that much". "Geez, fatty. You know there are football players who don't even weigh 180".
Thanks dad. Thank you so much. You know, I wasn't self conscious about that enough as it is . . .
Then I went to work, and was only 5 minutes late, which is pretty much early for me. But still, Marcy the manager threatened to fire me . . . Not explicitly. She just told me that I was "pushing it", and I was told that she said that the next time I was late, I'd get written up. Ok, yes, they put up with a LOT of crap from me. But why all of a sudden stop taking my crap!? I mean, hello? Its me! The only person there who is TOO good for their job! Come on . . . I've been there for 5 years, and one manager comes to work at my store and change everything. Damnit Marcy, I thought you were cool.
But then she told me later this afternoon that a certain co-worker of mine came out to her and she swore me to secrecy. So yeah, Ms. Katie Spicka and Mr. Nick Albrecht, for once MY gaydar beat out YOURS!!!!! HA HA HA!!!!!!!
Ok, done gloating because this was probably just a fluke anyway. But yeah, for the most part I don't complety buy into the whole gaydar as a 6th sense kind of thing. I honestly don't believe you can determine someone's sexuality by seeing them across the room. Sure, some people may have visual characteristics than can be seen from afar, but the whole thing about judging someone from a glance doesn't jive with me. Some people are more open about it than others. I don't see how you can know for sure unless you get to know someone. But that's just me. Oh well.
Then Angela Selzle came in to eat. I was all, "Oh my god, I haven't seen you since we graduated!!!!!" And then I found out that 2 of our mutual high school friends are now married, or engaged. Ok, one married, the other engaged. And not to each other. Craziness. I wanted to sit and talk with her, but it was the dinner rush, so I didn't have time. But she gave me her number so we could hang out sometime. I shall definitely be using it.
But yeah, what is up with everyone getting married!? I see young people coming through drive though with wedding bands and babies! What the hell!? Its like our society is set up to EXPECT everyone to find a spouse. How the hell do people do it!? How do they actually find someone they like that actually likes them back!? How do they all do it!? Apperantly its not that hard b/c EVERYONE is doing it. So why not me? Why is it sooooooo fucking difficult for me? I feel so out of the loop. Like I'm being left behind by the rest of society. Lord! Damn marriage! It can go to hell!
Anyway, moving on. I got home to find out Alex has been pissed at me for at least a month, and that's why he was not talking to me. Well, I felt like shit, and was confused as hell, so I ended up going over to his apartment and talking everything over. It was basically a mis-communication/misunderstanding on both our parts, and I think we patched things up. He's been going through a lot lately, but he seems to be doing well. He's met a new guy, Ben. I saw his picture. He's cuter than I am . . . it makes me jealous, even though it shouldn't. Just a very . . . uncomfortable feeling, I guess. I mean, good for Alex for moving on, but . . . yeah . . .
Went to a movie with Steve, much to the protests of Gary. Ever since mentioning hanging out with John Paul, he's been getting very .. . I dunno . . . He keeps talking about moving to boston together, and sends me links to various apartments. It's sweet, but I'm not sure if I should take his sudden spark of interest seriously, or if I'm just getting toyed with again. We shall see, I suppose . . .
Then I read JP's journal, and Art has re-entered the picture, which complicates things HORRIBLY. I mean, I understand JP's feelings completely, but that doesn't mean that they don't suck a lot. But yeah, he says he feels like he and Art will be together again someday. Even if that's not right now, that makes me wonder just what he expects from our relationship. And now, hello, Art is back already. And then I wonder just what our relationship is going to consist of when we're both back in school. I mean, already its a HUUUUGE pain in the ass to see eachother (not that its not worth it) but when we're both busy as fuck with school, and even farther away, what's going to happen? It . . . it worries me. It makes me think that I'm stupid for even trying to have anything in the first place. And then my mom goes and reminds me of how young he is. And that kinda bothers me. I mean, I overlook it all the time because he seems so mature for his age. But I'm confronted by the fact whenever he's not around, and that he has so much more to go through, and he's not going to want me around all the time. So what am I supposed to do? I dunno. Just take what comes, I guess. I just don't want to have to deal with more rejection. Well, at least I have my meds again, so I think I'll be able to take it. But now that's what I'm waiting for, really. Waiting to be rejected again and to have to find someone else to confide in . . .
Its also really frustrating that I can't tell him all these insecurities myself. I mean, I could IM them to him, but that just seems so . . . impersonal. Damn IM things are used faaaar more than they should. I want personal contact, damnit! So yeah, I'm blogging it instead because I know he'll read it. Is that better or worse than IMing him? I dunno. But somehow it feels better. Or is that just easier? I dunno. I really don't.
Hmmmm . . . today was actually a pretty good day. But then why does my blog about my day seems so damn depressing? Good god, KICK IN MEDS!!!!!
I wonder if one can overdose on anti-depressants . . .
Actually, I know the answer.
You can, but it takes a SHIT LOAD of pills.
But I don't feel like doing that anyway. Things aren't completely hopeless. I mean, there's quite a ways left before they hit rock bottom.
