The dreams we had and we shared, Shattered, broken With kind words you'd come to soothe me But I go blind and filled with fear Would send you away from me There is no hope in regretting now All the pain that we could not see We both knew what we wanted And we took it believing it free We took it believing it free
I am an idiot. A huge fucking idiot.
I don't know what possessed me to believe I would actually be happy. I mean, I was just about to the point where I was beginning to cope with the idea that I'm going to be alone and never truly happy romantically.
And then JP comes along and throws all that into whack.
And I actually thought that I could be happy. I actually believed that. He told me how I have worth and that other people are morons to not see the good in me.
I regret that. I really do.
JP isn't over Art. And now Art is back and wants to pick things up where they left off.
And so does JP. I can tell. He's told me as much himself.
He told me he doesn't want to spend his life waiting for something that might never happen. That's understandable. But now it looks like he won't really have to wait that long.
So I told him to go. I told him to go to Art. To leave me alone. Because I couldn't stand hearing it come from him. I couldn't bare rejection again, so I had to push him away before he did it to me.
I didn't want to. I didn't want to at all, but what else is there to do!? Seriously? Cling to this ill-fated relationship and get drawn deeper in so it causes even more problems down the line?
And even if JP did choose me, I'd probably just fuck him over just like I've done to so many others. I never wanted to. I don't know what happened. It just . . . happens. And it probably would've happened again, and I'd have his pain on my conscience as well. Not to mention Art's.
I'm not important enough to stand in the way of something like that.
I'm nobody. A nothing. Who was never anymore than 2nd best. Something to pass the time until something better comes along.
I shouldn't have believed him. It was stupid of me. And now all this work trying to cope with my pathetic lot in life is gone to shit.
I have to start all over.
Thank god I'm going to school the day after tomorrow. Maybe things will be better there.
