Well, I am now back at school. After a really long day of moving, viewing, and saying good-bye, I'm back at Dana. It really gives me a sense of the beginning of something, which is really kind of exciting. So many things are going to be different.
But yeah, a couple days ago I tried to post, but Blogger decided to error multiple times. Each error followed by a more furious post. In the end I gave up trying. I guess I just wasn't meant to post that night. It was more depressive self anger stuff, so no one missed anything huge. And I got those feelings typed out, which is the important part anyway.
But yeah, my weekend sucked big time. Mostly due to the reappearance of Art, JP's ex. I paniced, and probably over-reacted, and mad assumptions, and basically put myself in a horrible, horrible mood. But JP and Art sorted things out, and I've been able to calm myself down and look at things a little clearer.
Tonight, as I was hanging out with JP for one last time before coming to Dana, it felt really awkward for me. I don't know why, but all of the feelings from this weekend hovered just under the surface. Not dominating me, but making me off balance, and insecure about what to do, what to say.
I like JP. I really do. He's such a great guy. I just . . . I dunno. I want to be with him because he just makes me so happy. He makes me happy in a way that very few people do. And I was scared to death that that was going to end. Its crazy how you can meet someone, and not understand how you made it this far without knowing them. That's what JP is to me. Hard to explain, I know.
Anyway, maybe it was just in my imagination, but JP seemed . . . different . . . more . . . distant. Like there was a wall between us. And maybe there should be. Maybe we're not meant to date, but just meant to be good friends. I don't know. But it hurt a little. I guess I just got to used to being so cuddly with him or something.
We didn't get to hang out long b/c I had to pack to come back to Dana, so we just ate at a BK and then I dropped him off at home. We hugged good-bye, and that was that. It just really felt like an ending. Like a door was closed.
We still talked online tonight and stuff, so its not like I'm never going to see him again. But I'm going to miss him real bad.
Speaking of missing, my Uncle died last week. My Uncle Bill who was probably the only uncle that actually acknowledged my existance. For some reason we're not terribly close with extended family. I don't know why. But Bill was probably the closest uncle I've ever had, which was really cool considering he married into the family, and married Aunt Cathy only a few years ago. But he died of an accidental overdose of pain killers. It was just such a shock to everyone. But I went to his visitation today. The whole idea of a visitation seems rather morbid to me, but once I got there, it seemed . . . appropriate. I went up to him with my family and just looked at him. At this form that once walked, and breathed, and asked me how I was, or what was new, or how school was going or anything. Looking down, it was so hard to imagine that. All the makeup on his face made him look like a puppet or a doll. A very realistic one, but he seemed artificial nonetheless. My mom broke into tears, and walked off to the side. Eventually my family dispersed, and I stayed with Uncle Bill a little longer, and whispered to him how much I appreciated him, and how much he meant to me, and that I truly will miss him. Then I said goodbye. I don't know how to explain it, but I know that somehow he heard me.
Well, tomorrow is the funeral, so I'm missing my first day of classes. Its kind of a pain b/c then I'll have to go around and get syllibi and course schedules from teachers individually, but its a sacrifice that needs to be made. I'm going to speak at the funeral tomorrow. Nothing big, just leading the . . . audience . . . congregation . . . whatever, in a prayer. I'm really happy to be a part of the service, so that I can at least do something to contribute to the honoring of his memory.
So that's pretty much the sum of what's been going on so far. I'm coping. Much better than earlier. I've got chorale "auditions" tomorrow, and then the musical auditions. I don't have a song yet. I'll probably just pick one of the songs I worked on in voice lessons last year or something. I honestly don't care what I get in this show. If I get a lead, great! If I get a chorus part, Great! I'll have more free time to actually do my other work. I'm not terribly excited about the show b/c I'm not terribly impressed by the music. It just seems too . . . I dunno . . . flat, I guess. I mean, its fast paced, but it seems emotionless. Its just these psychotic crazy songs, and they don't appeal to me at all. And the Cat in the Hat's voice just grates my nerves like nails on a chalkboard. I can't stand it, its so irritating. But other people say the show is really good, so I'm trying to keep an open mind and reserve judgement.
But yeah, I think this year will be a good one. I'm optimistic for once! How about that? Well, I have another big day tomorrow, so I'm out.
