Maybe somewhere else Will not be half as cold as me The curtains drawn the winter sun Makes patters on your face It looks like some kaleidescople breathing exercise It's the same Baby won't you breathe God, what a weekend. Most of is sucked ass, but there were some shining moments throughout. Matt and Steven, thank you. I really needed you guys saturday night. I spent most of work on Sunday going through the whole JP fight in my head over and over and over again. Hell, there isn't anything really requiring brain work at BK, so my mind is more than free to wander. And dwell.
But I decided at some point during the day that I needed to talk to him. Face to face. So things would actually get worked out and straightened out, and we wouldn't misunderstand eachother, and we'd both get to say everything we wanted. In theory.
When I finally got to him and had the chance, I was a loss for words. That's not true. I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but for some reason I couldn't say it. My . . . I dunno . . . . comfort? Faith? Whatever it was, it was gone, and I felt like he was just a stranger sitting there and I couldn't express everything going on in my head.
It was the most uncomfortable feeling I've ever felt. So, for what seemed like forever, we just sat there in silence.
Eventually the ice was borken, and everything came pouring out. And after everything was sorted out, I realized how incredibly warped my view on things was. Basically, there was just a whole bunch of miscommunication going on. So once that got sorted out, things started to get better.
And, as it turns out, this whole mess actually stems from other issues I've been having, and JP kindly played therapist for me while I related everything. I'm going to post it here because it applies largely to people who read this. Or at least used to read it. I really don't know if they still do.
This all has to do with my group of friends who actually got me started on this whole blogger thing to begin with. Basically, I used to spend almost all my free time with these people. Even when I went to college, when I came back home on weekends and breaks they were all there and things just picked up where they left off.
But now that they're in college, things seem . . . different.
Well, besides my tendency to be quite, one of the things that I'm most self conscious about is my constant need for a ride in order to spend time with anybody. I'm always worrying that I'm being a burden because I know that its incredibly out of everyone's way to come get me and then drive me home.
So, when they all moved to dorms and lived even farther away, I became even more self conscious about that.
Now, I'm not going to call someone up and say, "hey, wanna drive out of your way to come get me so we can do something?". It just seems . . . kinda rude to me. To invite someone to go do something, but expect them to pick you up. So, because of that, I never called anyone to go do anything. So I sat around and waited to be called.
And I was a few times. And for a good portion of those times, I could not hang out b/c I did not have a ride. So I became more self conscious. Hell, I even had Bobby tell me that I was too much of a hassle to spend time with. I'm sure I blogged about this at the time.
Anyway, this insecurity just made me pull away from this group of people. And the more I pulled away, the more they didn't think of me, or forgot, or whatever. They began to let me pull away. And the more they let me pull away, the more I pulled away, and it became a huge never-ending cycle.
And then it got to the point a few weeks ago that half of them left town and went to college and didn't even include me in fair-well get-togethers. It hurt a lot. And so now that I've become so distanced from these people whom I was so closed to, and came to doubt my friendships with them, I've been increasingly skeptical about my relationships with other people and friends.
This skepticism has just been fueling my paranoia and my depression, creating more downward spirals that are a bitch to get out of without help. And this is what led to my misunderstandings and paranoia about JP and our relationship.
So, that's that. Things are fixed with JP, but not so much with this group of people. You know who you are, and I'd really like to talk to you guys about it.
On a somewhat related note, I've had more free time than I ever could have imagined. So, I've been doing some thinking and stuff. Basically, I've flirted quite heavily with the prospect of running my own Vampire: The Masquerade campaign. For those of you who don't know, its a Role Playing Game set in an alternate universe called The World of Darkness. Its set in present times, but in this slant on reality, vampires, werewolves and such exist and mingle with everyday people. It has a very gothic punk atmosphere, which I really enjoy, and the mythos of it is just so rich, its as if it really existed. (That and I have a certain thing for vampires. I dunno, I just really think they're cool. If I could be any supernatural creature, it'd be a vampire.)
Anyway, I want to run a game. I have so much time on my hands, and I enjoy the material so much that I think I could really invent a spiffy story. Lately I've been downloading all the source books for the game that I can find, and I've got a pretty good start. I'll probably be able to flesh things out better once I know I actually have people who want to play. So yeah, if anyone wants to potentially play, let me know. Previous knowledge on the subject or genre is not required since I plan on taking things a little different from the norm. That way Steve won't have anything to bitch about as far as linear characters.
Ohhhhh, and what else is there? Hmmm . . . I dunno. My mind has gone blank. Actually, its almost 1:30, and I still have an act of a play to read for class tomorrow, so I should probably get on that. But before I do, there's a couple of things that I'd like to address:
My blog is public because insight and advice about anything I'm struggling with is appreciated and desired. And also b/c I'm probably a bit of an exhibitionist and enjoy being the center of attention.
And along those lines, criticism is also welcome. If I'm being paranoid, or jumping to illogical conclusions, let me know. And hiding your identity is not neccesary. In fact, it drives me insane b/c I can't STAND not knowing things like that. I obsess over them and think and wonder constantly to the point where it just drives me mad. So yeah, this anonymous stuff really isn't neccesary.
