Many's the time I ran with you down
The rainy roads of your old town
Many the lives we lived in each day
And buried altogether
Don't laugh at me
Don't look away
You'll follow me back
With the sun in your eyes
And on your own
Bedshaped
And legs of stone
You'll knock on my door
And up we'll go
In white light
I don't think so
But what do I know?
What do I know?
I know!
I know you think I'm holding you down
And I've fallen by the wayside now
And I don't understand the same things as you
But I do
Don't laugh at me
Don't look away
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Too much probably. Thinking rarely results in positive feelings for me, but, anyway, there's some things I really just need to get out of my head.
I was looking at my blog archives the other day, looking at past entries from last year, and it struck me how things have changed so much since then.
Last year, I was in a much worse situation, I think. My behavior was more self destructive, throwing everything out the window trying to pursue a relationship. Times back then were so . . . intense. Everything was either extremely happy, or extremely horrible. But looking back at my posts, and comments, I had so much more supoort back then.
I had friends that actually read my blog and comforted me about my difficulties. I remember particularly one evening when I was extremely depressed, and Alan, Jason, and Steve all showed up at my house and took me out because they were worried about me.
I don't have that anymore. I don't feel like I have support. I feel alone.
And its not just responses to my blog. It's more than that. The blog is just one aspect.
Bethany was supposed to come visit a month ago. She ended up canceling the visit because her ticket was made later than she thought it would be, and we wouldn't get enough time together to warrant her coming. I was dissappointed, but it made sense. We were both busy anyway, and another time would have worked out better.
But that visit in November was to make up for her canceling her visit in August for my birthday. She was busy then too.
She's busy during the summer. She's busy during break, she's busy during the school year. She's busy. She has her own life in Delaware with her boyfriend and her family, and its just so far removed from me and everything here that . . .
I dunno. I just get the feeling like we're drifting apart, and she doesn't care. It's scary. Bethany was the one person I counted on for so many years. The person I always new I could turn to if I ws in trouble. The person I felt really understood me.
And I can't feel that way anymore. I have all these doubts. I mean, how can she know me? We hardly get to talk, and we rarely see each other. When we do, its almost like we're strangers. I don't know how to act around her, what to say.
I feel like I've lost the one person I could truly confide in. And now I don't have anyone.
I had Steve, Jason, Alan, and Peter and the rest, but they've all fallen by the wayside too. It's so upsetting to see all these people I was such good friends with just . . . not care anymore.
That's not fair. They may care, but things just . . . fell apart. I don't know why. But suddenly all my closest friends are suddenly gone. And if my closest friends can suddenly drop away like this, then what about my not so close friends?
My mom found a disposable camera that had pictures of my last day of high school one it. She developed them and gave them to me tonight. Looking through the pictures, there were people that I've literally forgotten existed that I used to be friends with. I had to sit and concentrate to remember people's names.
I'm about to graduate Dana in may. The same thing will happen to my friends here that happened with my friends in high school. We'll all forget eachother. It's so damn upsetting!
So here I am, I feel like I can't trust a singel relationship with another human being that I have. Everything I truly believed in is gone. The people I know now, do they know me? Will they be with me when I need them? Do they understand me?
I honestly don't think they do. I feel like I'm surrounded by a bunch of "good-weather" friends. They like to be around me when I'm happy and cheerful, but when things get rough, when things aren't a fairy-tale, they find something else to do. They leave. Several people have proven this to me already.
But then I'm not being fair. There's got to be someone I know that isn't like that, right? I'm sure there is, but right now, I'm still so sore from past issues, I don't have the strength to take any chances again. And even if I did, I'm not staying in Omaha. I can't. And they would fall away, and I'd be hurting again, just like this, only a few years from now.
I talked to Scott about this a little a few nights ago. Scott, the boy I fell in love with for 2 years, and almost committed suicide over. I've never been happier than I was when we were close. I've never been sadder, but I've never been happier either. We've drifted apart since then. The rift is already there. And it will only grow wider after we graduate. We talked about it. He expects it to happen. He's lost touch with all his high school friends too. When we talked, he just seemed so cold to the whole thing.
I don't know why I'm talking about that. I don't know why I'm talking anymore. I'm just . . . lonely. I'm lost. I don't know what to do. Things are just going by too fast . . .
Eric 12/05/2004 02:49:00 AM
