I recently got back from Brandon's one-man show at the Max. It was awesome. I really had a great time. Well, except for the fact that I now reek of ciggatette smoke, and my clothes reek of ciggarette smoke. Honestly, I don't see how people do it. The smell is mooooooore than enough to drive me away from the habit.
ANYWAY . . .
I got home today after cashing my paycheck, and my Dad started showing me all this stuff he sent out for about theater grad schools, and he wants me to talk to Doc about everything and start getting ready. And I sat down, and started looking at all this info, and I started to get excited too. Just the thought of going to school for the sole purpose of doing theater just fills me with such excitement!
I love to perform. It's one of the ways I can deal with all the drama in my life (self-inflicted or not), and just get away from everything for a while, and become someone else. It fills me with energy the way nothing else does. Excitement, passion, suspense. Maybe its the Leo in me that craves the attention. I don't know, but I do know that if I never performed again in my entire life, I would be miserable.
So here I am, all excited and ready to talk to Doc about grad schools tomorrow and get ready preparing audition monologues and stuff, and then I go to Brandon's show. Doc was there with Connie, and I ended up sitting with them. We talked a bit before the show, and Doc was telling me how the school wants to put together some "Farewell Dr. Christopherson" show thing, and want to include a skit or something that "brings athletics and theater together". I don't understand it any better than that, but Doc said how he has Scott, The Actor-Athlete, and he has The Director, me.
So I'm a director now, huh? Not an actor, but a director. Honestly, the idea of directing something in the spring makes me really, really excited. I'm overjoyed that Doc has so much faith in me as a director that he would give me another project.
I love directing more than I ever thought I would. But do I love it to the extent of giving up acting? I don't think so. Do I love acting to the extent of giving up directing? I really am not sure about that. Directing is just such a new thing to me. I love it, but I love it in a different way than acting. Its hard to explain.
So here is Doc, now not-so-subtlely nudging me towards directing. And me all excited to going into performance, but now suddenly presented with this entirely new world of directing, that I've barely been able to explore. I love the taste of it that I got, and I'm hungry for more. But not if it means giving up everything else.
I'm so confused! Do I have a better chance as an actor or a director? Which one brings me greater joy? Do I even have to choose?
Matt tells me that I should go into directing. Everyone tells me how incredible my directing job was. Bahh, I'm talking in circles. I'm stuck. I don't know what to choose. I honestly don't want to choose. I would love to do both. I want to explore both.
But the truth is that part of the reason I begged Doc to do Soap Opera was because I couldn't stand the idea of going a semester without being in the spotlight.
Well, I'll talk to Doc tomorrow. Tell him everything I'm thinking, and then talk about grad school. See what he has to say. He's a smart guy. He knows what he's talking about. We shall see, I suppose . . .
The auditions in Chicago seem to be taking place Feb. 6-9th. So I've got about 2 months to get ready, I suppose. That ought to be enough time. Yes, I'm sure it will be.
And changing the subject, I've done a lot of thinking regarding my previous entry. I don't think I came to any conclusions about everything, but I'm no longer so . . . bothered, I guess. I don't know how to explain it, but things feel better. Meagan, that poem was really helpful. Thank you. And I apologize for not taking you up on that offer for coffee over thanksgiving break. I would like to maybe try it over Christmas break, if the offer is still good? I really would like to see you again, and talk about things. And stuff. Life. Faith. You know. And Emily, I know what you feel. I've felt it myself. I honestly don't know what happened, but its not as though I don't care. I just . . . don't know where things are, I guess. I feel like sometime you grew up and became an adult, and I feel like I've been left behind. Like you're so much farther along than I am, that how could you want to spend time with little old me. And Matt, I truly than you for all your support. I'm sorry that its taking me so long to open up, but I've just had a LOT of bad experiences with opening up to guys, gay guys in particular, that its just really, really hard. I'm all prepared to be screwed over again, and I don't know how to take that wall down. It'll just take time, I guess. But all good things take time, do they not?
I really feel the need to talk to Bethany again. Especially about this. See how she feels. I'm sure these thoughts have passed her mind as well.
