How the hell do people stand me? Seriously. I'm just a big fucking baby who throws a fit whenever I don't get my way. I treat people like shit after imagining hostilies out of the blue. I'm lazy, and I couldn't work for anything if I tried. God, I'm pathetic.
Why the hell was I so mad at Steve just because he had a bf? I should've been happy for him! I should've supported him! And no, I was a pissy little fuck that wouldn't give him the time of day because I was jealous. God, I hate myself.
Steve takes me to a movie last night, and what do I do? I bitch that I'm hungry. And I pout and I sulk until Steve gives me half his ice cream and Mark buys me pop and popcorn. Why? Why couldn't I just be content? Why does everything HAVE to go my way? Why am I so upset when it doesn't!?
God, my mood swings lately have been so insane, I feel like I should be having a period for crying out loud. One minute I'm ecstatic, the next I'm pissed, the next I'm sad, and then I'm restless, and then I'm bored and tired, and I'm going insane!
I work in 5 hours. I don't want to. I can't stand work. BK is really wearing thin. But I'm so freaking poor. I can't even afford Christmas presents for my family. I feel so shitty about that. I have all these ideas of what to get them, and I can't afford them at all. That's why I was so pissy at the movie. I was just so mad that I couldn't afford anything myself. That I had to have other people to it for me. I couldn't even afford a goddamn tub of popcorn. I hate being poor! But I hate working! How the hell am I going to survive if I hate working? Why is that even an issue. Everyone hates working, but they do it! Why am I so special that because I hate it, I should be exempt from it? I'm not! I need to work!
But I really fucking hate it.
There is so much shit I need to do, but I can't make myself do it! I can't make myself work out. I can't make myself get another job. I can't make myself clean my room. I can't make myself study. I can't make myself fill out my goddamn grad school applications! Why can't I do it? What is wrong with me? Other people can make themselves do things they don't want!
God, I'm never going to get anywhere . . . my life is so fucking pointless . . .
Eric 12/18/2004 02:33:00 AM
