My mind is spinning in circles, running constantly, and it won’t shut up or slow down. Thus, I am blogging. Well, I’m not really blogging because my house’s internet connection has decided to die. Or rather get cut b/c the bill wasn’t paid. Who knows when the fuck it’ll be back. Its just one of the many things that are causing my mind to race at the moment.
So, I have to make a HUGE decision right now. No, I’m out of time to make it right now. It should’ve been made last week. It should’ve been made last month. I’m out of fucking time, and I have no one to blame but myself.
Grad school apps are due next week. Yes, next week. The earliest is actually due in 2 days on Saturday. Does that mean actually received by the school or just postmarked? I don’t know. Either way, I’m fucked.
I have to have letters of recommendation for all the applications. Sure, for the ACT app, due the 14th, that shouldn’t be a problem. But for the one due in 2 days, and the one due on Monday, it’s a fucking HUGE problem.
How am I supposed to go to my professors and say, “Hey, wanna write me a letter of recommendation in one day?”
Yeah, I’m sure they’ll give me a glorious recommendation for waiting for the last minute to ask them . . .
Hell, Palmer and Dr. Michels probably don’t have the best opinions of me in the first place, and I felt awkward even contemplating asking them for recommendations. I was Dr. Michels’s top student way back freshman year when I actually studied. By now I’m sure she’s heard all about my failing grades and shitty work since. And all Palmer knows of me is how I never practice for my voice lessons. He’s never said anything, but he’s a smart man, and I’m sure he could tell. So, its my lack of work ethic, and my frequent absences from chorale that Palmer has to recommend me on . . .
I feel so fucking pathetic. I’m better than that. Aren’t I? Fuck.
My father actually e-mailed both of them last week about doing recommendations. Yes, my FATHER did, making me look even more like an idiot. Apparently Dr. Michels responded saying that she’d have to interview me before she’d write the recommendation and that I’d have to do everything myself . . . . So she’s already thinking I’m slacking by having my father contact her. Goddamnit. But I SHOULD have contacted her last week myself.
I’ve been stuck in another depression rut for the past couple weeks. I can’t do anything, I sleep all the time, escape in FFXI. If it wasn’t for the fucking depression attack, I’d have gotten things done.
And my F in world civ only made matters worse. I’ve been even worse the last couple of days, thoughts of suicide even resurfacing.
And it pisses me off that such little things affect me. I know they shouldn’t, but they do, and so I’m even more mad at myself, and it just spirals downward from there.
So here I am, I can’t get my shit together b/c I literally can not think straight, and applications are due yesterday, with my graduation in May in doubt.
What the fuck do I do?
I have to talk to Dr. Brewer, but now that the fucking internet is gone, I can’t do that. I can’t even e-mail Dr. Michels and Dr. Palmer. I have no way of contacting any of my professors. I can’t even look up more info on the schools b/c I have no interenet! Absolute worst fucking time for it to go out.
So, what are my options?
1. Skip work tomorrow and find someone who will let me hijack their internet to e-mail professors begging and pleading for them to pass or write a letter for me, looking like a total asshole the entire way. Then, IF they agree to do me the HUGEST favor in the world and write the letters for me, finish up the apps and send them by express mail 24 hours from now . . .
2. Do the same above, except throw out half the schools I was looking at applying for, and only apply for the ones due the 7th of Jan and later so as not to look as much like an asshole to said professors.
3. Forget about grad school for next year.
The 3rd option is the only one that is looking realistic at this moment. . . . which REALLY pisses me off.
Going with #3 would mean staying here in Omaha for another year. Is it really a bad thing? I don’t know. But I do know that I feel like I’m being suffocated here. I feel like there is nothing keeping me here. I feel an incredible urge to leave.
I suppose at the same time, I also am scared as hell. Staying here for another year would allow me to just concentrate on graduating this last semester. Then I’d have to get a non-BK job this summer, and hold it throughout the year, saving up money. I audition for community shows and continue to gain experience, then I’ll be prepared and ready to apply for grad schools next fall and won’t have to do this rush job.
But I don’t want to wait! I want to go to grad school now! I want it so badly, I can’t even describe it. This is what I’m meant to do! I know it! And having to put it off hurts like hell!
Then again, can I really go off on my own while still very much under this depression handicap? I can’t go anywhere or do anything till I’m stable. And I’m not stable at all.
ARGH!! This fucking depression fucks up everything for me! MY life is shit b/c of it! I can’t do anything! I’m so fucking crippled by my goddamn emotions! GO AWAY!! GO THE FUCK AWAY!!!!!!!!
I’m so frustrated. And my mind is still spinning at light speed, and I still can’t even begin to be tired. Hell, my hands can’t keep up with my thoughts, and THAT is irritating as hell too. Everything is irritating. Everything is setting me off. Everything that is NOT a big deal IS a big deal. FUCK!
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
I’m not getting anywhere. I’m slowly becoming more and more incoherent. I need to find something else to do . . .
Will I post this? Probably. Whenever we get the internet back. Whenever that is . . .
Oh, and blogging on micrsft word pisses me off too. Keeps giving me little red and green squiggles and shit under my words. And then it sometimes auto-changes things I don’t want changed. BACK THE FUCK OFF! I type it EXACTLY how I want it typed. Don’t bitch at me that its not grammatically correct, you fucking software program!
