Ahhhhhh . . . wow. This break is coming along much more uneventful than I thought it would. Then again, most of my life is more uneventful than I anticipate. Blah. Not going down that road.
I had an appointment with Sharon the other day. We did a lot of talking about my lack of motivation. She doesn't know how to make me motivated, and to get me to sit down and concentrate on things, and do stuff I have to do but don't want to do. I don't know either. If its something I don't want to do, I'm going to do whatever I can to avoid not doing it, so trying to get me to do it anyway doesn't work. So how do I get myself to want to do something I don't want to do. I don't know. I feel like such a child. Let's see how I can fake myself into doing something I should be mature enough to do on my own . . . Seriously, I don't know what the hell's wrong with me. I don't know how to just DO shit. Even if I'm bored out of my mind, and don't have anything to do, I just sit there instead of getting work done.
Sharon said that I've been able to make it this far because of how naturally intelligent I am. It's kind of flattering, but its also the reason I haven't had to deal with my lack of motivation before.
It seems there's lots of things with me that are my strengths, but also my greatest weaknesses. My intelligence is one of them. Also, Sharon says that I think differently from most people. I react to things in ways most people don't. I draw conclusions that most people don't see. My mind just works differently, and I see things differently. Which is a good thing, but it can alienate me. I've recently talked with Matt about how differently we think. How I'll say something that I think is soooo obvious, but it'll fly right over his head, or he'll assume something and I'll think he's crazy b/c I just don't see it at all.
She says its also probably the greatest thing contributing to my lack of relationships. She says I'm an enigma. That I just confuse the hell out of people so they don't know what to think. We talkd about how I present different sides of myself to different people. Now, everyone does this to some extent, but she thinks that I do it to a greater degree than most people. And when I think about it, I agree with it a lot. I feel like I'm a different person depending on who I'm with. I'm different with my family than I am with friends. Hell, I'm different depending on which friends I'm with. My mom and brother were talking the other day about how I act like I'm stupid around people. Not that I'm being stupid, but I'm pretending to be. I act like I'm naieve, and I can see that! At work, I act like I'm stupid. I do that around other people all the time, even though I'm not. I'm not at all. I act like I don't notice things when I do. I guess I just don't want people to hold me to high standards or something like that.
But anyway, what Sharon thinks has been going on is that when I meet a guy, I act a certain way around him. I act how I think he wants me to act, or something, but the idea is that I'm not totally being myself. So when I DO start to be myself, they're confused, freaked out, and back off. Hmmm . . . I mean, it makes sense . . . Is that how it's been happening? I dunno. Maybe. It sounds like that could be it. Hell, I remember the whole Nick saga and how there were so many times where I'd ask him how he wanted me to be. I remember that as I left Ohio, I asked him what I should do to change. And looking back on it, it makes me sick. How could I have done something like that? Who wants a chameleon who changes from moment to moment. Who is changing themselves to fit instead of being themselves.
God, its so insane. I do this without even realizing it. Its so second nature to me that I don't even know which is the real me? Am I the naive slacker, goofball? Am I the quiet loner? Who? What? I'm so incredibly confused.
Eric 12/24/2004 02:42:00 AM
