They're a band I just started listening to, and am listening to at the moment. I was at Wal-Mart with Mark last night, looking at CDs, and there was this CD that had the most amazing cover! Its one of those covers that is just sooooo cool, you know the band HAS to be good. Hell, if I had the money, I'd have bought the cd right then, just based on the amazing cover art.
Anyway, I did not have money,so I came home and downloaded some songs instead, and they're awesome! Maybe not the greatest things ever, but certainly damn good. I shall have to investigate this band further.
Speaking of really good bands, I've re-discovered my Splender CD. Still an amazingly awesome band. I'm desperately trying to download songs to replace on of their CDs that I lost on the Oregon trip . . . Yes, nearly a year ago, and my massive music loss still stings. Anyway, they are really, really good. Definitely one of my top favorite bands, and I need their 2nd cd bad! So bad! I'm going through Splender withdrawl! I can d/l everything from their 1st ablum, which I still have, but nothing from the 2nd. Which reminds me, when are they going to comeout with a new cd? It's been almost 3 years. I think they're due for one.
As far as other things go, time at BK is starting to just blend together. So in a week or so, it prolly won't bother me anymore. Still not the happiest with myself, but, hey, I'm human. I could be a lot worse. And some things are just out of my control. And at least I can recognize my faults so I can learn from them and improve myself. I just haven't been in the most stable of moods lately. I mean, finals are done, but I'm just as stressed. I thought things were going to calm down, but I just have all new stresses thrown onto my shoulders.
This whole grad school thing . . . is so overwhealming. It really is. I'm not sure I'm ready. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready. I just have so many doubts. But at the same time, I feel so . . . confident about it. I really believe deep down in my soul that I'm going to make it. That this is what I'm supposed to do. That I will succeed. But I know it's going to take work. I know I have what it takes inside me to be an amazing performer, because I've done it before. I've had little flashes of it emerge from time to time. It first happened in Forensics. When I recieved my first 1st place trophy, it was from "it" finally hitting me in the finals round. "It" happened again my senior year as I performed my DI, and again, took first place. "It" happened my freshman year of college when Chris was directing me in his student-directed one act.
Its this . . . transformation that comes over me, when I truly AM the character. When I truly feel the emotions that the character is experiencing. When I felt the anguish over losing my eyes, when I truly felt the dispair at knowing I was going to die and leave my family behine, when I literally broke down after recalling my rape and assault by cruel bullies. That's what it means to be an actor. A true actor. Its not just showing these emotions. Not just pretending to be a character, but to actually BE a character. And I've done it. I know its there inside of me. I just don't know how to consistently bring it out. That's what I need. That's the next step for me. I'm getting pretty good at getting half way there. Or maybe even 3/4ths the way there. But its just that final step. That final release of myself that I have yet to grasp.
It's interesting, when I look back on it. Its just such a shocking feeling. Like your not yourself. I know it scared the hell out of me, and I snapped right out of it in the one act-rehearsal. Just being overwhealmed with these feelings of hatred and fear at the same time. It was very alarming, and I shut it off almost as soon as it started. I remember collapsing on the floor afterwards, amazed that something that powerful actually came out of me.
I want to feel it again.
As I read scripts and plays, I can imagine myself performing them. I can imagine how I want to say things, and how I want to move. But when it comes time to actually do them, I freeze up. Like I'm too self-conscious. That's what happened in my Shakespeare on the Green audition last year. I froze up. I didn't let myself go.
That's what I need to do: let myself go.
Time to look into that . . .
Oh, and one more thing. I don't want to be an asshole, and this may seem rather self-centered. Well, I know it is. Anyway, this is MY blog. This is MY little corner of cyber-space where I talk about things involving ME. This is not some forum where just anyone can come and post whatever the hell they want. The comments are there SOLELY for friends of mine to provide advice and insight on the various problems and difficulties that I talk about. Comments are NOT there for any random person to show up and talk about themselves. You can make your own blog if you want to do that. I really thought that this was self-evident. You know, as this is MY blog. But just for the people who have little to no tact, this is MY blog, so don't come here spouting off about your own little make out sessions or declaring that you will not be commenting because you are on break. Comment if you have something to say about what I have posted, not irrelevant little details in your own life. That's what your own blog is for. Its not that I don't care. I do. Its just that this is an inapporpriate place to do it. Tell me yourself. Tell me in an e-mail. Don't put it here.
Eric 12/19/2004 11:11:00 PM
