I just got back from going to the BK here in Blair with Kelly so we could get some dinner. To my pleasant surprise, the Really Cute Guy was working tonight. Even beter, he took our order, and I got to *gasp* talk to him. Even though it was just ordering food and then thanking him.
You see, this kid that works at the BK here in Blair, the Really Cute Guy, is really cute. Anyway, he's been working at this BK for at least the last two years, and he's just really really cute. Every time I go in and he's there, its REALLY to take my eyes off him. Its hard to describe this guy. He just draws me somehow. He's not, like, a model or anything. I wouldn't consider him hot, just really, really cute. For the record, I find cute more appealing than hot.
Anyway, up until tonight, I've never really gotten to see him up front. We even made eye contact for quite a while once (yes, I'm a loser). But tonight I was actually close enough to read his name tag. His name is Peter. What an adorable name! It really is. I don't know why, but him being named Peter just makes him that much cuter.
But, of course, nothing came of it. I distinctly remember when I saw him, that I cursed my hair at the time. You see, my hair was, and is, not terribly . . . kempt, I guess. It hasn't been washed in a few days, nor combed, and still probably looks like hat hair from myself working this weekend. So yeah, I finally get to interact with Peter, and I look like a bum. Ugh.
So, yeah, I suppose my personal hygeine hasn't been at an all time high lately. Not that its bad. I mean, I don't smell bad. I'm hardly active at all. I'd be surprised if I've worked up a sweat in the last month. I only shave once, maybe twice a week. I'm not exactly dirty, I'm just not looking my best, I suppose.
My little brother asked me if I ever comb my hair this morning, and I told him, "Not anymore". Which is true. I really don't give a shit what I look like at the moment. I could care less whether I look nice, or whether I look like a bum (with the exception of tonight, of course). And, with that exception, I'm sure anyone reading this can discern the reason.
I don't care about my appearance because I don't have anyone to impress with my appearance. I'm not trying to look good for anyone. The only people I'm around are people that couldn't care less about how I look: family, and a few friends here at Dana. I just don't have any motivation to look good. My family is not my family, and my friends are not my friends b/c I look attractive. So, if no one cares, what's the point in going to all the trouble?
I don't think there is one.
But then I see this Peter guy, and I'm all of a sudden self-conscious about looking my best again. God, I'm pathetic. I mean, seriously, the kid probably doesn't care. He's probably not gay. And even if he was, he'd be some asshole who wouldn't like me anyway. Thus, no point.
Sharon brought up the whole romantic relationship thing at our session last wednesday, and honestly, I'm doing fine UNTIL that gets brought up. I simply told her that I'm trying not to think about it; trying to fill up my thoughts with other things because there is no future for myself in romantic relationships, and dwelling on that just makes me more depressed and upset.
She agreed that this is one time where my uncanny knack for avoidance might be worthwhile.
So, yeah, I'm trying my hardest to bury that dismal subject under everything I can possibly think of. I've actually been succeeding so far. Go me!
Last Wednesday, Chris came to visit Lindsay. So Lindsay and Joe invited me to come over to see him and hang out. But I chose to remain in my room and play Vampire The Masquerade: Bloodlines instead. And I honestly believe that was the better decision.
What would've been gained by me going over there to see Chris? Yup, that's right: R-E-J-E-C-T-I-O-N. I would've gone over there, full of all these hopes and expectations, and they would've been dashed as Chris, once again, rejected me.
I know that's what would've happened. So I rejected him instead. I ignored him. If he REALLY wants to see me, then he could've come over here. But he didn't come over, so I guess he really didn't want to see me.
Oh well. I'm fine. I'd say I'm over it, but there's nothing to get over.
So, Chris really doesn't matter anymore. I don't really care what goes on with him anymore. John, too, for that matter. I've been ditched and abandoned and rejected so much I'm getting used to it.
My skin is hardening, and I don't plan on letting anyone in anytime soon.
Something I just realized tonight: Peter's face reminds me of Nick. Same structure I think. Is that why I find him so attractive? Bahhhh, that road just leads down all sorts of bad things. That goes under the pile with all the other shit.
Winterfest is in less than 2 weeks. I didn't get a ticket. I'm not going. I realized that every dance I have ever gone to, my date has been a friend. I've never actually gone with a DATE. I'm sick of going to dances with a friend while everyone around me gets to be with their date. Fuck that. I'm done.
ARGH!!! Down under the pile with you too! FUCK!!!!
Speaking of Joe and Lindsay, Joe was telling me about some little . . . not exactly fight, but . . . I dunno what it was. A mutual annoyance with eachother maybe? I dunno. But anyway, as Joe was telling me, all I could think of was "And you're letting THIS get between you two?" Because, honestly, what they were less than happy with each other over, was really not a big deal at all. Come on guys, don't let stupid little things ruin what you have. Don't invent stupid reasons not to get along. Just take comfort in each other's company. Its not supposed to be something you fret over. You don't have to rush things. You've found each other so early in your lives, and you have the rest of them to be together. You have been given a gift. Don't squander it. I guarantee that when I finally find the person for me, that I will . . . fuck . . . GO AWAY!
Goddamnit. Why does everything have to go back to that?
So, yeah, Vampire is going interestingly. I actually started a new game with a Malkavian this morning. I'll finish it with my Toreador, but I want to play through as a Malkavian too because they're crazy and its funny reading some of your dialogue choices in the game.
And Xenosaga II creeps forward. 2 more weeks and it will be mine! Then, goodbye outside world. Goodbye ridiculous worries I have no control over.
And I'm almost done with Season 2 of Farscape. I'll start in on Season 3 this weekend. I ought to save up enough to buy Season 4 by the time I'm done with 3. And then after Season 4, I'll watch the Peacekeeper Wars, which I recently bought on DVD. And then the Farscape saga will be concluded. I don't think I could ever say enough how amazing that series is. I'm serious.
Then I can throw myself into some more books. There's plenty of them that I have yet to read. Even Tad Williams came out with a new novel.
With all those, and school thrown in on top of that, I shouldn't have to face reality for quite some time.
