Hmmm . . . I just had an entire post deleted by some random keystroke. I hate it when that happens. Anyone who blogs can probably sympathize. I don't even know where the hell the key I hit that made everything delete IS.
Oh well. It probably happend b/c I was in such a fury typing. You see, the post that got deleted was largely me bitching and largely raging over the results of today.
Upon thinking, my rage . . . no, that's not a good word for it. . . . My . . . dissappointment and frustration with what happened may not be totally fair.
Quick recap of previous post:
Therapy with Sharon went really well. New Psychiatrist on the way. Yay for new meds, yay for encouragement, yay for support, yay for knowing why the hell I'm feeling what I feel.
Description of the hassle in trying to get ahold of John, and my ultimate failure to be able to do so. Hmm . . . "my failure" . . . is it really mine? I'm not the one who neglected to turn on my cell phone, or return messages . . . Obviously, this was the larger portion of my previous post. For the who-knows-how-manyieth-time, plans with John have fallen through for unknown and unexplained reasons. I saw it coming. I just really hoped that my instincts were wrong. They weren't, so I'm mad at myself for actually having hope where none should have been placed.
I'm not mad. I'm just very dissappointed and discouraged. Yet another individual who tells me one thing, and then acts quite differently. You'd wonder how it can be so ridiculously difficult for two people who live so close together to meet up just ONCE.
Not being negative is a very difficult thing to do. I really is, but I'm really trying. I'm just sick of being dissappointed. Not just by John, but by everyone and everything. There are all these things that I hope will happen, that I want to happen, and they never do. Something always gets in the way, and its discouraging as hell.
I also complained a lot about Chris and how incredibly . . . I don't know! He's just so confusing! I don't know what the hell to say to the kid. I don't know how to act around him. He's so evasive and cryptic whenever I try and talk to him. He tells me he doesn't want me to make assumptions about him, but he doesn't give me much to go off of. I mean, when you say one thing, but act in a completely different fashion, what am I supposed to think? Honestly?
Chris is talking to me again at the moment . . . I'm so confused . . .
I've really been feeling isolated lately. Like there's no one I can trust. No one I can confide in. I feel like I'm surrounded by acquainances, instead of friends. No, its not completely fair, but that's how this depression is warping my view of things. Of people. So I've been pushing people away, making that warped view a reality. Another one of those downward spiral things that I'm stricken with.
Regardless, my relationships with friends have not been the best as of late, and I just really long for someone that I can be close to. Someone who will reassure me and help me and be with me. Maybe that's why I want a boyfriend so badly.
In my Lord of the Rings class today, some transfer student sat next to me at the table for the first time today. I don't know why. Probably nothing, but my mind began to invent reasons anyway. As he changed positions to lay on the floor as we watched the movie, all I could think of was how badly I just wanted to be wrapped up in his arms. Just be held. And comforted. And feel safe. Loved. Wanted. It wasn't anything sexual. I just wanted comfort and support.
And when I think about it, that IS all that I really want.
And at the same time, I want to do that for someone else. I thought that since Chris and I are in such similar situations that we could do that for eachother. But Chris pulls away at every opportunity and I don't know whether its from fear of me hurting him, or b/c he just finds me repulsive.
FUCKING DEPRESSSION! QUIT WARPING MY MIND! ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
Everything will be better when the meds arrive. And then kick in . . .
Just a few more weeks . . . I can handle this . . . I can do it . . .
Eric 1/13/2005 01:08:00 AM
