Just so ya'll know what you're getting into . . . I really don't know if any of the following will be reasonable. It probably won't be, but it feels like it is right now. And hell, if I can't bitch here, where can I?
And guess what I'm going to bitch and moan about? Hmm . . . geee, what are 90% of all my bitching and moaning sessions about? Yeah, anyone who reads this anymore probably knows me well enough to answer that question . . .
Well, here's what's bugging me: I'm rather . . . jealous . . . at the moment. Hmm . . . jealous doesn't seem, right. Envious maybe? Sure they mean the same basic thing, but they have different connotations, I think. Jealousy implies, to me, more of a rage/bitterness/hostility kind of thing. Where as envious, to me, implies something not really hostile, just, "damn, I wish I was in that situation" kind of thing. Why I'm defending my use of the english language, I have no idea.
Anyway, the few gay guy friends I actually have, suddenly have suitors coming out of the walls . . . Ok, so maybe that's an exaggeration.
Mark, just last week has 3 boys get on him on the same night. 3! Same night! Gee, must suck to have 3 people chasing after you. And NO pun intended (though it might apply . . .)
Alex has had multiple guys surrounding him for what seems like ever. I know he's upset right now because the latest one didn't work out. I don't really know the whole situation. But, I mean, at least he HAS people. Lord, I don't even have relationships TO go down the shitter. I suppose I'm a proponent of "better loved and lost than to have never loved at all". I'd gladly take the down if it meant experiencing the up that comes with it, instead of the past months of total and utter nothing.
And finally, we get to the person I am most . . . envious of: Matt. He's on his, what? 4th guy in the past 2 months? Good lord . . . I just don't get it. I mean, yeah, Matt's a nice guy. But, well, I don't see what he has that's getting all these guys beating down his door that I don't have. This Andrew kid is all of a sudden spending the night at Matt's house and going to his birthday party this weekend after what seems to amount to a week's worth of IM conversations. Interestingly enough, I actually was talking to this Andrew kid way back in July and August. He said stuff about how we should hang out, but then dropped off the face of the earth. What is it about Matt that gets this kid all excited that he spends the weekend with him after so short a time period? I mean, hell, that seems fast for anyone, not just Matt. Like I said, Matt's a nice guy. He's one of my better friends. But, honestly, I am just really confused why the consensus in the gay community seems to be that he is so much more worth spending time with than I am. Lord, even Mike, the guy I met at Emily's party doesn't deem me worthy of getting to know better.
Ugh. It's just so discouraging. You know, it's a LOT easier to not worry about being single when everyone around you is single too. Then, when everyone starts getting paired off, the fact that something is missing is once again thrust into my face. I know its not intentional. I'm just wondering what the hell is wrong with me that people are so continuously turned away. Do I have some huge sign on my forehead that says "Asshole" and I just can't see it? Seriously. I feel like I have a lot to offer a guy. I'm intelligent, easy-going, nice, adventurous. I can be goofy at times, and serious at others. I'm a good listener. I'm affectionate. And I think I'm rather attractive.
I know I have my faults: I'm shy, and it takes a while for me to warm up to someone and completely open up. So I might not be as warm to someone right off the bat. I sometimes take things too personally, and can be emotional. Ok, I can be really emotional. But, once again, I usually don't get emotional around or to someone unless I feel comfortable around them or know them. I mean, really, once I get to know someone, and feel like I can open up to them, I really think I have a lot to offer.
But then again, every time that I HAVE opened up to someone has ended in absolute rejection. Hmmm . . .let's see . . . Alan: I opened up to him as a friend. I've never had a better friendship develop so fast. I've never so instinctively trusted someone so much. He wanted more than a friendship, and I didn't know what to do. So I gave him what I thought he wanted, even though I didn't feel the same way. After a little while he got fed up and that friendship was over. It was devastating.
Next: Scott. Someone else I opened up to, but because of the fact that he's straight, that ended less than pleasantly as well. I guess some good came out of it in that I was able to maintain a valuable friendship, but there was still a lot of hurt there.
Nick: I may have jumped the gun on this one. I wanted to open up so badly. I was desperate for something to fill the void left by Scott, and Nick didn't want to let anyone in at all. To this day, I still don't know what happened, but the whole experience was a huge disaster.
JP: a fellow gay community outcast! It was like it was meant to be! But, well, no, I guess not. Rejected there too. Just as I was starting to feel safe, and feel like I could open up . . . WHAM.
Chris: similar situation, even faster rejection. Though I suppose in that case, the rejection came before he really got to know me.
Hell, are there any other examples? Any other guy I can think of would be someone I never felt comfortable enough with to really be myself and open up.
Maybe I'm just a complete nutjob, and I'm such a nutjob that I can't even tell.
Ugh, I really ought to get to bed. I can't be staying up this late every night.
