Well, the show was awesome. We were fan-freakin'-tastic! The audience was great. I think I creamed my pants when the audience cheered for after "On Broadway". It's cheering like that, that reminds me why I love theater so much. Ohhhhh, so much goodness! No stupid little fudge-ups, and we all had much more energy and excitement than usual.
But, yeah, so I've been doing a lot of thinking . . . about the future, about myself, about what I want to do/want to be . . .
Earlier today I met with Dr. Murch-Shafer again about my project. Its just so exciting to have her be just as excited about it as I am. She's just so willing to spend time to help me figure everything out, and it's really relieving. Afterwards, I called the lady at UNMC's Monoclonal Research department thingy about coming up for a visit. And she asked me to name a day and time! Just like that! Whenever I wanted (I chose Tuesday afternoon), I could just tell, her, and she's set it all up! The Director of the program is going to meet with me, and show me around, and its just so easy! I was all worried that they'd be busy and wouldn't want to deal with me, but they are more than helpful, if not exicted that I'm coming.
So, not only have I re-discovered my passion for biology and found something that gets me excited about it, I am overwhealmed by the huge amount of support being given to me! It's like they *gasp* WANT me to succeed!
And then I go perform in a show, that I know I kicked ass in, and I get . . . well . . . not very much. People in the show tell me I did a good job, and it means a lot, but I don't hear anything from Brandon, Michelle, and Claire. I didn't hear much from Dana students other than Sara Buck (I LOVE HER!), and even my parents said next to nothing. They took me out to dinner, and I asked them about the show, and all my family said was that it was good, and that everyone was good in it at some point.
Wow . . . I don't even stand out to my own family . . .
So, we have biology, which is all "GOOOOOOOOOO ERIC!!!", and then we have theater which is all, "oh, that other guy on stage." . . .
Do you go where people want you and are excited to have you, or do you go to where you're just another nobody?
Does feeling like I'm going well really mean all that much in theater? I mean, I'm not watching me. The audience is. It doesn't matter if I think I'm good if the audience isn't entertained? I mean how do I even know if what I feel is right? From my experience with depression, I'm well aware that what I feel isn't at all an indication of what is true?
So is this all just some big self-delusion? Am I really just mediocre? Do I have more confidence in myself than I really deserve?
Or is it the doubts that are the self-delusion?
Then I have Sara Buck come up to me after the show, and say how great I was, and how good a dancer I am, and everything. So, I just don't know. Ugh, its all so confusing.
Then I reflect on my Senior Seminar class. With all the recent discussions and debates on personal morality and values, and views on the world, things just seem to make more sense to me, and have so much more meaning. Theater isn't just entertainment. It's an art form. I've been learning in class after class about how theater, more than any other art form, continually challenges the way society thinks. Theater is always pushing the boundaries of culture, exploring different situations and different views. As I've come to realize that two of my biggest values are that of balance and open-mindedness, this challenging of society is more and more important to me. If, through acting, I can create a character who's story causes people to stop and think about their own lives, and possiby make changes for the better . . . Well, that's something that I see as really powerful, and really important for society as a whole.
We've been discussing the issue of drug abuse in Senior Sem. lately. It is one of the most depressing subjects I can think of because there seems to be no solution. You can't effectively target the demand, you can't effectively target the supply, you can't effectively treat people. It's just a big huge mess that no one has found a way to clean up. And then it came to me: role models. Kids growing up are just going to reject what authority figures tell them. But if they have a role-model, or someone they can look up to who dissapproves of drugs, then that influence will carry on to the kids. Sometimes parents can be that role-model, but not in every case. So who's someone who is available to serve as a role-model for everyone? To a certain extent, celebrities are role-models. They're constantly in the public eye, and people look up to them because they're well known and famous. But you hear left and right about celebrities using drugs. That's just making things worse. If, through acting and already challenging the way people think, I were to become famous and well known, I'd be in a perfect position to be a role-model for anyone who sees me.
I know it sounds kind of crazy, and very self-absorbed, but . . . the more I think about it, the more it seems like a valid way of making the world a better place? I mean, we all want to change the world, right? We all would like to make things better? There are all these people out there who have the power to do something and don't, and I know that if I were in their position, I could put that power and influence to good use.
Lord, I must sound like some kind of nutjob . . . This whole mess of ideas has just been tossing and turning in my head, and I just had to get them out.
