Yup, that's right. My final musical on the Dana College stage opens tonight. That fact never really hit me until a little while ago. I guess I still have the spring play (if I make it), and my one-man show, but neither are musicals. Musicals hold a different place in my heart than plays. They're so similar, yet so different at the same time. From now on, there's a chance I may never do a musical again. Sure, I'll audition for them, but there's always a chance, ya know?
Our invited dress last night was dissappointingly rough. Lots of little mistakes were made that we had never made before, and it was kind of embarrassing after going on and on about how good we are. I think we covered up well, though. That, and now I KNOW where all my costume pieces are, so I won't be freaking out looking for them (Not a pleasant experience, as I learned last night).
As I was performing for an audience last night, I realized how not-very-fun any of my songs are. I mean, my duet with Molly is awesome, and really pretty, but its not a jump-out-of-your-seat-and-dance kind of thing. Its the same with "Stay a While". Real pretty, and soothing, and relaxing, but not exciting. My climactic solo at the end is certainly emotional, but its nothing that will get the audience up and cheering. And I look around, and there are SOOOO many other songs like that in the show. I just can't help myself from lip-synching along to Jenna's "Hound Dog" and "I'm a Woman", and "Jailhouse Rock". And then there are songs that the audience just finds hilarious like "Teach Me How To Shimmy", "Love Potion #9", and others. I guess I'm just a big attention hog and want to be in the spotlight the whole time. I dunno. I just kinda wish, reflecting on the whole show, that I had a more fast-paced, exciting, entertaining song to sing.
Ugh, I'm such a big premadonna . . .
It's also kind of frustrating how I base my peformance on the compliments people give me. If I don't hear what a good job I'm doing every time I do it, I get all paranoid that I'm not doing well anymore, and what am I doing wrong? and what do I need to change? etc.
I mean, I feel like I'm doing a good job. I feel like I'm doing a frelling amazing job sometimes, but when no one says anything, does it mean they didn't notice? Was I not so good as I thought I was? And if I'm not as good as I thought I was, does that mean I wasn't good in the past? Am I just not good period? Ugh, so many doubts. I wish I could just make them all go away. They just seem . . . I dunno. To make sense in a way. If I was really spectacular, people would always tell me how well I'm doing. But if they're not, then I'm not the best. I'm not doing well enough.
Case in point, there are a lot of songs in the show where I'm a back-up singer, and I feel like I'm bursting at the seams with energy and excitement, bopping to the music, doing my best to excite the audience and make it not boring. And I look at some of the people I'm singing with, and while they're not bad by any means, I don't see the same excitement or energy in them that I feel in myself. Yet due to assurances that we're all doing well, and that everyone is giving great energy, I feel like I'm being told that all my effort is only netting me the same result that I see on my co-performer's faces. Is any of this making sense?
And, I mean, if all my effort makes me just as good as anyone else at such a small school, in such a small state, then how the hell am I going to actually make it as an actor when I have to compete against people from bigger and more competitive places?
Shit, now I'm making myself mopey. Damnit. This is why I just wish that I could turn off my brain sometimes. I'm just going to get back to studying Medical Terminology . . .
Eric 3/04/2005 02:32:00 PM
