You know, it really seems like people will only help someone if they want something from them. I'm seeing examples of this all over the place where people only offer help and assistance if they get something for it. People don't even do anything just to be nice.
First of all, what you expect in return doesn't neccesarily have to be something physical. Very often its an emotional expectiation. I'll do this for you because in return you'll be nice to me/love me/spend time with me, etc.
All too often, when someone suddenly feels "jipped" (they don't get the benefit they sought after in the first place), they cease all the kindness and support they originally offered.
I suppose that makes sense, right? I mean, if someone isn't even going to be your friend, why should you continue to do kind things for them? I suppose that circumstance might be justified, but let's look at a different one: A guy is dating a girl and he showers her with love and affection, but when she consistently refuses to have sex with him, he leaves. Here, the guy was giving the girl love and affection because he expected to get laid. The girl really appreciated the love and affection, and returned it. But she didn't give the sex. So the guy got something in return he didn't expect, and didn't get what he expected in return.
So now we have a different circumstance: now the benefit you recieve is not the benefit you expected/wanted in the first place. But you're still getting something. Shouldn't that be enough? Apperantly it's not enough for lots of people.
Almost three years ago, I befriended Allen. He was a great friend. He gave me all the support and companionship I could have ever wanted. But Allen had a crush on me. He wanted a more romantic/physical relationship beyond simply being friends. He told me and I understood that. Because I valued his companionship so much, I felt like I should give him just what he wanted, whether it was possible for me to do so or not. So, I made the attempt. I tried to force myself to give him the romance and physicality he desired. It was difficult for me, and I didn't feel comfortable with it, but I led him to believe that I would give him what he wanted. One time I even forced myself to give him what he wanted. In the end, Allen realized that I couldn't give him the physical, romantic relationship he wanted, so he got angry with me for leading him on and effectively dropped out of my life.
Now, he had every right to be upset with me for leading him on. It wasn't intentional. I only wanted to make him happy. But in the end, I couldn't give him the relationship he was looking for, so he left, even though I was more than willing to have a strong friendship.
So what would have happened if I had started out by telling him, "No, I don't want to date you, but I want to be a really good friend."? Would he have left right then, as soon as it was made aware to him that he wouldn't get what he was looking for? Would I have missed out on that incredibly great friendship, and missed out on getting to know such a great person if I had told him at the beginning that we weren't going to date?
Or would he have simply accepted my counter-offer and things would have progressed just as they had before, with all the intensity and fulfillment?
I really don't know the answer. Maybe his dropping out of my life was more due to the unintentional hurt caused by my leading him on. That would be totally valid, but my repeated attempts to continue a friendship over the years have met with constant and near total rejection. Doesn't that indicate that he most liklely would have just left me way back at the beginning of the summer if I had been originally honest?
I suppose I'll never really know the answer to that question. But its worries like that which make me constantly paranoid about what I tell people. I've been in so many situations like that before, now that I think about it. A guy wants sex, so I give it to him, expecting a relationship out of it. When the guy finds out I want to turn the random sex into a relationship, he leaves. Or a girl who has a crush on me starts to hang out with me all the time, but when she finds out I'm gay, she backs off and disappears. I could list so many examples of those in my life, which are basically just variations with different names involved.
So, the question is, do you try and give people what they want? Do you lead them on and promise them what they desire till you are finished getting what YOU want? Do you talk about it up front and get everything straigtened out and clear before hand? Does the understanding of different desires even make a difference? Would it just hasten the parting of ways?
Sooooo many questions. And, just like Hamlet, I'm analyzing them to the point where I'm making my head spin and I'm even more confused than when I started. Maybe I should take a cue from Hamlet and just ACT. "Praised be rashness." I should just let my intuition be my guide. If it feels right, do it. If it feels wrong, don't do it.
Simple as that.
Right?
Except I know that my depression can cause chemical imbalances in my brain that do all sorts of frelled up stuff to my emotions and feelings. So if I can't FEEL what's right and I can't DEDUCE what's right . . .
How do I know anything?
And if I can't know anything . . .
Then shouldn't I, like Hamlet, set off down the path to self-destruction?
Yeah, I definitely need to go think of something else . . .
Eric 4/19/2005 04:04:00 PM
