Wow, it's been an extremely mentally and emotionally exhausting week. Wow. My brain has never felt so dead. I've never wanted to just let it shut down more than I do right now. I've just done too much thinking these past few days, and I sure could use a break.
The other day I actually posted on my LJ because blogger was being a piece of dren again. Meh, I didn't post anything of terribly significance. They were more conversation starters than anything. In fact, I think that's what I'll use LJ for: conversation/discussion topics. If I see something I find discussion worthy, I'll post it on LJ. Blogger will continue to be my place for personal reflection/venting/sorting, etc.
Soooooooo, yeah . . .
Well, with my research project, it's coming along, thought its quickly becoming more complicated than I ever thought it would be. I'll turn in my 2nd draft of my proposal tomorrow. I hope I don't have to revise it again because the Human Subject Research Committee meets Thursday . . . Besides, I think my 2nd draft is leaps and bounds over my 1st draft. I addressed all the faults in the first one, so I don't know what new problems would spring up.
I still need subjects. I was really hoping to recruit at the UNL GSA Conference, but I didn't get materials put together in time. Oh well. I'm actually hoping to get in touch with this girl named Kim who runs Creighton's GSA and see if she can put me in touch with any gay people that would like to participate.
The project is becoming more and more professional the more I look at it, though. I'm actually learning a lot. It's going to be so awesome when I'm done. Even my friends are excited about it! Woo!
Speaking of the UNL Conference, it was a lot of fun. I had a great time in the discussions and activities. I picked up a lot of stuff. I just hope the rest of Dana's GSA learned a few things because I'm not the one who's going to be around to put those ideas into action. I met some cool people, though, and got to see some familiar faces. I even tried sushi, tofu, squid,and soy bean paste soup for the first time at this Japanese restaurant. I don't think I'll eat any of those again any time soon, but hey, I tried them.
The evening after the conference was . . . wow, I don't know how to describe it. It was difficult, but I learned a lot, and got lots of things sorted out in my head. It was an evening of growth, I guess. The things that went on are still spinning around in my head, even 3 days later, and is probably a large reason I'm so mentally and emotionally exhausted. Well, with all my research and homework thrown on top, that is.
I'm not going to discuss everything that happened because some of it is just better kept private. Wow, I never thought I'd actually say that here. But I think some of the bigger things should be included here.
Seeing Allen again at the conference really affected me. It affected me so much more than I thought it would. Everytime I would look into his eyes, all the events and emotions of 3 summers ago just came flooding back. I still really miss him. I can't recall anyone I miss nearly as much as Allen. He just meant so much to me, and I drove him away. Brad helped me sort out some of my issues with Allen and encouraged me to tell him how I feel. I know I should do it, but I still don't know how. The last time Allen and I actually talked, he told me he was so busy he didn't know if we'd get to hang out or anything, and I just let it go. I mean, if someone/something is important enough you make time for it, right? I don't know. I suppose I'm still just irrationally afraid of how he'll react, but . . . I remember how he looked at me at the conference, and the times he touched my arm as he passed, and I know that there's something still there in him. I don't know what it is, but I really would like to find out.
Wow, I wonder if he even reads this still . . .
A good chunk of the rest of the evening was Brad helping me define my standards for a relationship. I really thought it was a positive experience, and I felt much better after the conversation. I've just ruined so many relationships in the past because I wasn't honest with myself and I tried to lower my standards to make something work. Doing so not only hurt myself, but hurt other people, even though that was just the thing I was trying to avoid. Being honest is really tough sometimes, but its something I need to get used to doing. You know, instead of burying my head in the sand and hoping trouble will just go away.
I suppose the final things I learned were that people can behave much different in person than they do online (I'm no exception to that), and that no one is perfect, and everyone has room for growth.
Despite the huge argument Matt and I had, we patched it up. It's funny because I don't even remember how, just that we did. Of course, he became all paranoid again tonight and drive me nuts, so I had to get offline so I didn't get mad at him again. It's such an odd relationship we have.
Hmm . . . I'm just left with an overwhelming sense of confusion despite everything I feel I got sorted out. It's so odd. One question answered and 3 more presented. Craziness.
I got bored at rehearsal tonight and spontanesously did some pull-ups using the set. I could actually do them! I did one and got so excited that I could do it that I did another, which excited me more and led to more pull-ups till I realized that if Doc caught me I'd get yelled at. I really ought to start working out. I mean, with my horrid diet and sedentary life-style, I'm only just barely overweight. Hmmm . . . wait . . . lemme double check that . . . Yeah, I'm just barely technically overweight. So if my metabolism lets me get away with this much, it shouldn't be terribly difficult to lose 20-30 pounds. After that I'll feel so much better about myself, and feel more confident and everything. I mean on my last exercise binge, I worked out regularly for about 3 weeks, and I really haven't felt better physically since then. My friends would tell me how good I looked, and I really could notice a change. I want to be attractive. I want to have a nice body.
Brad told me the other day that he thinks I have an unhealthy body image standard. Do I? That's something that I've been worrying about myself for a while. That's one of my standards that I have constantly tried to lower in order to make relationships work, and I've already described how that ended in disaster. It's curious how one night he can tell me that its perfectly fine and that I shouldn't worry about it, but the next day tell me that its unhealthy. When I think about it, though, is it really that out of line to want a healthy body? Shouldn't a standard for having a healthy, in-shape body, and for my boyfriend to have a healthy, in-shape body, BE a healthy standard? I'm constantly surrounded by guys with healthy, in-shape bodies, so obviously its not unrealistic for me to find someone like that. I'm more than well aware that being in-shape is not the only aspect to a relationship, and the fact that I've tried to make so many relationships work despite that preference illustrates that there are other things I find more important. The whole subject is just really confusing. I don't know what to think of it all. I'll just add that to the top of the pile of confusing topics to think about.
Although, I DO have an appointment with Sharon tomorrow. Thank GOD. I anticipate much progress tomorrow morning.
In other news, Brad helped me get itunes set up on my computer, and despite the incredible irritation at being forced to keep the grey color, I'm enjoying it immensely. I've already had a couple people tell me how fun my music is, and they listen to it through the network all the time. Granted, I imported half of Brad's library, so a good chunk of it is his. But, hey, good music is good music!
M4M (That's Meausre For Measure, get your mind out of the gutter) is going along pretty well. I've got quite a bug chunk memorized already, and Doc is continuing to give me lots of helpful comments and things. My main concern at the moment is my physicality, and what guestures I should use. Right now it feels like I stand there with my hands behind my back, and that's it. I feel like I should incorporate some variety, but I've got 3 weeks left, and I'm sure it will come.
Work on IAMOW (I Am My Own Wife) hasn't progressed as far as I thought it would. I've been using extra M4M rehearsal time to finish up my bio project proposal and research and such. I did find a place to learn a german accent, so I'm listening to that when I can. I cut a few chunks out of the 2nd act, and I think its good. I just have to see how long the show is with the cuts, and see if I need to take out any more. But I'm sure I'll find some more time in the coming weeks. So far the performances are set for May 19th and 20th. That's a Thursday and Friday for those of you who are wondering, or are too lazy to look at a calendar ;) But yeah, I'd love for any of you to come! I can't wait! The play is sooooo good, and I have a TON of really great ideas for it. And, as its my final theater project and final performance on the Dana stage, its really important to me, and I want to share it with as many people as I possibly can. So, I'm letting you all know now, more than a month in advance, so you can mark your calendars!
And on that note, I'm going to head to bed. I gots meself an appointment in the morning.
Eric 4/12/2005 11:57:00 PM
