I had a really long conversation with Scott and Kori tonight. About love, relationships, friendships, faith, the whole sha'bang (wow, that's probably not spelled right at all, but it's not even a real word, so it stays). It's been quite a while since I had any in depth discussions with Scott, or even Kori. Much venting was had, and much discussion ensued. It's really a lot to go into here, but I think we all got something out of it.
One of the things brought up was my blog. Scott doesn't understand why I keep it. I put such personal information up here where just anyone can read it. Diaries are supposed to be personal, he told me. Well, I had to think of just why I keep this blog in the first place.
When I originally started, it was just a place for me to get all my thoughts out of my head so I no longer had to dwell on them and fret constantly. And to a large extent, that's what I use it for still. I get all my confused, conflicted thoughts collected and put into words and expressed so they don't consume me.
But then its also sort of a record of my life in a way. I blog about events I feel are important to me and my reactions to them etc. And then there are the online quizes and other random things that I find entertaining and just throw in there for the fun of it.
But I can do most of those with just a regular old journal; one that's private and where I'm the only person who sees it. So why don't I just do that and avoid all the typcial Blogger drama that ensues oh-so-often?
Well, I've always said that a large part of it is that I want feedback from my friends and others who read it. I post what's going on in my head and I hope that the people who read it will give some outside insight and let me know if I'm totally over-reacting and being paranoid, or if I'm totally justified in my thoughts and feelings, or whatever.
But, well, I really tend to snap at people who express views that differ from my own or put me in a less than positive light . . . I mean, I like to think of myself as a good person, and when I'm confronted with someone who thinks differently, I get defensive. Sometimes it's really difficult for me to see past myself and understand where the other person is coming from. So, do I really have my blog for people to correct me, or do I just have it as a way of seeking validation and approval from people?
I mean, I'll be honest, I want people to agree with me. I want people to read this and say, "Damn Eric, you're so smart! I agree with you completely!" I don't think I EXPECT everyone to say that, but it's something that I like to have, yeah. Heh, if I really thought I was wrong most of the time, would I leave myself open to being so? I don't know. I'd like to think I would be, but it's hard to say for certain.
There's also the obvious privacy issues with my blog. I try really hard to keep discussions to myself. I mean, it strikes me as only courteous not to divulge the private information of others without their consent. I do make conscious efforts not to use last names or anything, but so many of my own issues revolve around my experiences and relationships with other people. How fair is it for someone to have others find out all this personal information? It's not.
But what can I do about that?
I mean, I suppose a good portion of the things here are my reactions to people and my venting about them. Well, instead of venting here, why don't I just talk to the other person involved? That would actually *gasp* accomplish something, instead of going behind their back and complaining about it.
But then, the whole process of blogging helps me organize my thoughts and make sense of them. So the process of blogging about such things helps me focus on what is REALLY bothering me as opposed to some general negative feelings. And I'm just so bad at conflict. I hate it. I avoid it wherever I can.
But how am I going to grow if I continually avoid it?
I'm not.
And that was totally me answering my own rhetorical question. Wow, I'm a nerd . . .
Wow, this just applies in so many situations, it's scary. I'm just too afraid to take that step to actually discussing my own concerns and fears with another person, so I just post them as a way of being passive agressive and shedding myself of guilt.
Well, I don't think I'm THAT much of a shit. I don't do that consciously, but I guess it does play a role when I really look back and think about it.
I recall one time reading in a friend's blog how they respected that I could just post whatever I was thinking; that I didn't have to hold back my thoughts. I just typed, and to hell with anyone's reaction to it. I mean, I do think of it as something positive that I try and be as honest as I can be here. I can't recall ever posting something that I thought was a lie. Anything I've posted that wasn't true was something that I didn't completely understand or something that I honestly and truly believed to be true. I don't want to just censor myself on my own blog. That defeats every purpose I have in keeping it in the first place. The list of things I have kept off of here because I thought they were too personal could be counted on the fingers of my left hand.
This is Eric, uncut, uncensored, unsolicited. Proceed at your own risk.
Ugh, being objective about yourself is such a pain in the ass.
To anyone I have hurt with what I have said here, I am truly sorry. It wasn't meant to hurt you.
Eric 4/26/2005 02:22:00 AM
