Well, Bethany has come gone. It was such a fast weekend. It was here and over before I had time to blink. All my stress and frustration from last week is still looming over my head, if not compounded several times over.
Ugh.
It was nice to see Bethany, but at the same time it was . . . awkward. It was very much like it was the last time I went to see her. I didn't know how to act. I mean, I have grown and changed so much as a person since high school. And Bethany has too. So when we're suddenly together again, we're both expecting the person from high school.
I'm not sure if I'm making any sense. But, it was just unsettling to see how different she is. I mean, we get into the car after I pick her up, and she immediately gets on the phone to talk with her boyfriend. Umm . . . didn't you just see him earlier today? Don't you see him and talk to him everyday? And have you NOT seen me in more than a year? And that wasn't it either. She was on the phone talking to her boyfriend, her family, or some other friend every time I'd turn around. I mean, she was only here for (essentially) one day, and she still felt like she had to keep up to date on her life on the east coast.
I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but the past couple times I've seen Bethany, there's this . . . adjustment period. Like, I have to get to know her again. Like she's a different person, and I have to, well, readjust how I behave around her. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense.
Every time I meet someone, there's an initial period where I'm not sure how to behave. Now, of course I should just be myself, and if they don't like me for me, then they're not worth it, yada yada yada. Well, I don't know about other people, but I usually just sit back and observe someone before I am able to "be myself". Until I feel comfortable with someone and feel like I know them, can reasonably read their expressions and stuff, I just kind of sit back and don't open up. When I finally feel comfortable and secure enough to be myself happens differently for different people. There are some people I've known for years that I still feel like I have to put my guard up when I'm around them. And there have been some people that my awkwardness phase is only an hour or two.
Anyway, this weekend was one long awkwardness phase, which I feel kind of bad about because we were BEST FRIENDS. We spent everyday together for years. But at the same time, we're not the same people we were by any means. So, the Bethany I spent the weekend with was not the same Bethany I relied on so much in high school. Not totally different, but far from totally the same.
I guess one of the things that really got to me was that Bethany acted like I was the same old Eric. When meeting up with old high school classmates, Bethany would talk to them and everything. Back in high school, I would just sit in the background while other people talked. Whenever I was in public with Bethany, I just kind of stood around while she conversed with people. Back then it was fine. We'd still spend tons of time together, and I didn't really want to talk anyway. Hell, I was known as "The Mute" back then. Well, that's what the "popular kids" referred to me as, anyway. No one who was really a decent person actually said that, but it was generally known that I wasn't a terribly talkative kid. So, when at this wedding with all these people from high school, I made several attempts at including myself in the conversation. But every time I'd start to say something, I'd be interrupted or ignored. It was pretty frustrating, but the old Eric wouldn't have done anything like that, so how would they know?
It was little things like that all weekend. Things where Bethany would make comments about me that may have applied four years ago, but I feel like I've grown out of by now. Then there were the constant comments about weight that Bethany made. Not about me, no. She'd make lots of comments about how much weight she's lost since high school, and how she doesn't want to gain it back. Then it seemed like everytime she commented on someone, the first thing she'd take not of was their weight. Case in point:
Me: Oh, look, Rob Thomas has a solo album coming out. What ever happened to Matchbox 20? Bethany: I dunno, but my friend says that Rob looks a lot cuter. I think he lost some weight. He used to look kind of tubby.
That, and she made comments about the size of the wedding and reception, and how they shouldn't have served pasta because the red marinara sauce would get all over the white dresses, etc. Lots of comments about . . . appearances. That's not something I remember her doing. Was I just oblivious to it before, or is this something new?
Ugh, I feel like I'm painting a horrible picture of her here, and I don't mean to. But, well, she just seemed so different this weekend. So not like the Bethany I knew so well. When we got up Sunday morning, things seemed more like they used to, though. Its hard to explain, but I began to feel more comfortable, and she seemed to act more like the Bethany I know (poking me affectionately and making goofy noises and stuff like that). And our trip back to the airport, we actually had a conversation for the first time over the weekend.
Wow, I just remember Francie, a girl we went to high school with who was at the wedding, was actually more interested in what I've been up to that Bethany appeared to be. And I never even really talked to Francie in high school. We were all sitting at a table at the reception, and Bethany was talking to all these other people, and Francie turned to me and asked me what I was up to, and we talked till the best man got up to give his speech. Hell, I think Francie might be more up to date on my life than Bethany.
I suppose I'm a little hurt by all of it. I mean she was supposed to come visit this fall, and cancelled a few days before she was supposed to be here. Yet she can come out for Jean's wedding? Granted, a wedding is a HUGE deal. It just makes me feel weird. Speaking of her not coming this fall, she was telling people about that, and attributed her cancelling the visit because I didn't get work off! Excuuuuse me? I couldn't believe she said that! As soon as it came out of her mouth, I reminded her how she cancelled because her mother made the tickets for arriving a day later, and leaving a day earlier, so we wouldn't have nearly as much time as we originally thought. True, I didn't take work off. And that was because I had already taken 3 weeks off work for the musical, I was flat broke, and if she was going to be in Omaha for 3-4 days, I figured working mornings and early afternoons wouldn't really impede on our time together. Of course when 3-4 days becomes 2, yeah, a couple of shifts really digs into the available time. But hell, if I had known she was still coming, I couldn't gotten work off. It's just BK. They willingly run around in circles accomodating my schedule as it is. One weekend isn't going to get me fired now.
Bethany also talked about her friend Kenny, who is also a fashion design major. Kenny used to be a flight attendent, and since he's technically on a leave of absence, he still gets free flights. So, Bethany half-jokingly suggested hooking hooking him up with me to the guy. She told me that Kenny asked her for a picture before he'd say anything. Wow, what a catch, huh? He needs to know what I look like before he'd even consider it? I mean the fact that Bethany says I'm a great guy and that we were best friends in high school apperantly don't mean jack to him makes me wonder just how much of a catch the guy really is?
So, yeah, I just have so many mixed feelings about how this weekend went. It was so weird. So many things really put me off, but they really seemed better by the time she was leaving, unfortunate as that is. Bethany said she's going to try to come back for a week this summer so she can really hang out and stuff. It'd be nice, it really will. But I just . . . I dunno. Wonder about things, I guess. I mean, it wouldn't be the first time if she had to cancel because something came up. And if she does, how much longer will it be till the next time I see her. how much more will we have grown apart?
And I think that's really the core of the issue: We've grown. We're more mature, and we've had such different life-altering experiences in the past few years. Do we still click like we used to? People change all the time; some for the better and some for the worse. But I guess you never know for sure unless you try to find out.
If we had gone to college together, would we have grown apart so much? I suppose there's a chance, but there's also a chance that we'd be growing together. We'd be having the same experiences. We'd be going through events together, and we'd be shaped by them together. We might take different lessons from them, but we'd still be much closer than we are now.
How do people sustain relationships for so long with all this going on? No wonder so many high school relationships fizzle out in college. And then, given how volatile personalities can be, and how such dramatic changes in personal relationships can happen in such short periods of time, and how do people get married? It boggles my mind. You can care so much about someone, and then one little interaction causes everything to fall apart.
And now I'm getting really cryptic. That probably means I'm just delving into paranoia or something. Plus, it's really late, and I have sooooooooo much to do tomorrow. Mastersingers auditions are at noon, so I have to be up at least a couple hours before then so my voice can start warming up. I've never actually been in Mastersingers, and so it'd be nice to make it for my last chorale concert. I'm auditioning with "Memory", because I love it so much, and I'm also auditioning with "I'll Cover You" from Rent with Tabby. We do it pretty well. The only thing I'm concerned about is that Tabby isn't the loudest singer, and parts of that song get so high, that I really have to belt them out, and I'm worried about drowning Tabby out. But, we'll practice it a bit before the audition.
And then I STILL have to finish my journal entries for Evolution class. They were due last monday, but I didn't finish them because I was finishing the essay that was due the previous week. So I've just been consistently a week behind in homework for that class. I don't feel particularly proud of that, and I need to get it fixed. Of course, if I just journaled as I read, I wouldn't have to go back and re-read and think before typing. Hell, I journal here when I could be journaling on Evolution. Plus, I have an exam in Evolution tomorrow night, which I really should study for. I've gotten 2 A's on both tests, and I don't want to start doing worse now.
And, finally, Scott told me that I have to present my senior bio project the week BEFORE finals. So, I have to have my project completed, analyzed, paper written, and presentation prepared before the 13th of May. I have less than 4 weeks, and I STILL have to get the damn thing approved. I'll try and go in and talk to Dr. M-S tomorrow, but I'm not sure when I'll have time with auditions, journals, my doctor's appointment in Omaha, and studying.
So I suppose I'll just go to bed. But, I almost forgot, Kori's recital on Friday was AWESOME! She was so great! I just ripped her CD she made from her Saturday performance, and I've been listening to it and its AWESOME! YAY KORI!
Eric 4/17/2005 09:57:00 PM
