I do believe I've never gone so long without posting. Craziness. It's not like I haven't wanted to; I've had lots of stuff that I've wanted to sort out and such, but for some reason, I never got around to it.
And that's really the theme for the summer: not getting around to it. Stuff. Not getting around to stuff. I've pretty much just sat around all summer. I have no idea where all the time went. It's . . . not really flown by, but . . .I dunno. It's like it's wormholed by or something. BAM! It's gone, and it's much later than I thought it would be.
So right now, I have about 3 weeks until my insurance propably runs out. I say "probably" because no one's actually sure just when it DOES run out. But it's "probably" soon. Which means that I will no longer be able to pay for meds or psych appointments.
But I'm better, right!? Well . . . kinda . . . I dunno. I mean, the fact that I haven't been able to make myself get off my ass all summer, not even to insure that my insurance continues kinda worries me. I mean, why can't I just DO it? Why am I so freaking lazy!? IT seriously really bothers me. I want to get stuff done, but at the same time, I just don't want to do it either. Ugh, such contradictions.
Maybe my brain is still fried from that last semester, and I just need a little while longer to actually wind down. I wouldn't be surprised. Nahhhhh, I think that 3 months is long enough to relax, expecially since I have done NOTHING since school got out.
MAybe it's that this whole Real World thing freaks me out, and in my own pitiful way I'm rebelling against it. It sounds kind of plausible, but I better snap the fuck out of it before the shit really hits the fan. Honestly, I'm really NOT comfortable with being done with school. I really DON'T feel ready to get a job and support myself. MAybe it's laziness, maybe it's fear, but I just don't feel ready. I feel unprepared. I feel like I'm going to fail.
No, I don't feel like I'm going to fail, but I'm scared as hell that I will. And being scared is making me that much closer to failing by freezing me in place. I can't DO anything.
And when I think about it, that explains a lot. I'm always terrified of failure. It's to the point where when I have to work for something, I just drop it. I don't follow through. But I always have the excuse that I failed because I didn't try. I could've succeeded if I had really wanted to.
God, there are so many things in my life where that applies, it's really sad. Band, soccer, academics, relationships(friend and romantic) . . . and there's probably more that I just can't think of off the top of my head. I mean, failing b/c you didn't try and didn't care is one thing, but failing because you DID try and just weren't good enough is a whole lot more bruising to the ego.
So now I'm lazy AND a coward who can't take risks for feeling afraid of failure. Wonderful.
Well, so this isn't COMPLETELY depressing, I do have good news! I'm Laertes in Hamlet this fall! I'm really excited! I get to have THE climactic swordfight with Hamlet! I KILL Hamlet! I can't wait! Not only is it a really cool part, but I'll get a lot of different experience that I can use in the future. I mean, just the stage combat experience alone is invaluable.
It's at the Brigit St. Brigit theater, which is on the College of Saint Mary campus. It opens October 14th, and runs Friday-Sunday for 4 weekends. I don't know starting times exactly, but I'm pretty sure it'll be 7:30. That seems to be the standard in Omaha theater. Don't know prices for sure, but I DO know that students can get in for $5. I'll remind people the closer it gets because I know how we all forget and stuff.
But yeah, rehearsals start next week. I think this is going to be really cool. ^^
Eric 8/05/2005 07:21:00 PM
