Wow, I just got out of seeing one of the best movies I have ever seen. Ever. It's called Stay. I can't describe it any other way than it's simply a work of art. It's a masterpiece. First of all, the movie is just gorgeous to look at. I can't describe it any further than that. And the story . . . man, that's just as indescribably incredible. It's definitely a movie that you have to pay attention to, and even so, you won't grasp the entire depth of what you're watching until the 2nd viewing. Which is what I did tonight. I saw it for the second time.
The first time, I was really intrigued and fascinated by it, but the second time, when everything fell into place, and I understood what all the details meant, it literally brought tears to my eyes. It's such a powerfully moving film. I'm really surprised it's doing so bad in the box office. It's flopping, but it's SO DAMN GOOD! But I'll admit that it's not the kind of movie where you just sit back and be entertained. It really makes you think, so on that level at least, it's not just pure entertainment. But still, this is the kind of film that people really should see. I know I'm not describing it well, but . . . just . . . wow. Trust me. Go see this movie, and then go see it again a couple days later. It's 10 times better the second time.
In other news . . . shit, there's so much in other news, I don't know where to begin . . . Let's see . . . I'll try and organize it, but this'll probably just end up being another mass mangle of various thoughts. Here goes . . .
Employment: Still at Syngenta, still sorting corn. I actually get to be there in less than 6 hours. Joy. Basically, they said that since they'll still be having corn samples coming in, that I could stay there and work till I find another job. Which is really cool of them. But for now I've only got 20 or so hours a week. And I sure could use the downtime, things have been so hectic around here.
But yeah, I definitely need another job. I've had phone calls about jobs up the wazoo, but they're either A) night shifts, which I can't work b/c of theater, or B) end up being a ridiculous case of phone tag. Well, ok, there's only been one case of B, while there have been 4 cases of A. And well, I kinda have a good excuse for B because I got the call about the job the night we found out my grandfather died.
While sitting around during one of my numerous downtimes at work, I sat and tried to work out a budget for myself. The results were pretty depressing . . . Basically, in order to live on my own, I'd need to make at least $14 an hour, and 40 hours a week. Damn student loan payments . . . Which reminds me, I need to consolidate them or I'm frelled . . .
But yeah, $14 a hour, and that's not taking into account putting anything away into any kind of savings. Fucking real world . . . I'm not even totally in it, and I can't stand it . . .
Random Family Drama
My father got a job interview for a nuclear power plant in San Diego. So he went out to San Diego, and while he was there, the people wanted him to look at real estate. That's a good sign, I'd think. My dad needs a job really bad. Not only b/c my family can't be supported without it, but he's too idle. He doesn't know what to do with himself during the day, and it just makes all relationships in the house on edge.
But . . . San Diego? It sounds kind of cool, but how would we actually do that? The cost of living is so much out there, and Molly's senior year of high school is next year . . . My dad suggested that he would probably just live in an apartment out there for a year while my mom stayed in Omaha with the kids, and then would go off to San Diego after Molly graduated. Well, for one, it would ease the strain of my parent's marriage, but would their marriage actually survive it? I don't know. I really think they need a break, but I don't think my dad can be trusted for a year on his own. It's really sad, but I really don't think he can be. That, and we'd have to pay for two households instead of just one. He'd have to have another car out there, so yeah, things would just get real messy, so I don't know.
And then, the day before my dad left for San Diego, we get a call that my grandfather passed away. My Dad's dad. It was almost 2 weeks ago, and I still don't know what to think. I've been in the guy's presence maybe a total of 5 times in my entire life, and half of those were when I was so little, I can't remember. It just didn't affect me, and I feel bad that it didn't. Because it so obviously affected my father very much.
I wanted to go to the funeral with my dad. Help support him and do what I could, but we just have no money. We had to get my grandmother to pay for the plane ticket for my dad to go back east as it was. Fucking money. I hate it. Can't do anything when you don't have it. I couldn't even go to my grandfather's funeral. My dad almost wasn't able to go to his OWN FATHER'S funeral because of fucking money.
It pisses me off. I hate living like this. Debts over my head, higher debts over my parent's heads. That stress is fraying their marriage, making the whole family an emotional wreck. My parents have to turn to me, Kelly, and Corie just for grocery money. So now Kelly, Corie, and I can't save anything, because it just gets sucked up by our parents. And it's not their fault. They need the money. It's such a fucking mess.
And then Super Target fired my mom . . . She was late too many times and called in sick too many times. Nevermind the fact that she's been working for them for 8 FUCKING YEARS. They just fired her. Didn't even let her finish out her shift. Just told her to go home.
That is just such bullshit. It really is. My mom has to go through so much, has so much stress, it's a wonder she's not bed ridden. The fact of the matter is, my little brother Jordan refuses to go to bed before 5 in the morning every night, and keeps my mom awake so she doesn't get any sleep. Since she didn't get any sleep the night before, she had to call in sick to work. And then they fire her, like she could've helped it. She was more than 3 minuets late to work more than 3 times in one month, so they threw that against her too. What the FUCK!? Seriously, if you get stopped at a single stop light, you're there for at least 2 minutes waiting for the other cars to go before it's your turn again. At a busy traffic time of day, you could be there for 5 mintues! So my mom got fired for the equivalent of being stuck at a couple traffic lights more than 3 times a month. Fuck that. She works her ass off when she's there, and she stays late all the time. Besides, it's not like Super Target goes into shambles just because she's 5 minutes late. She's not keeping someone else from getting off on time. It's just absurd.
So now my family lost yet another source of income. We just can't fucking win, can we.
I actually started day dreaming about how if I could just win the powerball lottery, all our problems would go away. We'd have money. We could survive. My parents wouldn't have to fight. We could afford our medication. My siblings and I could actually save our money. I was seriously dreaming about this for weeks, like it was our only hope, and how it HAD to happen! It just HAD to! And then we'd be all right. We'd be saved. But, well, I never bought a powerball ticket. We never won. And it all just seems so . . . impossible, really. We'd never win anyway. No, our luck only makes things get worse, not better . . .
On Romance: It doesn't exist. I know that now. It's just some cruel joke whoever created the world is playing on me. Toying with me. Dangling it in front of my face and then wisking it away just so he can laugh at my misery.
But maybe I'm just being dramatic and sorry for myself. Yeah, that's probably it. Nevertheless, I've utterly, completely, and totally come to the conclusion that I'm just never going to be satisfied that way. Romance is never going to happen for me. That's just the way it's going to be for the rest of my life, so I might as well start getting used to it. Because if I don't, I'm just going to continue to be the miserable wreck I've been for the past 6 years.
So, I'm done. I've gone a couple weeks after this revelation, and I'm doing ok. I feel . . . angry, but not depressed. I hear about how everyone and their dog has a significant other, and I just get angry. I get pissed. I want to just smack them over the head and tell them to go choke on eachother's tounges. I feel like the only people I *can* be around, feel comfortable around, are the ones who aren't in relationships. The ones who've been burned like I have. They're like me, after all. And they're not constant reminders of what I'm never going to have as long as I live.
Fuck, my 14 year old brother has a fucking girlfriend. Lord . . .
Along those same lines, I think I'm officially a fag-basher now. It literally turns my stomach whenever anything referring to gay culture/people is around me. It sickens me. I hate all that narccisitic/arrogant/shallow shit. That's all they are anyway: a bunch of shallow, selfish assholes. I don't need that at all. I'm better off with out it.
If anyone asks me again if I have a boyfriend, I'm going to punch them in the fucking face, I swear to god . . . I've gotten that left and right this past month. Yeah, it's great to get in touch with people I haven't seen since High School. It's great to catch up with them! But they just HAVE to bring that up, don't they? Well, next one that does gets their face smashed to a pulp, ok?
God, I don't think I've ever had such violent thoughts in my life . . .
Noooo . . . this issue isn't affecting me at all . . . can't you tell?
While my internet was out, and I actually had the impulse to blog about all this, and I couldn't, I actually found a copy of a blog I wrote 2 years ago. It was detailing my trip to Ohio to see Nick. Wow. Just, wow. The person who wrote that was a completely different person from the one writing this now. I think I'd punch that person in the face too. Knock some sense into him and save him from 2 years of pain.
I met a girl named Laura. She came to see Hamlet. She's friends with our assisstant stage manager, who's friends with people who are friends with Christi, whom I went to Dana with. So the group of us went to V.I. after a show. Laura's really nice. I actually saw her again tonight. She came to the show again, and we talked for a bit afterwards. The other day the assisstant stage manager said Laura has a crush on me. How everytime they talk about hamlet and myself, Laura starts blushing. That's so adorable. It really is.
How come only girls do that over me? I think that depresses me more than anything. It also makes me think that maybe I really am supposed to be straight. Maybe God's telling me that, yeah, I'm living the wrong life, and yeah, I really should like women and I'm just going to be miserable until I do.
Maybe that's where I've been going wrong.
When I actually first found out about the crush, I strongly considered trying something there. It was on the verge of my lips. Another breath and I would've said something, some invitation , some . . . something. I talked to Alex about it, and he talked some sense into me. I was just going to use her as a quick fix that would just hurt both of us in the end. Just like I've done sooooo many times . . .
I'm just as selfish as all those other arrogant bastard gay men out there. I'm just like them and it makes me even more sick to my stomach.
Conclusions: You know, I really didn't intend for this to be so . . . angsty. Oh well, I'm sure no one will read the whole thing. They'll stop when I start ranting, telling themselves, "oh, eric's just being dramatic again". Yup, that's me, the Drama King. I can't help but think that the people who DO take the time to read it all. They're the ones who really care. For some reason, that's how I've thought about all the people who read this. Ever since this blog started, I always considered the people who read this and commented to be my closest friends. My real friends. People who didn't, well, they were just those friends of convenience.
It's been two and a half years. People have come and gone. People have come that I never expected to. People have left who I never expected to. Is there anyone left? Anyone left at all? I feel like I've been left in the dust by so many people. They're all moving on, while I'm still here. Or maybe it's the other way around. Fuck, would I even sit and read through all this? Lord, I don't know.
You know what I think? I think I need my meds again. It's been 2 months now, and things are starting to slow down a lot, and I've nothing left to do but sit and think, and depress myself.
But, oh yeah, I'm not on meds b/c I don't have insurance anymore and meds are too expensive for me or my parents to afford.
Fucking money strikes again . . .
And now I'm off to sleep, so I can be up before the sun and work a job I'm ridiculously over-qualified for, so I can continue to support the rest of my family.
Hang in there, Eric. I think I'm one of those come and go people you mentioned, so you can take what I have to say in that context.
I'm exactly where I was 18 months ago, so I may be bold enough to say I relate. I went through the money thing, too. I haven't been on a stage in exactly a year because I've been working nights. What I'm trying to say is, I read the whole rant and I'm pulling for you. I'll be coming to Hamlet this weekend, but don't be a stranger in the meantime.
