Well, I've finally finalized my list of grad schools I'm applying to. I'd apply to more, but I can't afford it. As it is, it's going to run nearly $400 just for application fees. All 5 are pretty big, presitgious schools, so I don't really have a school to fall back on. But we'll see what happens. In no particular order, they are:
American Conservatory of Theater National Theater Conservatory University of San Diego Globe Theater University of Washington Yale School of Drama
I've got Doc and Dr. Kaufman to do letters of recommendation, but for a couple schools I need a total of three. I'm not sure who to ask. I'm thinking of asking either Scott(Hamlet) or Kathy(who directed Hamlet), as they've seen my most recent work. Hell, they're directing me in my most recent work. Then again, they haven't seen 99% of everything I've done . . . But Dr. Kaufman hasn't seen any that I can think of. But she's my academic recommender, so, yeah. But I'm not sure if I should ask Kathy or Scott. I think Scott knows me better and has worked with me more, if not actually directed me. Kathy, on the other hand, directed me and is a professor at a college. Hmm . . . I dunno . . . maybe both, since they're husband and wife? I'll ask Doc what he thinks.
It seems like everyone I talk to lately thinks I need a cell phone. It's kind of getting on my nerves, frankly. I don't see why I NEED a cell phone when A) I can't really afford one, B) no one hardly ever calls me as it is, so I'd be paying for a phone I'd never use, and C)I have a phone here at home I don't have to pay for, and I'm here 99% of the time anyway. Sure, a cell phone would come in handy on occassion, like when the miscommunication with Emily and I happened the other day, but, really, does some once in a while mix up justify spending the money for something I'm hardly ever going to use? I don't think so. When I start to live on my own, sure, I'll probably get a cell phone just for the fact that I'll need a phone anyway, and it might as well be a portable one. But as long as I'm home, I'll just stick to the free one I get to use.
And . . . I think I got asked out tonight . . . but I'm not sure. A guy named Eric who was in Hamlet and is in the show I'm in right now asked me, I think. We've hung out a couple times, and I thought he might be gay, but I wasn't sure, and I didn't want to make any assumptions because I'd probably be wrong. Well, we went to see Rent last night, and he paid for it, and then paid for the pie we got at Village Inn afterwards, so maybe that was a date? I dunno. But tonight I went to a Kareoke bar with him and some of his friends, and he asked me when I came out, which shocked me because I didn't know he knew I was gay, and then he told me about him, and then before I left he asked me where we stood. I was just so confused. It seemed kinda out of the blue. Well, I guess I kinda had an idea that something like that was coming, but, once again, I didn't want to assume anything. That, and the topic hadn't ever come up before, so I didn't know what to say. I told him that I don't know him too well yet, but that I'm enjoying starting to, which is the truth. He seems like a real fun guy to hang out with. As for dating . . .
Well, anyone who reads this can probably tell where this is going. I don't want the same thing to happen again! I don't want to hurt anyone! I don't want to ruin another possibly great friendship! GAAAH! I piss and moan about how no guys like me and WHAM there's a guy and he does nothing for me romantically and it's not his fault! I feel like I'm doomed to repeat this cycle.
How do you make a strong friendship with someone who wants a romantic relationship? I don't know how! I feel like if I don't lead him on, then he'll just get upset and totally shut me out. But if I DO lead him on, he'll catch on eventually and then still get upset and totally shut me out. How the hell do I NOT lead him on, but still continue a friendship?
Hmm, so your saying this guy likes you, but you dont like him the way he likes you? If this is the case, be truthful with him up front! If he leaves, his fault... you were the one being truthful.
If your saying your not sure how you like him yet, make sure he knows this. Only he can deal with how he feels, You deal with how YOU feel. If your not romantically connected (as you feel) then don't date him.
Get to know him first before you decide anything. Be honest and blunt if need be. It actually does get you further than anyone would have thought!
Eric... I really don't know a lot about all of your relationship history and all, but I know you are putting out a lot of "I'm kinda lonely and confused and really want to be loved" feelers. i don't want you to get hurt. This guy seems sweet. I don't know his looks or charm, but I don't want you to pass up an opportunity...yet I don't want you to date an ass just because you are lonely. I so want to come and hold you and play with your hair. I agree with Matt, be honest. Be so honest it sucks. but...be pleasantly honest...like a really sweet boy kissed me the other day and asked if I wanted a relationship, and I said, no...mostly 'cause you're a boy, but I treasure your friendship.
Just be honest with him. Think of it as him being a girl that likes you and you have to be honest with them. Hell, your still friends with most of the girls who have liked you and you had to break the news, right? It's better to be up front right at the beginning, the longer you wait the harder it will be.
