Don't you hate it when something you thought you were over, suddenly appears again and brings back all the old pain/hurt feelings you thought were behind you?
Ohhhhhhh, I hate that . . .
So this Myspace thingy . . . it sure is a really cool way to reconnect with friends from high school. I checked my e-mail today to find a friend request from probably the last person I ever expected to: Wade.
Wade is the boy I first fell in love with waaaaaay back when I was a Sophomore in High School. He's the one that first made me realize that I was gay. My feelings for him were so strong, I spent more than a year in a panicked, distracted depression, not knowing what to do or how to act. But we were such good friends. Looking back, I can hardly remember why. We were so different.
But all these memories keep flashing into my head. Watching him sleep that fateful night and feeling, for the first time ever, that warm feeling spread from the pit of my stomach throughout my body, called love.
I remember finding out our parents knew each other from being in Amway a few years back, and how I knew that it must be fate and we were meant to be together.
I remember how whenever someone would mock-threaten him in choir or forensics, how he would yelp for me to help him and run behind me for "protection".
I remember how he was the only guy in our swim class that didn't cover himself up when changing into his swimsuit. I remember how I'd take any loose change from my parent's dresser, just so I'd have enough to give him so he could get a pop from the vending machine after that class.
I remember him introducing me to WWF, and explained all the various storylines that were going on, and how I enjoyed watching it, if only because I was with him. Hell, I remember enjoying playing football, if only because it was with him.
I remember how he wanted to go to a halloween party dressed as Neo, and wanted me to go with him dressed as an Agent, but I was having my mom make me my Vincent Valentine costume. I remember the surprised look on his face when I showed up as Vincent and not an Agent. I remember he said he thought Vincent was cooler anyway, and leant me the fake gun he had bought for me to use with my Agent costume.
I remember sitting next to him on the bus coming home from a forensics tournament and he was so tired, he fell asleep with his head resting on my shoulder. I remember coming home that same evening and crying myself to sleep to Sarah's 'Possession' because I knew that something like that would probably never happen again.
I remember him asking me to help him ask our friend Meagan out for a date. I remember agreeing. I remember telling him Meagan thought he might be gay, just so I could have a safe way to broach the subject and find out for myself.
I remember the hurt that flashed in his face and the tears that came to his eyes as he told me he wasn't and he couldn't believe she could actually think that of him. I remember wanting to go crawl into a corner and die, both from the fact that I couldn't have him, and the petty, stupid way I hurt him so much when he trusted me.
I remember how he became frustrated with choir and theater, quitting both, and how we grew apart afterwards, no longer seeing each other everyday.
Thus, our friendship kinda petered out. I never worked up the courage to tell him how I felt. There were so many times I wanted to. But, I just couldn't. I was too afraid. I remember the last time I saw him was about 3 or four years ago. I was at Village Inn with Allen (whoa, there's another blast to the past for ya, but that would take far too long to go into here), and Allen was telling me about the first boy he fell for, who happened to be sitting in a table across the restaurant, and in the middle of his story, Wade and a couple of his firends came into VI and sat in a table not 20 feet away from us. I remember I kept seeing Wade's friends steal glances at us from time to time, and how I thought that Wade must be telling them about me. About us. About everything. I never went over to talk to him or say hi. He didn't come over to me either, though I'm positive he knew I was there.
And that was the last I'd seen/heard from him. Until just a few minutes ago when I see he sent me a friend request on MySpace, and all the loose ends and unresolved issues between us flared back to life, churning the pit of my stomach.
I approved it, of course. I probably won't do anything else, though. It says right on my profile that I'm gay, and I'm sure he's seen it. Hell, he probably didn't even need to see it. I never told him how I felt, but enough people close to us during that time figured it out that I'd be really surprised if Wade didn't. He had more clues and reasons to suspect than anyone.
I just don't know why he'd send a friend request after all this time? Especially since I can't get out of my head the ways I manipulated him, trying to find out if he might be gay, how much it was apperant my words had hurt him. I deserve to be hated for doing that.
Then again, maybe a friend request means nothing, and I'm reading too much into it. He probably saw my name and vaguely remembered me from high school and blindly sent the request. I've had people I don't even know send me blind friend invites, only to never hear anything from them afterwards.
*sigh* Yet another thought to whirl around in my head till I'm more nuts than I already am . . .
Eric 12/08/2005 06:44:00 AM
Comments:
Giggles. I giggle at you Eric. I love the way your mind works. peace be with you.
